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I pretty much don't come on here at all anymore, because I will not have you or myself try to fix or change what has happened.

What's done is done,and you cannot undo it. I am grown enough to know that next time you will only find something even worse to hurt me with. Or the exact same thing.

Miss me all you like, I'm a beautiful, charming, sweet, kind freak with a bigger heart than your brain. You should miss me. I loved you.

I hope you do miss me, and I hope it hurts unbearably.



But you will not break me again. I will not allow it.



So don't lurk, just go away. Please.

If you really cared at all, if you really care enough to miss me, if you are trying to check on me for a reason, go away. You were right, you can't give me what I need. You can't be that man. So move, so I can see him when he gets here.

Everything about it. Every stomach wrenching memory. All lies.

Every. Single. Goddamn time I think of anything we shared fondly, I am reminded immediately of what you've done to me. And it feels like the time my ex husband kicked the shit out of me in his steel capped doc martins.

I physically ache from the pain.



Is that what you wanted to read you bastard?

Feel better now?



I have never had what I thought we had. I've never felt so connected to someone. So safe.

I hate you for that. I hate you for every tear, every cold sweat, every night lying awake. I hate you for wanting to watch me suffer.



Are you fulfilled now? Feel better now you can actually see that I am hurt? Good for you, at least someone's happy.

Tonight of all nights, I can't sleep.

I haven't had my medication in a few days, haven't been able to access it. I'm supposed to go get it today. Don't worry, Ma (my adopted mum) won't let me not get it.



I am collared.

My best friend decided she would collar me and use her partners to train me in not getting so close to the men I see so quickly.



I am still not coping. For some reason or another, I'm not even happy about being owned.



Life is.....typically my life.

I'm alone again, other than Arnaud messaging sporadically. I'm ok with that. That's life.

I miss thinking you were a decent human being.

But that's life too.

I'm talking to a new Master. Carl. He breath plays in some pretty dangerous ways though. Waterboarding, for example. So I'm a little scared to let that progress.



Alone does not mean afraid. I did not consider taking my life out of fear of being alone. Or because You had abandoned me. Again. That's been happening to me all my life, I'm used to it.

I feel stupid and follish for thinking someone finally loved me. And I am so sick of being wrong.



I still have to get through mediation and court yet, so don't stay too confident that I won't do it. If I lose them, I absolutely will.

My friends here are so lovely. I'm so grateful to have you guys. Thankyou for supporting me.



Guess who messaged me to ring in the new year?

Arnaud. Guess I am a keeper after all. Hahahaha.



Isn't it a little sad that a 22 year old airforce sergeant from France is more mature than you?

Knows me better than you do too. He knew/knows about my suicidal tendencies, and my record, which to be honest, both disgust him but there you have it. But I'm not packing my bags for a holiday there juuust yet. Patience is a virtue. But it's nice to know I was missed by someone. That someone cares about me enough that when they were drunk and celebrating new years, I was the woman they messaged.



Thankyou for fucking off. Despite how many times you've made me cry, someone else made me smile today.