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I love how final this feels. It hurts SO MUCH. But I would rather feel this way for the rest of my life than continue believing that somewhere in that black little heart you think you love me. You just don't know how to show it.

I can't even describe the way I feel. My pacy and stuffy (Starkers the pooh bear) that I use for bedtime are no longer therapeutic. Sometimes, when I stay up this late it starts to feel like I'm waiting for it again. "Go to bed Princess."

"Echem, shouldn't you be asleep young lady?"

My pillow hasn't been dry for days.

I hate what you have done to me SO MUCH.



I need to sleep. I'm fucking losing it today.

Everyone else jumping on the "Crucify Swan" bandwagon hasn't fucking helped at all.

I woke up to fucking hate mail.

And guess what that made me want? Yeah. Great. I wish I had said yes to Arnaud. I wish I'd said yes and begged him to take me back. Wouldn't have mattered to you in the slightest.

You never know, he might have even said yes. I might have ended up happy.



But instead I ended up alone, sore all over, crying, and hating myself for being so stupid.

I am not actually going to kill myself. I've got children, that's just stupid and heartless. And I don't hurt the people I love deliberately.



Besides, I may fail epicly as a functional human being, but I'm actually a pretty good mum.



That is all.

Let's get a few things straight here.

Firstly, if I barely know you, and we pretty much never talk, there is a very good chance I don't actually give a fuck who's side you take. BYE.

Making a spectacle of yourself makes you look like a bigger idiot than that douchebag I had involvement with, and trust me, that's pretty fucking hard to achieve.

Secondly, and because I view it as the more important issue here. I have explained to B.E. that my confusion was because of a particular term used to describe her. I associate that term with my partners and my lovers, hence the confusion. I have also apologized to both parties, because I'm a good person who admits when they're wrong.

Anyone who takes further issue with me on that is just being an ignorant asshole.

Moving on.......

I have a writing pertaining to the facts as to what happened with the idiot calling me a psycho stalker. It's one or two writings after this one. Read it. Then go ahead and make your own judgement call. FYI, I don't care what call you make. I know the facts. He knows he has wronged me. These are the only things that matter.



So, go ahead and judge all you please. Choose sides. Whatever. But don't come around here lynching me because here's the god's honest truth: I DON'T CARE. I don't care who you are, what you think, what you think of me. I DON'T CARE. And you are just filling my inbox with shit.



Good day lynching masses.



Oh, also, I've just been really badly hurt, the least you can do is leave me the fuck alone to grieve you heartless cunts.





Anonymous vr user:

Nah, I honestly don't care about the drama. Just wanted to let you know that I was in the same boat as you some years ago with him. My best advice, just ignore him and anything he may say. He's done this with countless women over the years, and it's pretty apparent he isn't going to stop the behavior. Unless you can see him as nothing more than a friend, as I've come to, it's best to just not think about him at all. He is who he is, sadly. He's not worthy of your tears or the pain. Keep your chin up and don't let him get to you.



Thankyou very much.

Check your facts next time you pack of fucking idiots.

How the fuck do you vent heartbreak over someone who doesn't fucking exist?!

I've been in love with two men on vr. I am very good friends with the first. We still adore each other as people. (All the loves Pet.)



The other I met several months later. I spent a month just trying to work up the courage to say hi. He had a picture of himself in his portfolio back then, and he's quite handsome for the spawn of satan. We had talked for almost a week when one day I told him I loved him. That first time was an accident. But it spewed out so naturally that I couldn't stop doing it, so the next day he blocked me on every profile we were linked on. I blasted him publicly, because he had promised me the night before that we were going to talk about it, and he wasn't going to leave. But he did. I spent a week or two trying to fix it, but we just weren't ok anymore.

Until......A month later I started a new relationship with a gentleman in France. I was very fond of him. He was also a Dominant, just like this guy, and we seemed to have a natural connection too. But. I couldn't help how I felt about the man from vr. And one day, I had some terribly emotionally upheaving things happen and I posted it here, instead of running to "Master." I stated in that post that it was there instead of messaged to him because I wanted my Daddy. And he came running. We got back together for a little. It ran smoothly until....I was talking to a mutual friend about my partner, who I loved the shit out of. And she and I discovered we were with the same person. We broke up again, because I left him. I blasted him again out of anger. That lasted a week or two, and I messaged him on another website. "How could you do that to me? You obviously never cared about me, blah, blah, blah." He messaged me back that "That was entirely untrue, and that I meant more to him than I knew. He never meant to hurt me, he was an ass, he was truly sorry for what he'd done." I asked him what he wanted me to do. "Only I can decide what I want to do."

Ok. "Do you want me to leave/stay gone?"

"Of course I don't want you to leave/stay gone." And within the same conversation we were back together, but not monogamous because I couldn't trust him not to cheat on me, but I loved him and wanted to keep him, so I made cheating impossible. We were together until he left me on christmas eve for my jealousy. "He just didn't think he was the man for me. And he didn't think he could be."



This is the same man running around calling me a psycho stalker.



Understand yet? He lied to you. He lied to me.

He fucking lied to everyone. I'm not creepy. I'm not psycho, and I'm most certainly NOT A STALKER.

COMMENTS

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THExBLACKxDRAGON
11:16 Dec 30 2016

he needs to get a life

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Daize
12:25 Dec 30 2016

Men are liers and alwaya will be..specialy saying i love you like hello...well..i came to the poind that being alone is better in all ways..you are to good for all of them trust me

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LuvlySwan86
12:49 Dec 30 2016

I just can't believe he did this.

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POST COMMENT

This is a public apology to Zombiecupcake.

I'm awfully sorry for misjudging and trying to hurt you. I made a very unwise, cruel mistake.

I'm an asshole.



Thankyou, so much for going out of your way to take care of my feelings despite my lack of consideration for yours.

Once again, I'm an asshole.



I'm so sorry. That manipulative, lying fool meant so much to me, and I allowed him to blind me to who he really was. I lost control of my ability to react in a sensible manner, and that was inexcusable.

I'm not always like that. I'm not a cruel person.

At least I try not to be.

I'm really very sorry for that man posting that message to his journal. Not for myself or that other jerk, but for you. You didn't deserve to have your name smeared like that.

I'm so sorry.

COMMENTS

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ZombiexCupcake
09:41 Dec 30 2016

I know what it's like to love someone so much that it makes you crazy. It turns you into a person you're not, and never wanted to be. And I know very well what it's like to be betrayed by that person you love most. I was in a very similar situation with my ex. Only he was telling me he loved me, was going to marry me, then behind my back he was telling multiple other girls that I was stalking and harassing him. I don't hold it against you how you reacted. People can be that horrible. But not all of them are. There are better out there. If you ever need someone to listen just shoot me a message :]

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LuvlySwan86
09:43 Dec 30 2016

Thankyou. On both counts.

I'm sorry you know how this feels.

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ZombiexCupcake
09:58 Dec 30 2016

I spent five years knowing how it feels. But I also know how it feels to get past it. To be free of it. To find someone who knows what love really is. It's hard getting there, but it's worth it. You'll get there too, I'm sure :]

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POST COMMENT

Here are the things HE has told ME over the time we've been on and off again.



1. How cute, beautiful, and or sexy I am.

2. The fact he loves how slutty I am. (In private I am, I am not ashamed of that)

3. That just because he doesn't say the words, doesn't mean he doesn't love me. In fact "He tries to show me the best way he knows how."

4. That I will always be his, and always be special to him.

5. That he will always be there for me.

6. That I'm "The special one"

7. That I'm "His special person."

8. That he loves my cute lil butt.

9. I am HIS, I always was HIS, and I will always be HIS!

10. That he hates anyone else who even tries to come anywhere near me.

11. That "Of course I mean something to him. I always have and I always will."

12. That my voice is cute.

13. That I look "Yummy" naked.

14. That my vagina looks like it tastes good.

15. That he wishes he could hold me in person too.

16. That he wishes he could fuck me too. (Sorry, graphic but true.)

17. That I have beautiful eyes.

18. That I'm Daddy's snugglepuss princess.

19. "Eskimo kisses her."

20. "Kisses her nose."

21. "Have you been a naughty girl have you? Does Daddy have to bend you over and spank your cute little arse? And bang you from behind like a drum."

22. "I wanna bend you over my desk, push your head against the wall and fuck you till your cute little legs give out you little bitch!"

We used to have verbal cybersex. A lot.

I'm SUCH an unwanted psycho stalker that I have a photograph of his cock in my phone.

And a video clip of him talking to his beautiful little doggy. (Eeeeeee, tiny doggy! I love tiny dogs, ok?!)



And many, many other bullshit lies.

I hate you. How could you talk shit about me behind my back?

Yeah. Fuck, I'm super stalky and scary.

And it's not psychotic to treat someone like this. At. All.

Wake the fuck up.

Ugh, my shoulder's been playing up again. I swear to god this thing gets worse the older I get. That's muscular damage for you, I guess. At least it's my shoulder and not my knees or my bad hip.

(I know, I sound like I've got a body much older than mine, I've had the shit kicked out of me alot.)

So I'm back on the ibuprofen and codeine. It doesn't fix the matter, but it numbs the pain. I refuse to talk like a battered wife though. God, I spent far too much time saying I should have watched my mouth. Fuck that. I should have been taking a martial arts class. Having said that, some of his Shi-Kung did rub off a little.



I've stopped sleeping properly. I'll get there, this isn't the first time ever.

I'm going to see my kids in a few days. I've payed for a nice little cabin for us to share for the week. It's awesome, it's even got a proper kitchen. There's a games room and a pool. Can't wait. They're gonna have a blast.

I'm tired. On so many levels.



I'm going for my L plates soon, that'll be amusing. And looking for a job. I'm going to clean motels. It's shit work, but it's good money. And it means that when I move back up north, I'll find it easy to get work because I'll have references.



I'm slowly pulling myself together. 'Bout fucking time.