You are not a Premium Member and you are blocking ads. You are using Vampire Rave for free. Vampire Rave relies on ads in order to operate. Please disable your Ad Blocker. This can easily be done for Vampire Rave only.
If you are using Chrome, click the red hand button at the top right of the screen:
Then select: Don't run on pages on this site
If you do it correctly, the red hand will turn to green and you will no longer see this message.
The truth is no one is going to save you.
I have begun to see a clear pattern as I am trying to find myself again.
I have always been more dependent I feel than I should or maybe it’s that I’m not that needy but that everyone around me was just emotionally immature or emotionally unavailable.
So still navigating that. I also swing wildly to over independence. Which is also unhealthy.
The goal is interdependence. I suppose knowing is the first part of the battle. I haven’t had a problem thinking for myself for a long time. I exercise it daily. I might not always be right but I’m me.
But aside from the few small things I have been wanting to do for me and am finally doing to look more like me.
I still haven’t accomplished much in my life. I have no motivation and really no dreams. I don’t really feel like I’m going to live that long if I’m honest. I think I just tell myself that but I think that has more to do with my parents dying. (A whole other ball of wax)
I think it goes back to how I was treated by my family. Maybe they felt like they were doing me a favor making me stronger or helping me think more for myself. But I don’t believe that. I always felt like they didn’t believe in me.
I suppose as a child we want/need at least one person in our corner to tell us we can do it. I can’t really remember that. What I do remember is all the people who doubted me and were never there for me. When I did feel proud of my achievements and accomplishments they were always there to “knock me down a peg” because the world this and people that. …fuck..I was doing good. For 15 years I was doing what I loved but then somewhere along the line it got too much to continue doing it. If I’m honest though I never wanted to do it as a living. It was something I enjoyed as a hobby. If I’m honest it’s the only thing I feel I did well.
But I felt like a whore whoring out my talent just to pay the bills because for a long time I never saw any of that money. He took it from me but that was another problem that was rectified but is still part of it. Two people trying to do a dozen people job. The expectations just became too overwhelming. But at least I was doing something with my life…
Been pondering some things which I often do. I have mentioned this to others in my circle about life ending where it started. That the innocence that we started with often returns once a certain age is reached it’s like there is a preparation for returning back to the womb again for some. Or maybe it’s the longing itself that makes us remember the glory days of our youth. I remember a certain freedom in my innocence. The freedom of thought and imagination. The feeling that nothing could bound me or hold me back from my dreams. Then well life happened and others spoke into that tapestry and weaved there own deceptions and errors. Couple that with a parent that was so broken and downtrodden already he had no goal in sight except to make it through that day.
He once told me that he forgot how to fly. I asked him what he meant by that. He said in my dreams at night I could fly but now I can’t. I have forgotten how. That is when I told him that I also knew how to fly in my dreams. I worked hard at first I crashed a lot and had to start over again and again, which was just as hard to learn. I don’t think I saw him smile more than since that conversation. My brother was a lucid dreamer as well we often flew together at night. That’s a conversation for another time.
The flying together all stopped though once certain things happened…anyway that reverie went off course..lol I haven’t forgotten how to fly and I don’t ever plan on it.
I love you guys. Struggles and all. You are beautiful to me. Life and people are messy. You know even when I’m mad at someone it’s hard for me to stop loving them. I still think about the people I’m upset with and hope that life is going well for them and that they can find peace and some semblance of happiness. *shrugs*
The older I get I’m just over struggling with people trying to motivate change in them even when they see it but still choose to continue in things they know will not help them. You know free will stuff.
I still love you none of that changes how I feel about you. You are more than the sum of your mistakes. What sucks even more is having to love someone from a distance.
That’s the one that hurts the most not being able to have him in my life because I just can’t help what’s wrong with him. There I said it even with everything that has happened I never stopped loving him.
Never stopped hoping that he would truly want something different but I respect and love him too much to change who he is. I could make him but I run the risk of him hating me for it later. If you love them let them go.
COMMENTS
-
STABB666
18:12 Sep 12 2024
Thank you.
For everything you are.