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A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"





And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.





"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"



And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"



And his dick deflated again.



"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"



The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"



And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"





But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"



But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"



Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.



"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.



The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

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Isis101
20:15 Jul 31 2014

Oh no...LMAO!

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A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.



Officer: May i see your licence?



Lady: what does it look like?



Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.



The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.



The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

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Isis101
20:16 Jul 31 2014

LMAO...so bad! I bet blondes get sick of dumb blonde jokes...funny as hell though!

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One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.



Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.



So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.



When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.



16 years later



16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"



"What?"



I pissed out a bullet.



So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.



Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."



So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.



Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"



The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."



"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

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EmilyRoseScott
22:33 Jul 27 2014

Hhaaha wellt thats one way to kill a house hold pet...

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Isis101
20:17 Jul 31 2014

Oh no...lol!

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What women would do if they had a penis for a day:



10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.



9. Get a blow job.



8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.



7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.



6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.



5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.



4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.



3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.



2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.



1. Repeat number 9......

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Isis101
01:24 Jul 28 2014

OMG - LOL!

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What men would do if they had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.



9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.



8. See if they could finally do the splits.



7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.



6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.



5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.



4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.



3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.



2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.



1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.



When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."



Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.



"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."



She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.



They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"



His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."



When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.



His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"



"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."



A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"



Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.



Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.



The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

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EmilyRoseScott
09:02 Jul 22 2014

Haha, wow that musta burned up the wife even more XD

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The Perfect Day



The Perfect Day - Her



8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale

9:30 Light Breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms



The Perfect Day - Him



6:45 Alarm.

7:00 Shower and massage.

7:30 Blowjob.

7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.

8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.

8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.

9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.

12:30 Blowjob.

12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.

3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.

6:15 Blowjob.

6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.

7:30 Shit, shower, shave.

8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).

9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero

10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries

11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their wives. "What are you getting your wife?" asks the poor man. And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Marcedes." "Why both?" asks the poor man. And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Marcedes when she returns the ring." And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your wife?" And the poor man says "I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

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Isis101
09:46 Jul 15 2014

LOL! Keep 'em coming!

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EmilyRoseScott
09:09 Jul 22 2014

If my mate got me a pair of slippers Id like them... Hell, I dont need gifts to makes me happy. But would be nice to just be able to randomly belt "Ma diamond ring so bling bling

Boyeojulge nae sexy swag" -blushes- If I had a diamond ring and it wouldnt even have to be big at all... Hell, my ex fiancee he only spent 75 dollars on my engagement ring and it was a really pretty ring. I dont get why girls think money buys happiness... Love and being cared for really gets you a long way! Hehe

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Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

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Isis101
09:46 Jul 15 2014

OMG - I love it! LMAO!

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EmilyRoseScott
09:10 Jul 22 2014

Moral of the story; dont take yer old lady on vacation XD

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Briar Bear and Briar rabbit were walking through the forest one day. When Briar Bear found and lamp.

Briar Bear started to clean the lamp with Briar Rabbit when a genie appeared from the bottle.

"Since both of you released me from my bottle. I will grant both of you three wishes." Said Genie.

Both Briar Bear and Briar Rabbit thought about their wishes.

Briar Bear asked first.

"I want all the bears in this forest to be female."

POOF !!

Briar Rabbit said, "I want a motorcycle helmet"

POOF !!

The genie looked at both and asked them to make their second wish.

Once again Briar Bear went first.

"I want all the bears in the world to be female."

POOF !!

Briar Rabbit said, "I want a motorcycle fully gased up and goes real fast."

POOF !!

Briar Bear says, "Why did you asked for a motorcycle and a helmet?"

Briar Rabbit just stood there smiling.

"Now, make your final wish." Said Genie.

Briar Bear says, "I want all the female bears in the world to be in love with me."

POOF !!

Meanwhile, Briar Rabbit has his helmet on and is sitting on his motorcycle. Briar Rabbit is revving his motorcycle with one hand on the brake.

Just as Briar Rabbit let go of the brake, he makes his final wish.

"I want Briar Bear to be gay!"

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Isis101
04:33 Jul 13 2014

LOL!

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BeautifulxHangover
22:16 Jul 14 2014

An oldie but goody

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