The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

still not dreaming like I should. I miss it. at least when I was dreaming I felt important and needed. I am getting ready for the holidays. It doesn't seem to have much glamour to them anymore. everything seems hollow almost pointless. I am dreading this trip. I can't seem to get my family member stiff contorted face out of my mind as death finally claims the soul. It's eating at me, knowing that I am helpless at the situation. I ran out of time. Now it's all about borrowed time. sigh. I am starting to feel less human. I feel myself compelled to touch my other coworkers hands just to see how soft they are, or if I can pick up on anything from them. My sense of touch has changed. It's unreal. Everything is changing its getting harder to hide in plain sight to be honest. I went to the movies and almost had a heart attack because I couldn't stop seeing triple in slow motion. But this time I saw snippets of other things while I was trrying to correct my vision. I scared a lady when I looked at her. I got to remember to bring my sunglasses everywhere. I feel almost alien. As much as this trip I am looking forward to this trip, I hope that no matter what I can handle this trip to be honest. Just power through the holidays and go back to my poor miserable life.



SOB#2 is really really getting on my nerves. I have to constantly remind myself that he is the safe choice. I get so angry at him that I want to do horrible monstrous things to him. For right now I need him while I am figuring out things. I need him for my humanity to be honest because I don't want to end up heartless and cold. Im afraid thats what I am turning out to be. I refuse to raise her with a cold heart. Maybe it's ok if I hate him as long as I can control the urge not to harm him.



I've been craving anything that wants to burn the hell out of my taste buds and throat. Food is so nasty on so many levels. Im trying to blend back in and not worry everyone else in my life that I am not eating. So I've been experimenting. Probably not a smart thing to do, but right now it's been working better for me. I made a raw liver smoothie with minced garlic and cinnamon. Horrible combination but I was able to down the entire thing and stop consuming food to fill that hungry urge that never goes away.





I've been trying to figure out the triple vision thing but so far my research is coming out short. I haven't found anything unfortunately. I won't let that hinder me. I just got to keep moving forward. Eventually maybe I will find answers to my questions.

I have a bad feeling about this.......

I've been on a food binge for over a week now. I know it won't solve my problem by any means. I'm still hungry. Everyone in my waking life is just so happy I'm eating again and haven't realized yet I'm not really keeping much down. I'm back to not sleeping much and not dreaming again. I'll tell you one thing not dreaming really bothers the hell out of me. I wake up feeling exhausted and disjointed.



I get to take a small break and visit my folks. I'm happy about that but at the same time I'm dreading it. This is the year where one of them is supposed to die. My nerves are on edge. I hate it but I know it's coming. To be honest I'm not sure how to handle it.

Another holiday ruined spent in tears. I really wish that I could actually enjoy the holidays again. Obviously that's too much to ask. Damn it I wish I had a man not a child trapped in mans body. Sigh que sera sera c'est la vie

I wonder if your fiance knows you'll be dining on her on your honeymoon?