Big Block Walls and Locked Doors with Deadbolts!
13:11 Jan 29 2007
Times Read: 631
*work in progress**
I have not written alot of personal information in my profile. From all my past experiences, I now find myself lurking behind big block walls & locked doors with deadbolts. Don't jump to the conclusion that you understand & know me without reading the rest of the story. Because I struggle to allow others to know me. I fear people knowing who I really am and everything I believe in will only repeat what has happened throughout my life. To be hurt and misunderstood and not truely appreciative of the individual that I am! Writing allows me to remain behind my walls, for the fear of my speech is too much of a battle at this time.
I am a unique individual, one with a very loving & forgiving heart. The person that everyone goes to with their crisis or problem or needs. I am eager to listen, to lend a hand, to help, to comfort, to support, even do someone's laundry or lend my last dollar. I am dependable and reliable. I never allow any doubt. I can't stand to see someone to go without, so I make sacrifices of myself for others to have. I am a strong person but yet you wouldn't know it that I am also so very weak.
I have worked hard all my life and not afraid of any type of work. My early lessons in the beginning of my adult life in the "Real World" were struggles & challenges that I created & conquered for myself. I never chose to take the paved road offered, but build my own road from the path I traveled.
Several challenges have defeated and left me with nothing to start over with again. But, I pick myself up and start again. Each time, I say to myself "That which doesn't break me will only make me stronger"! Not ever allowing just one person to completely know of all my wounds & scars.
I consider myself an extremely intelligent person, but I do not have certified documents from Universities framed on my walls. My sisters found their path through school (honor rolls & the popular crowd) while I struggled to find the hall to class. My achievements were fast & early and real experiences in life, while my older sister was in the process of completing college degree.
Along my path, I have loved & I have lost; I have loved & I have let go; I have loved & I have pulled away from. But most importantly, I have loved and want to continue to love. Some may not have been appropriate choices and some destructful but I always found that "goodness" in them. That sparkle in their heart, the twinkle in their eye, that spirit in their smile, that little light. Although it may be drowning under tears, or buried by anger, or hidden by hurt or has grown dim....I can see it. A lot of the times through one's eyes, I can see through all the obstiacles. (The eyes are the windows to your soul.) That is puriest part of anyone...the "good" and even the most sick individuals still have some left somewhere...(its just misplaced).
I have a very free spirit. If you feel that you have trapped it or control of it; its only because I have allowed it to be held. But don't try to smoother for I will only suffericate and fade away. But take advantage of the time shared, appreciate and respect it for I have so much to give. Many times it has been misunderstood, and a conclusion given for story that hasn't been written. So don't be scared, don't anticipate, just relax and feel what is present. There aren't any strings attached; no legal documents; only hope that you appreciate, attempt to understand, but most of all give a little respect.
I have heard the words before that I was beautiful... some only using it as a pickup line to get something....but I look in the mirror and I don't see it. I always wanted to change things to look better. I have struggled with a weight issue off and on 28 years now. And I am ashamed of the worst that it has been. I finally am feeling better about my looks, although its based on the worst, but I never have seen the beauty through my eyes but I have at least once felt it through someone else's eyes.
To be continued later...........
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