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Sometimes I feel like my mother is trying to kill me. I know it all honesty that she does not mean too, but it’s slip-ups and not paying attention that would do me in. That and she bitches about the organic shit that I have to use all the time. I don’t use organic because it's cool and lyke so in! But because if I don’t, I’ll die.



When I was 19, I broke out with a rash on my arms, back, and legs. The rash would at the time cause boils, puss, blood, and it hurt like a sonofabitch. We went to the doctor, and they could not for the life of them figure it out. They did a biopsy on a part of my leg and couldn’t find a reason. They did an allergy test on a patch of my back to see what I was allergic too, found nothing. They passed me around from doctor to doctor trying to find a reason that I was reacting and what I was reacting too.



Come to find out it was a little chemical called Propylene Glycol. (For those who don’t live in the US you’re fine). What is Propylene Glycol? Well according to a study done in 1997 by ATSDR (Agency for Toxic Substances & Disease Registry):



Propylene glycol is a synthetic liquid substance that absorbs water. Propylene glycol is also used to make polyester compounds, and as a base for deicing solutions. Propylene glycol is utilized by the chemical, food, and pharmaceutical industries as antifreeze when leakage might lead to contact with food. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has classified propylene glycol as an additive that is "generally recognized as safe" for use in food. It is used to absorb extra water and maintain moisture in certain medicines, cosmetics, or food products. It is a solvent for food colors and flavors and in the paint and plastics industries. Propylene glycol is also used to create artificial smoke or fog used in fire-fighting training and theatrical productions. Other names for propylene glycol are 1,2-dihydroxypropane, 1,2-propanediol, methyl glycol, and trimethyl glycol.



Propylene glycol is clear, colorless, slightly syrupy liquid at room temperature. It may exist in air in the vapor form, although propylene glycol must be heated or briskly shaken to produce a vapor. Propylene glycol is practically odorless and tasteless.



Right, doesn’t sound too bad? I mean what could that chemical be in? Well...everything. In 2014, The Daily Meal did a study on foods and drinks that the chemical is hidden in. This was right after Fireball Cinnamon Whisky was pulled off the shelves for containing too much of the ingredient to meet the EU standards. And while Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says...it’s not that bad...they said the same shit about lead. So things like Flavored Ice Teas, Ice Cream, Boxed cake mix, Salad Dressings...basic foods that most people use or eat every once in a while.



Nowadays it is considered a medium health risk. But ten years ago when I was learning about it, I had to read every label of everything I bought. And I still do.Why? Because the few times that I thought it was okay because one product was, doesn’t mean others by that company are. I was rushed to the hospital to have fluid pumped thorough me to flush it out. I can’t just use an Epi-pen, or take a pill; it has to be flushed from my system, or I die. I no longer get the skin rash as a first sign. My stage one is itching, itching everywhere like you have a million ants crawling on you, my skin starts to burn. Your worst sunburns times 50, almost like someone dumped chemicals on your skin. It makes you cry and scream; then my face swells till my eyes are swollen over and I can’t see. Then my throat closes, and I suffocate. This happens in under 30 minutes. The second I get the itching, I know. It’s then a rush for my parents to get me to the hospital while trying to figure out what I touched or ate.



There are websites like GoodGuide, which as a great list of what you’re looking for via shampoo, food, toothpaste, etc. that shows what products have it. Every report I have read says that Propylene Glycol just causes mild issues, my problem is not mild. And thus far I’m the only person I’ve met that has this issue.



So no, I don’t really go out to eat, no if I run out of something I can’t pop up to the store and buy something. I have to research everything I want, including makeup, to make sure that I can use it.



Which brings me back to my first comment about my mother who went to the store to buy body wash and came back with shit I’m allergic too. Ten years and she’s still buying shit I can’t use. Thankfully I read the bottle before I used it.

You know the book Geography Club by Brent Hartinger came out in 2003. In 2003, I was 16, and I was in school at Incarnate Word Academy (An all-girl Catholic school for those who don’t know). And we actually had the book in our school library (which was my favorite place) It was right after the library moved from the one of the older buildings to a new building (the old room later became the chapel).



For those who don’t know what the book is about: “The novel follows a group of high school students who feel like outsiders because of their sexual orientations; the narrator, Russel Middlebrook, then finds himself helping to form an after school club for the students, so that they can hang out together without anyone suspecting their secrets.” They name the club they start Geography Club because they figured it’s a boring subject, and no one would want to join. But it is a pro LGBT+ book which I did not expect to find at my school. Even though they were pretty forward thinking, we did not have a GSA at that time, but they did allow me to do the Day of Silence (http://www.dayofsilence.org/) that year.



Anyway, it is one of the few books that 12 years later, still comes to mind and I think about it. In 2013, it did become a movie which wasn’t too bad, but I believe that it cut out a lot of valuable information, and it felt rushed.



At age 16 I was questioning myself and what I was. No, it didn’t help me find an answer, no I still have no idea what I am half the time. But reading that book, while stuck at an all girl Catholic school gave me a sense of hope and helped me realize and understand that I wasn’t the only one going through those things and had the same thoughts. Then I had no idea if I was a lesbian, straight, bi (since those were the only terms I knew) and none of them felt right. I knew I was Queer, but that was it.



12 years later I am aware that I’m pansexual “not limited in sexual choice concerning biological sex, gender, or gender identity.”



I’m also asexual “An asexual person is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Most individuals find there are certain people they are not sexually attracted to. For asexuals, this includes everybody!” While yes I find people attractive (Mostly celebrities and fictional) the idea of having sex with someone doesn’t appeal to me. Do I get horny, yeah sure but masturbation works fine and is healthy.



Those two terms I didn’t know or learn about until I was in college. Also, in the past year, I’ve come to realize I’m genderfluid. “Gender Fluid is a gender identity which refers to a gender which varies over time. A gender fluid person may at any time identify as male, female, neutrois, or any other non-binary identity, or some combination of identities. Their gender identity can vary at random or in response to different circumstances. Gender fluid people may also identify as multigender, non-binary and/or transgender.” This I didn’t learn about or understand until I met a lovely friend of mine, Charlie. He has been a life saver in the fact that he understands and gets me.



From the time I was 14/15 and coming into sexual awareness and dating and all those hormonal shipwrecks, we call adolescence. I thought I was broken because of the way I felt and saw myself. And the thought of being broken followed me past college. I wasn’t normal, or what I perceived as normal. I didn’t date, I didn’t do the one-night stands, I wasn’t just focused on boys or just girls, I didn’t always feel like a girl. Even going as far back as middle school, there were times I would feel more female and do the stereotypical female things and then there would times that I would see myself as a male; that when I would daydream and make-believe, I would be a male named ‘Christopher.' And that still holds truth today when I daydream or dream at night I see myself as Christopher.



Charlie was the first person that I could really express that feeling of broken too. Hell, I haven’t even known Charlie for a year, I met him earlier this year roleplaying on tumblr, and we just clicked. But he understood what I was talking about and educated me on what genderfluid was. And for that, I am forever thankful for him. He made me realize that I’m not broken, or weird, or fucked up.



I know some of you are wondering why I am posting about something that is so personal and holds a lot of information. Because last week I was blocked my a family member. A family member that condemned a Transgender girl for winning homecoming queen this year. Now I know and understand that my family member is extremely religious. But I also know that she has an incredible heart, she adopted five children; four of them were born from the same mother who had a drug problem. And instead of allowing the system to separate the siblings she adopted all four. And I think that is brilliant. And a few years ago she took in another little girl born of a drug mother who has health issues now because of it. So I know my cousin has a good heart, but I do think she’s ignorant and uneducated when it comes to the LGBT+ community, and she condemns people she doesn’t understand.



The conversation that happened actually wasn’t between us; we were going to be at an impasse of her not understanding and I was just going to let it go under religious bigotry. But one of her hate mongering friends attacked me and the Trans community. And while I’m not trans, a lot of my friends are, and I love them; and an attack on them is an attack on me. She said I was ignorant and didn’t know what I was talking about.



So this post is to explain and tell everyone on my friends list and those who are spying on me (I know you are), that I am Queer.



I am Queer, and I love myself. My parents love me. My parents accept me. And I have amazing friends that I love and adore who also accept me. And yes your friend hurt my feelings and no I will never apologize for calling her a cunt. Because that’s what she is, she’s a transphobic, homophobic, hate mongering, bigoted cunt.



And if me being queer is an issue to you or anyone else on my friends list, please unfriend me. Because I am not changing, I am not hiding who I am, and I will stand with my LGBT+ family, and I will post about our issues, our battles, and the war that is raged against us in this world from people like you and your friend.



I am queer, and I love myself. And if you have an issue with someone who loves themselves and a problem with love, in general, I don’t want to be your friend, I don’t want to be your family. I don’t need you in my life. So excuse yourself from my life.