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Things are feeling a little strange, and I suppose they will likely continue to feel that way for a good while.

I don't know what's happening right now. It's just weird to be in a place I don't hate and wondering if I actually deserve not to hate what's around me; but then I think that actually I worked damn hard for this, and if I had been allowed to get it together sooner than this then perhaps things would have been a little different.

I don't know.



Anyway I guess I have to get back to work at some point over the next few weeks, which is scary af to think about.

Blergh.

Okay so things have been pretty crazy for a while; I've been painting and sorting through things and letting go of a lot of old stuff - I'd like to say I'm around half way through but hey who knows.

Most of what's left is equipment and instruments and materials, as opposed to things that are not in use or circulation.

I'm going to have another go through all my clothes before the new year, maybe get the kiddie stuff in my bottom drawer packed into a box to be put in the loft.



All in all I've been focusing a lot on the space I'm in and making that feel like a nicer space to be in as opposed to just having to tolerate it and it stressing me out.

Still some big stuff to go but yeah I'm thinking of continuing this trend with a big push for the new year so if everything does go to shit I am in a better position to be able to handle it.



I definitely have to focus on listening to my own needs for a little bit and honoring the person I want to be as opposed to this weird awful person I feel like I have been the last few years.

I need to really keep educating myself and keep studying and reading because I was being so illogically dense it is embarrassing.



Anyway if you're checking here because you're worrying about me; I'm good and I'm sorry I dissolved into a puddle for the year and just couldn't with anything, so there's that.

But yeah, physical health has been bad and mental health is very tough but doing what I need to do to get through it.

There's a lot of stuff that it's very strange to think about now because I'm doing my best to think about here and now and being present and being responsible and adult and just aggahghaghrghghhh.

But I'm good.



I guess I'm going to try for some early pre-spring-cleaning / new year clean up.



Hopefully I can fight my way out of this corner I've painted myself into rather stupidly and get on with things - like I should have done after I finished college :/

Maybe it is time to start looking into illustration courses again. Maybe it's a sign from life. Lol.