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i got everythin i need, i have love, im bck with meghan, and lisa is still my friend. i have a lot of friends, i try to help myself healthly i really do. it just never works, lets put it this way when im sad ya songs and a cigarette will help but when im like this, suicidal.

i have done my share of drugs mostly weed, and alcohol. i have done others to. it doesnt rly matter but it seems like wen i was using i was happier, it helped a lot, weed did. alcohol did not help at all. i wasnt an angry drunk i was rly flirty funny nice and well stupid as fuck, but wen i was a lone after drinkin. god dam id black out, end up waking up with a wrist completly covered in blood. the one time i wrote "fuck life" in blood it was right beside me when i woke up. i kept it as a reminder not to get drunk. i never rly liked drinkin, but i did it a lot.

i smoked weed more then anything and it helped me so much, but sadly it is illegal so i had to stop. i can honestly say i was amoung the lucky few to be mentally addicted to weed, if u dont think it happens ur so wrong. first hand expierence on tht one. but did it help me with my deppression, yes it did. was it rly a lasting effect, no. but it worked for the short term. i wouldn't take bck smokin weed, i wish i could change my past and stop myself from drinkin, but i cant change tht obviously so i wont bitch about it. i just wish ppl would legalize weed, it helped me it could help others. but i understand the problems with legalizing weed.

weed was the best way for me to cope but i dont kno, it a sets a bad example for my little cuzs, they look up to me, i dont want to see them go down the same path i did. but i wish i could just get my mood up, im trying everything. it just doesn't work.

cutting and drugs are my cure but i cant let myself live how i did. i need to look at the big picture and toughen up, my friends try to help, my family. i have support and so many ppl tht love me well at least thts what they say, there love is the only thing thts keepin me a live.

u kno wat i can not understand? i can help all my friends wen they are suicidal or deppressed or whateva the problem is. i heard so many sad storys, a few made me cry.

i nvr had something rly traumatic happpen to me, which im happy for cause idk how i could deal with it. ppl say im strong but i rly disagree, physically yeah im strong. but mentally not at all.

i wonder how long it'll take till this over this deppressian, i truely want to be happy, i want to get there healthily. i need to find the key to my deppression i want to find it before its to late for me.

thxs for readin

Now we all kno about gangs crips, bloodz, kings, skin heads, arien, brotherhood, m16 etc. gang rivalry is a problem in America. i dont side with any of the gangs, im not in a gang. but i honer and respect every gang member out there.

now my explanition for this is that gangs mofia whatever, they hold honer, respect. love, brotherhood. these things are so important and should be to every person.

if u frown upon gangs and think there dumb stupid worthless, then u r wrong in my opinion, i understand tht they may kill rob random ppl, which is wrong. but regardless what street gangs and the mafia represent is incredable. they have so much honer and respect, if u can show me ppl who are as brave as honerable as these gang members.

its nearly impossible, in the work force u will not find a guy willing and ready to die for there job, i respect everyone in every branch of the military too because the show the same thing.

im so sick of ppl dissing on gangs, they are making a living, u cant put down shit u dont understand, all im saying is i believe ppl should stop dissing on gangs, they show brotherhood, ppl should start livin under wat gangs go by.

if we all could unite as a brotherhood, imagine wat the world could be.

brotherhood and honer.

So im pretty much just lost in this world. im deppressed as fuck, i cant take it. its so hard for me to stay alive to not hurt myself.

i kno that self mutilation is not helping me, deep down i kno. but wen i feel numb wen i feel as if im walking in a dead body. its hard not to take a knife and cut, or take a cigarette and but it out on my arm. it just lets me kno, that im still a live.

theres actually 3 deferent reasons for my self mutilation, first wen i feel numb like i just explained.

2nd reason is i use it to punish myself, the scar is the punishment. ill use an example from my life, okay well in augest this girl sarah was madly in love with me, but i just dumped my girl meghan probably 5 hrs before all this happened. anyways i went to see a movie with her, except she didnt know i was fucked up, i acted sober. so went to c this movie, i hardly remember the nite. but the movie starts and i start holdin her hand, then i look into her eyes and say sarah im sorry she said why theres nothing to be sorry for, back and i replied yes there is for nvr openin my eyes i love you sarah. the only reason i kno tht is cause i remember her telling me, she said she was crying after i said it thts how happy she was. and we made out the whole movie. wen i woke in my mornin i felt like shit me and sarah acted like nothing happened well till like nite and she asked if it were a dream. and i had to explain tht i went fucked up and didnt mean tht stuff. she was balling so i took a serrated knife and cut 3 times on my fore arm. i dont slit my wrists cause my intention is not sucicide. regardless we eventually stoped talkin i regret doin wat i did so much she was amazing and one of the most beatuiful women u will ever see. blonde hair blue eyes pale smooth skin perfect body. just a beautiful girl inside and out. i will never forgive myself for losin her.

now the 3rd reason i cut/burn is rly fucked the hell up i kno. but its as an award, for like doin somethin good or sometimes its just an urge to cut. it makes me happy makes me feeel soo good u have no idea. as an example i carved A cross into my forearm.

most ppl dont understand the whole pain=plesure thing, but honestly its all controled by you mind. just keep repeating in ur head while iur gettin hurt it feels good it feels good. and eventually u will be able to find pleasre threw it.

i kno its fucked up but im not hurting someone else i couldnt even imagine cutting someeone, im not that kinda guy. more of a peacefull guy i been in fights, but only fists no weapons. its more honerable and a fair fight...

i do not suggest for anyone to begain self mutilation, for one its dangerous, two it wont help all ull get is some scars and u might end up depending on it to help you, its just an illuion just keep tht in mind.

if anyone needs someone to talk to send me a message ill get bck to u as soon as i can.