OA04:58 Jul 27 2017
Times Read: 338
Many people don't realize what OA stands for, but I'm going to tell you.
I'm going to use this journal to be open with myself, honest with myself, and and hide behind myself. Who knows, I may delete this in a week out of embarrassment, because that's what I do. I'm embarrassed with myself. I am my own destruction. I rampage my mind into a quiet submission. I'm not the best writer so bare with me; I actually hate to write. My issues gets louder everyday and it screams for attention when I'm supposed to be distracted. So here goes...
I am a binge eater. I do not binge and purge, just binge. I try to not eat... out of guilt, then I'm starving, then I can't stop thinking about eating, and then I put every morsel of food that I can find in my mouth. I wait until I'm alone to devour an excessive amount of food. I know I shouldn't do that. I'm very logical about it actually. I'm not sure but my inability to be in control is due to my mental health. I think....
I used to not be like this. I used to be okay with how I am, I've binged ate for a long time, but it used to no bother me. There was an inkling in my mind that what I was doing was wrong but I was able to shoo the thought away. I mean I wasn't happy, but I was content. At the moment, it defines me. My eating disorder is me and now it's never out of my mind. I'm always thinking about it in one way or another. When sitting in a chair. (Mind you, not that I'm going to break the chair, but how I look in the chair, how vain.) When I go grocery shopping. When ordering food. Buying anything unhealthy.
Now, I'm not depressed, I function, I wake up with ease most days, I go to work, and I'm able to be full functioning. I just can't stop myself from eating. I've even have a personal trainer to work out and I have a friend who helps with micro nutrition. Unfortunately, I have no self control after a certain point in trying. I feel my stomach and my first though is, "I wish I could just chop it off". Not actually chop it off. I know my eating is the issue, not my body. It's all my mind. Oh, dear lord, that make me think of some of the reactions of my ex-bf. He says just work out harder and you can do it. I know he meant well, but it showed that he didn't understand that I felt like I don't feel like I have control. A co-worker that I was semi-close with at the time said the same thing. I've tried "just doing" it, it works for a short burst of time but I end of falling off the wagon and failing.
Who have I talked about this with and why am I like this?? Well, that's for a later time, but OA stands for over-eaters anonymous. This is my over-eaters anonymous, this is my story.
COMMENTS
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Dakotah
15:30 Jul 27 2017
I admire you that you posted this. Your personal struggles with OA. I think post like this where a person post there struggles why I admire these post is the person made a hard post about something personal and private and how much it will help others who struggle with OA who read it. Now this is truly an honorable thing to do.
LascivoCuore
15:41 Jul 27 2017
I appreciate that. :)
Vampireking777
02:04 Feb 20 2019
I agree posting about are suffering help learn and helps others as well