The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Chuckles
20:20 May 31 2013
Times Read: 550

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME:



1. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"Your room looks like a tornado hit it."

2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.

"You better pray that comes out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

5. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, I can take you out."

6. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who don't have wonderful parents like you."

7. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when we get home."

8. My mother taught me about GENEOLOGY.

"Shut that door... You think you were raised in a barn?"

9. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids... I hope they turn out just like you!"

10. My mother taught me about LOGIC.

"Because I said so, That's why."

11. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until your spinach is gone."

12. My mother taught me about IRONY.

"Keep crying. I'll give you something to cry about."

22:30 May 28 2013
Times Read: 556

To succeed in life you need three things.



A wish bone



A back bone



and a funny bone.





Well said Reba McEntire!

12:50 May 17 2013
Times Read: 587










The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.



Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar



Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists



Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire



Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight



Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed



Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election



Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)



Q.. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental



Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death



Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow



Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)



Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (wtf!)



Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)



Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian section'

A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome



Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)



Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)



Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas



Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)



Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)



Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

17:01 May 09 2013
Times Read: 596

I did chuckle at all of these. Made my day even though i have heard some of them.





CHINESE PROVERBS



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.