The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Random Thoughts
03:35 Aug 26 2016
Times Read: 456

Am I really ready to take on some friendships? Or am I even ready to take on people as an a whole? Could I be at an point in my life where I can get friends, lovers?



I’ve been asking myself these questions a lot lately. Now you are probably wondering why I would question myself. Most would think that having friends, and learning to maintain a friend is easy enough. For people like me with anxitey and other problems, it is not an simple task.



Personally for me, I do not even trust half the people I know because of issues I have had in the past, so having something that could even last for more then three months, is shocking. Now I am trying to trust people more, everyone thinks it is a simple thing to do. It’s more daunting then anything else. I am rather paranoid a lot, and I am always worried about something I say. It drives me mad, how I can act like this towards people. For me it feels like I never did enough, or will be enough.



Every time I tried to help, someone lashes out, or leaves, or gets mad at me. I could just be bad at helping friends. I really care for people a lot, and that ends me getting hurt a lot. I learned to become numb at this point.



From all the crap I’ve been through, with love, and everything else when it comes to people, I learnt to bury it six feet underneath, to never bother with. I know avoiding problems is bad, but just talking about it, triggers, panic attacks, and breakdowns. I rather not talk about my abuse, or the hell I went through, or about my trust issues. It just reminds me how much an of a mess I am.



Maybe I have to be alone, and cry a lot and try to fix myself before I can try to hold a good friendship. Do not get me wrong, I am good at having people be my friends, and I know how to do them very well. But it seems to be going to shit lately. Maybe it is me, there always seem to be some problem with me. I am tired, and it will be a problem for another day. anxitey

It's hard
23:28 Aug 15 2016
Times Read: 496

It is very hard to look at people, and see how blind they are. People support monsters like trump, and Hilary is not any better. It's hard to get up everyday, to know people in my house want half a race dead. Or they deny that black people are not getting shot. It is fucking hard to know everyday, that everyone fucking around me supports such monstrous men, and women.







They say I am flawed, and I do not understand anything, and I am plainly stupid. I do understand something, I understand innocent people are getting killed by white police, and that there is proof to back that up. I understand that Muslims are people and that I cannot blame a whole race of 1.6 billion Muslims for the faults of some very evil people. I know there is bad, but fucking use your brain and realize that every race is bad.



Other races rape,kill, molest, stop being a blind ass, and going around saying that we need to deport all of them. Yet you were the ones who migrated a while back, and nearly destroyed the Native Indian population. Take into context, you are just as bad as the bad Muslims. Stop blaming them all. You are using that to make yourself feel better for your actions.



Stop denying black lives matter. You will say well all lives matters. Have you taken into context, and looked at the actually evidence, and seen that innocent black people are killed more. Yes I do understand not all cops are bad, of course not. I am simply talking about all bad guys here. I watched a twelve year old get shot, because he had a toy gun in his hand. I saw a innocent man get shot because he was pulling out his license out, I saw a black women, called the cops because she was so scared of a white cop beating her. When she did not do anything at all. I am seeing these things all the time, and I find it hard to believe, that people deny such things. Black lives is real, it is not made by anyone. It is made by regular people like me and you. They just want to be able to live, and not get shot randomly. If you cannot look at the evidence, then you are no better then the bad guys.





People support men who are sexist to women, who are against women's rights, abortion etc... Now I am not saying you have to support it, just do not deal with it. But tell me what right do you have over someone's body? It is not your body, you are not the one making the decisions, so stop. I am not asking for people to change, but if you can admit that these bad guys are really bad. Then you are sure as hell better then any of them.





I meet excellent and extraordinary people, but then they support these monsters or are pretty horrific when it comes to their views. It is hard to see, people who do not want to admit global warming, or want to ban a whole race. I am getting tired, and I just cannot put myself around people like you. If you are going to support things like that, then you are just contributing to the problem. I am done. If people want to be idiotic, and support shit like this, do me an fucking favor and stay away from me. Cause I deserve people, friends and etc... Who are smart, and do not fucking support nutty views.

Depression?
11:51 Aug 12 2016
Times Read: 513

You will see my breakdowns, the times I cry, and freak out. However you will not the aftermath of it. After you have calmed me down, you will go to bed, thinking, I am alright, and that it is all fine. Like nothing ever happened. Have you ever thought about the aftermath? What happens to me, when I am done crying? I have not found anyone who thinks about the outcome of what happens after. I say I am fine. That I will be happy, and I will go on during the day without being upset. Then you leave, going on like nothing ever happened.  



Ha! That is one hell of a lie, I do not tell you, how numb I am after. How I feel like fucking garbage. I come off as the most happiest person, you probably meet. But I am not far from happy. I am a very positive person in life, and always try to see the best of it. It is rather hard, when no tells me, I know you are not okay. I wish someone would look me in the eyes, and say, that. I know I have said to people, telling them, I know it is hard, and give all the support they need. I am the type of person, who cares a lot, but I am not just in the moment. I try to help you whenever I can, because I know you may not be totally fine after. You could feel the same crap, I have felt. Most days I am living through depression, it is not just about the breakdowns. It happens all the time. I feel numb a lot, and tired. No one really has ever asked, if I feel that way. I do know there are people out there who are like that. I am not oblivious, about that. It is just hard to find people, who do understand, because the lack of mental awareness is pretty bad. I am just tired, of all the crap I go through. I am tired of awaking up, and having no one around because they do not understand. Or are too busy.

Lazy shits
11:16 Aug 10 2016
Times Read: 560

You know,

Cause 90% of the people I meet meet, everywhere cannot hold a fucking conversation for more then five minutes. You ever think, maybe why you are so fucking broken, cause you have either lack friends, or lover, or whatever the hell you do not have. People complain and complain. It is alright to complain, but have you fucking even went to the root of you're goddamn problem? I am not asking for you to talk to me long. But can you fucking try?





















Do you ever fucking, think in that tiny ass brain of you'res. That maybe I like to become good friends or more!!!!!!!!!!! I am so sick of fucking people, not even trying it is so annoying. Like I may not like some people, but I do fucking try, I want to debate with you.Have fun and just chill. Have extraordinary conversations. Have an fucking blast! I do not ask for time, I can think of some people, who may not talk for long, but at least give a fuck and try. I give people great credit who are like that. It is so rare these days, to find good friends, because most people are so fucking lazy. They tell me how bad, and how fucking lonely, and how many issues. But then when it comes to trying. OH SHIT I FORGOT HOW TO FRIEND. I rather have one epic, conversation once a week, then talk to someone who just says hi, and does not give a fuck. Who does not put effort in.





















Honestly, I am an fucking cool person, and so are many people. But if you do not give the light of day, then why the fuck are you even fucking saying hi? Like I will try 400 times, to talk to you, but somehow your dumbass does not even come around. Like I meet epic people, but they are so fucking lazy, It is sad. Fine whatever, I will go on. Just know. Its





















Just give a little effort please.

Twinflames
06:49 Aug 10 2016
Times Read: 567

People say everyone has a soulmate, that it is only one person for someone. Well this is not the case. Look at the word soulmate. Alright soul is someone who has a soul close to yourself. But mate, now that means a lot of things. It could mean, a family remember, a friend, or anything in that realm. A lot of people have many soulmates, these are simply fragments of your soul. Like I have met soulmates in the past, my best friends, have been my soulmates, family members. If you ever had, a strong connection to someone, then this could be a soulmate. Now moving onto twinflames, this is someone, who is, you. It is like looking into a mirror. It is the other half of you're soul. Twinflames, have such a deep connection, that it is way more powerful then a soulmate's connection. This is the basic definition of them.







If you want to know more then check out these sites: http://www.psychicsuniverse.com/articles/love-relationships/relationships/marriage/soulmates-vs-tw, http://twinflameconnection.com/twin-flame/are-twin-flames-identical-or-opposite.html



It is such a big topic, that I cannot explain in one journal entry.





For me, my goal in life, is to find my twinflame, They could be anywhere. I may never even find them, which scares me, because this is something I want. Twinflames come together for a certain purpose. They may not even be on the same plain as us. You can always find you're twinflame, not in this lifetime, but another. Love is a very big thing for me. It can be for anyone. But I do not just want to find a soulmate, I want to find my twinflame. There are couples I can think of that are so in love, that is crazy, like my grandparents. I think they are twinflames, because they love each other a lot, like they are still in so much love at the age of 90. Some couples, a lot I find are not like that. Like sometines I see those very rare couples, and that is something I want badly. I hope I do get it, I really do. I have not had the best of life, like it has been okay, but I do want something very powerful within love. I am young, but I think my could pop up, at any time now. I have been through many relationships, and a lot of hell. Maybe they will pop up today, or the next day I do not know. They could come, in 40 years, jeez i hope not. You have to love yourself, and be complete, on you're own before you can meet them. I feel like I am, and that is something that I am very proud of, because I hated myself for a very long time. Sometimes I get down, but I do not think I am ugly, or disgusting anymore like I used to. I do things now, that I did not even think I could do. However, my twinflame may never be ready, to meet me, and that would fucking suck. Aye? I think it would, because I really want to find them. I am not looking but my eyes are open, they hit you when you do not expect it. This is just some thoughts I have on this topic

Past lives.
06:28 Aug 10 2016
Times Read: 570

I never really had a thought about something, that happened before I was born. I always thought, I have had one life, and that's it. I grew, with no talk of reincarnation, or how about someone may have many lives.





As I grew older, and lost my hold on Judaism, and started my path into Wicca/Nordic along with Paganism. I began to read many things on the internet about reincarnation. I never brought much thought to it. The older I got, the more it started to get into the back of my mind. Some people have dreams, and can recall all events, and that is it. Or remember the name of that person, with the time period. I always push off the thought about it. There were some things, that always followed me through my life. I think going through life, there are some things that you had, that stuck with me. Or something about you that was odd, or you had a very strong bond to. I have had people, tell me, through the years, how you're fears were things from past lives. I agree with some of this in a way. Like a fear you always had since you could walk. Some fears, come from events though, and may have no connection to the past. But in a sense a lot do. If you had a big thing happened to you in the past, and you developed a fear from that event then that is understandable. However I am not talking about some fear, where you may be scared of something stupid. I am talking about the type of fears, that scare you to the core, or make you stand frozen in time. For me my biggest fears have always been a fear of dark places. Cold places where time stood still, and that was wet, damp. Where I am stuck in time, and that I cannot move. I can not escape it, or anything. Like a cold basement, or even a dungeon cell, or somewhere from a old asylum. Now you could say, that this is just a simple fear of the dark, and that it is. Something else, you could say, is that this is just some fear of a child. I think that it is more then that, the fears you have as you were a child, you grow out of. Most fears you have, were nothing but simple fears, but some follow us through our lives.









In my life, I have had odd, or strong connections to certain things, which were really hard to explain. I feel like a lot of people, do and we do not how to explain it. For me, I have always had a very strong connection to Romania, Woods, Archery, and Dragons. Oh you could say, "Well she just looks it, thats it!" There is a difference between liking, and having such a strong connection that does not make any sense. Tell me, have you had a weird connection to something, you could not explain no matter what? For me it would be Romania. There is no reason, for me, to have a connection to some random country in Europe. It always bothered me, how I loved it for no reason. Now with forests, sense I could walk, I always would be around trees, no matter what. I would climb them, and I loved it. It was so much fun for me, and I do it to this day. Something about getting lose within the forest, made me so happy.





Oddly, I always loved archery, my ancestors, who are Hungarian. Had excellent talents, with it, it was one of the weapons, that they used a lot. The Hungarians were known, for doing a lot of horse back archery, and they were excellent at it. This can help me explain why I am so connected to it because of my ancestors. Now the thing with dragons, of coure they did not exist, back then. Could of, I do not know. But I always had a very strong admiration for these creatures, they reminded me of myself. I always had a extraordinary connection to it. The way they were dangerous, yet stunning. Could burn whole nations to the ground. In a way, why I associate with this with my past life, is because it reminds me, of a personality, I could of had in my past life.





Now here is a pretty freaky one, I love water, not cause I can drink it. But how in being in it, is so peaceful. A lot of people have told me, how my eyes represents, a deep, dark blue, and how they are like water. I've had, thoughts, and dreams of drowning in it. Now I do not want to die, or anything. Not at all. I love life, but this one thing always freaked me out. Like say, well if the world was ending, and I had seconds to live, that would be the way I go. The reason I think this has a connection to it, in a way. Maybe I died that way? It is hard to tell. In the end, I am still learning, but over the years, these are the things, that freaked me out, and I think are from my past life. I have a lot of things to learn, because I am only sixteen going on to seventeen soon. I have many years, till I learn what I did, and what the time period is. But hey I think this is an start!

Really?
04:22 Aug 09 2016
Times Read: 579

They say I see love, in the stars. That I only see it is as perfect. How fucking stupid do the older people think I am?

I totally did not any problems with love in the past. No it was all cherries and peaches.















I am not bitching about adults, but some act like, I haven't even seen anything. Yeah sure I have not seen what they did. But I have been through some heavy shit, like anyone else. Like I have some super mega issues right now. I can understand how dangerous love is. From all the issues with my parents in the past, with divorces. It can be a very toxic thing, which can hurt many people. I think that is why I have some trust issues. I am learning how to trust again. Which is a good thing. Some people think, I cannot understand. I try to when every I can because it can help people a lot. I just wish people would see teens differently. Sure half of us are nuts, and are stupid. But there are an a lot who work hard, go through a lot of hell. They deserve to get some credit. Everyone who gets put down by any one, deserves credit, for how they get through life.

Control, By Halsey
13:35 Aug 08 2016
Times Read: 586

HALSEY LYRICS

"Control"



They send me away to find them a fortune

A chest filled with diamonds and gold

The house was awake

With shadows and monsters

The hallways they echoed and groaned



I sat alone, in bed 'til the morning

I'm crying, "They're coming for me."

And I tried to hold these secrets inside me

My mind's like a deadly disease



I'm bigger than my body

I'm colder than this home

I'm meaner than my demons

I'm bigger than these bones



And all the kids cried out,

"Please stop, you're scaring me."

I can't help this awful energy

Goddamn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?



I paced around for hours on empty

I jumped at the slightest of sounds

And I couldn't stand the person inside me

I turned all the mirrors around



I'm bigger than my body

I'm colder than this home

I'm meaner than my demons

I'm bigger than these bones



And all the kids cried out,

"Please stop, you're scaring me."

I can't help this awful energy

Goddamn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?



I'm well acquainted

With villains that live in my bed

They beg me to write them

So they'll never die when I'm dead



And I've grown familiar

With villains that live in my head

They beg me to write them

So I'll never die when I'm dead



I'm bigger than my body

I'm colder than this home

I'm meaner than my demons

I'm bigger than these bones



[2x]

And all the kids cried out,

"Please stop, you're scaring me."

I can't help this awful energy

Goddamn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?

Why?
05:06 Aug 08 2016
Times Read: 603












I have been thinking lately, and I've been wondering why. Do I like people who are literally brick walls. I do not understand why I attract people like this. I took look inside myself, and I do always look deeply, to see if I am causing the problem. In a way I am, because I am liking those people, so I have to stay away from that. Which is hard because someone like me who talks to everyone, and is really open. I always have different types around me, somehow I get the ones who are not really responsive, or are just an wall.





This one person, I met about three months or so, literally blew my mind.



















But they never responded enough, and showed little emotion. They tell me how much they care, but then they never come around, and it was so fucking annoying. I am not trying to bitch or anything, but it drives me mad. Then another person pops up, and more etc. They are all so like brain dead, and just do not know, how to talk. I am not worried about any of that sort of love now. I need to graducate through school, then university. Lol I hope I meet less brick wall people. Who talk and give me good conversations. I wish I saw that in people more, and it's sad how so many are so much like that.

You will never know how broken I am.
06:59 Aug 07 2016
Times Read: 616




My eyes are bloodshot, as I cry for the again for the hundredth time.



I'm so tired of being alone, having no one there, going through hell, as they all watch. I am so exhausted, of no one asking if I am okay. I am just tired of it all. I have friends, and I love them to death, but they are so fucked up, that they not there, like I need them to be. That is ok, they have some disabilities where they lack empathy, and all that. Something about an lover, is so different compared friendship love, and even family love. I want someone to hold me when I am sobbing because of my depression. For them to tell me it will be all okay when I do not even think that. To have someone to come home too, to know that there will always be someone. To fucking feel amazing, and always be happy. Even if we fight, that is love, and I think it is an extraordinary thing, and I need it so bad. I am okay as a person, and I am complete, but I really need someone, because I am so tired of fighting on my own. Even if I have friends, and all that, there is something about having a lover, that I cannot describe.



















Maybe I'm stupid, Maybe I do not need it, most people make me feel stupid, because of my age. Saying I do not know anything or I am too young for any of that. Or I so go live life, and date a shit ton of people. I am not like that, I do not want to have one night stands or go party. I just want to dance, and read a fucking book with someone how hard is that? Because honestly it seems to be one the fucking hardest things to find. I do not want to wait 20 years to find my soulmate. I want it fast, and yeah I do not care. I am human, and I carve love, and I want it so badly.

07:56 Aug 06 2016
Times Read: 631

I want you to cut me, throw me against a wall. Rip my hair. Shove me, Scratch me, I want you to do evil things to me.

Tired
07:19 Aug 05 2016
Times Read: 647

I am tired, I am an fucking mess. I'm lonely, scared, I don'y know what is going to happen to me. Super stressed, and just in a fuck load of hell right now.

Im not a little kid now
04:05 Aug 05 2016
Times Read: 651

You're always aiming paper airplanes at me when you're around

You build me up like building blocks just so you can bring me down

You can crush my candy cane but you'll never catch me cry

If you dangle that diploma and I deck you, don't be surprised



I know my ABC's, yet you keep teaching me

I say, fuck your degree, alphabet boy

You think you're smarter than me with all your bad poetry

Fuck all your ABC's, alphabet boy



I'm not a little kid now

Watch me get big now

Spell my name on the fridge now

With all your alphabet toys

You won the spelling bee now

But are you smarter than me now?

You're the prince of the playground

Little alphabet boy



Apples aren't an always appropriate apologies

Butterscotch and bubblegum drops are bittersweet to me

You call me a child while you keep counting all your coins

But you're not my daddy and I'm not your dolly

And your dictionary's destroyed



I know my ABC's, yet you keep teaching me

I say, fuck your degree, alphabet boy

You think you're smarter than me with all your bad poetry

Fuck all your ABC's, alphabet boy



I'm not a little kid now

Watch me get big now

Spell my name on the fridge now

With all your alphabet toys

You won the spelling bee now

But are you smarter than me now?

You're the prince of the playground

Little alphabet boy



Alphabet boy

My alphabet boy

Alphabet boy

Alphabet boy

My alphabet boy

Ooh ooh



I'm not a little kid now

Watch me get big now

Spell my name on the fridge now

With all your alphabet toys

You won the spelling bee now

But are you smarter than me now?

You're the prince of the playground

Little alphabet boy

I suck at love.
03:11 Aug 05 2016
Times Read: 654

Darling, I know I never made it back to you. I know, I didn't show the affection, the way you did to me. Probably will not talk to me ever again, I know half of the things, and our opinions, were different. But you blew me away, and it was a intensity I never felt before.



I heared the things you told me about you're past lovers. How stunning they were, but how most of them failed. I never wore make up like them, and I am sure I am not a fucking beauty pageant queen. I may not have shave my legs, and I may have big feet, and look fucking awkward at times. I may m ake mistakes because of my younger age, and I know, I have so much to work on. I got one hell of life ahead of me, but you do to. It may of been only three months, but you were around a lot, and showed a lot of emotion to me.



I know, I am young, and I may not have seen the things you saw. I may not been, what you wanted, and I know it was just a crush. Probably moved on, and I am numb about you now. Maybe you were numb, and just did not show it, because you were scared to. Maybe you played me, and just thought I was some other chick, and that it was nothing.



You confused me, and made me feel angry, because of some things you could not realize. I told you number of times, to try and be better. You're heart was burning, but you're hands were cold as hell. You went by storm, and I understand why you called yourself that, because you were on fucking major one. That has been spinning out of control for a very long time, and, I was blinded by the rain.









-Scarlet