THIS JOURNAL IS ON 117 FAVORITE JOURNAL LISTSHonor: 19 [ Give / Take ]
8 entries this month
Stress anyone20:02 Jan 29 2007
Times Read: 785
Ok thursday got kicked out of my home with my car. my laptop, my dogs and some clothes. Tomorrow I go to the lawyer, Friday mom and dad show up to get my stuff out of the house....and saturday I drive to NY. Oh Joy!!!
I wonder how much more stress one person can take. I'm exhausted, emotional and just want it over with.
IT was bound to happen-----*sighs*03:54 Jan 26 2007
Times Read: 794
Well it finally happen. Ex Hubby to be...threw me out of the house. I am living with a friend and then going to NY. My online time with be spotty for awhile, just leave messages....I will get back to you eventually.
Do I ask for too much?23:24 Jan 24 2007
Times Read: 800
Dec 30th...i ask my husband simply if we are okay? Two hours later, the fight ended with him telling me to "get the fuck out." After being told the trouble in the marriage is mine...the fact that my disablity check is gone...is my fault....the fact that we are broke...is my fault....the fact that this is HIS house...to get the Fuck out. I have to remember to stop asking that question...
I didn't answer him...but the next couple days, he acted as if he had won the arguement and I was properly put in my place. He was sweet, caring and all I could only remember the hatred from that night. I could only remember the other fights we had. Each ending with him telling me to leave and me trying to save my marriage, apologizing for my feelings and stuffing them back down. Each ending with him doing as I had asked him, but only for about a week. Each time, giving me hope that things would change...but then it going back to normal.
I thought of this hard....I barely talked to even my best of friends about it and told my husband Jan 2nd...that fine, I would leave. That I couldn't stay where i had to ask to be loved, to be hugged. That i couldn't stay where I was so isolated and the way fights were won was with blackmail.
He accepted like it was nothing, being very nice to give me whatever I wish. He agrees we are better friends than lovers. But it still hurts. Its still depressing. To have it end so dispassionately.
Second marriage. My friend says that i picked losers. What if i'm the loser? What if i'm not wife material? What if i'm not lovable because i want too much? Let me explain what I want.
I want someone that will give me a hug a day, a snuggle, hold my hand and have constant contact with me, to show he loves and desires me.
I want someone that is interested in my thoughts, feelings, fears, no matter how weird and unlikely they are. Someone that wants to know my inner workings and once they know them....they aren't scared of me.
I want someone that will support me emotionally, as I try to figure myself out in this life. I want someone to support me physically, as I try to stay healthy with this damn disease. I want someone who will be there for me, in my roughest times...and someone that will be there for me, to celebrate even the most minor of things.
I want that knight in shining armor, someone that will love me unconditionally and defend me because of it. Somone that will be my greatest warrior but gentle and loving. (yeah i know ...its the romantic side of me but its what i want)
Now what I can offer....
A partner, lover and friend. Someone to vent to about frustrations at work, to make you laugh when you are down and to be there during your most darkest of times in your life.
Yes I do cook and clean but I do it out of love....the minute you make me feel like a slave, we are done. I do little things out of love...cooking your favorite dinner, making your favorite drink, picking up something at the store that might make you smile..
I am supportive, protective and willing to please. I like sex and would never deny you...
This is what i have offered my last two husbands....and they took advantage of me. I let them unfortunately.
So...do I ask for too much??
I SEE YOU00:06 Jan 20 2007
Times Read: 818
I see you sneak in and check out my profile...my portfolio and journal...2 days this week now, not saying anything, rerating or leaving a comment. Finding anything interesting? You rejoicing in my heartache? Oh and do you have permission from your Master to keep an eye on both of us?
Well come in and read...i don't have anything to hide...I might just throw in some juicy stuff just for you.
The Realization hits....then the depression.05:23 Jan 14 2007
Times Read: 839
I’m sitting here alone, after a full day of packing and realized some things.
I’m 35 and I have to start over. I have nothing to call my own. I have hand me downs from my mom. Her furniture, her plates her stuff. I’m sitting here packing to leave my home after 6 years…and its all her stuff.
I can’t even leave the marriage, because my funds are limited. My family can’t take me and the dogs in….*sighs*
I don’t have a piece of property to call my own. Hell even my car is in my dad’s name still. I have to hope that I can find someplace for me and my dogs to go too.
I realize now that I probably will be too old to have a child, if I ever find someone to love me for me…me and my medical problems. I will be too old to consider having a child….and my heart is breaking over this fact. God I wanted children.
I think I would have been a good mother…
Will I ever love again? Am I lovable? Did I pick losers? Did I do all that I could in my marriages? Am I a failure? Or did they fail me? Is it too much to want someone to hug me, hold my hand or make love to me, without being asked? To do it just because they want too, not because they HAVE too? Is it too much to want
Someone to ask me about my feelings…my fears…my thoughts….
35 and starting over again….*sighs with tears running down her face* I don't know if i can do it
Not sure what to think.16:24 Jan 03 2007
Times Read: 874
Not sure what to think. Figured you tell someone that you are leaving them, I was prepared for it to be a really stressful time, with still living with him. With the hard feelings. But we are back to talking, talking like friends. I'm not complaining but I just didn't expect it.
A Poem for me16:14 Jan 03 2007
Times Read: 878
A friend read my journal and wrote this in response to it. Thank you EE.
Chordewa : Friendship Everlasting : Enjoy
00:55:55 - Jan 03 2007
Times Read: 2
Through fire and brimestone,
walking hand in hand
just in the deeds and tides since mortality
began,
feel not lost in the deserts of time,
for love and friendship never die.
Do not walk with your head hung low,
always know that there is one who watches over all,
even though he might not always be there,
he is always in contact if the need be there.
For in turbulent times abound,
do not dishonor the beauty of your face,
with the past times that may have come your way.
For there is no need to shed a tear because you have those who truly care.
For you chordewa from Eternal Enigma:)
Great New Year-------NOT!!!!17:07 Jan 02 2007
Times Read: 892
Well the New Year is here ……and not sure if it is starting off good or bad.
I have been having trouble with my marriage and after a huge fight on the 30th, I decided it was over. It took a couple days to come to the decision…and it was a hard decision to make.
Knowing that I needed some time, I left my house on VR and a lot of friends.
I also postponed the coven that I intended to make. Mikhail thank you for your hard work on the crest, it will be used my friend. Just it will have to be later when I can dedicate time to the coven and being online.
One bright spot is my best friend, Vlkodlak. For New Years he had the chance of a real live date with someone but he chose to spend it online with me. We popped in a movie that we both had, called on the phone and for the next 4 hours, we said Happy New Years to each other (he’s on west coast I’m on east), we laughed and for a night, I didn’t think of my crumbling marriage, the decision I had to make and the man I had to hurt. Thank you my friend, for making my New Years Eve not seem so dismal and for giving me hope for the New Year.
Jan 2nd – I told my husband I’m leaving him.
Great way to start my New Year huh?
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COMMENTS
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shadowofmystry
00:37 May 14 2008
wow what happened?