Women....21:23 Mar 26 2010
Times Read: 532
She doesn't care. Why should she? Why should I care? Can anyone answer me this? Because I owe her my life? Because she took me in when I asked for her too? She expected complete obedience and vulnerablity from me, complete dependancy. And yet she says she raised me to be a strong individual. Bullshit. And now she says i'm not successful, because, why? Because instead of living on my own in the state i lived in for years, i live in a different state with people?
My brother is more successful than i? why? He has two jobs, and is going to college, but he lives with his great aunt and grandmother. I am working on getting a job, to help pay rent at the very least, I plan on going to college (despite my lack of self esteem and confidence that i can do this), and such.
Why should she expect me to live on my own and be called successful when she got knocked up at age 15 and had her family take care of her first, and then her husband?? She never lived alone, she always had a husband to help her. So why in the seven hells does she expect ME to do this all by myself? Because i'm a younger generation? because i'm not really her blood? Or because i'm the begotten daughter of a whore? Because I "ran away" from her house? technically, it's not running away, i was 18 at the time, so therefore it's "moving out".
Or is it because i dont depend on her and she's pissed i dont, and the only way i could be "successful" is if i lived on my own, with a job and a place, with college, only dependant on her? is this what it means to be an independant individual? Hell no. perhaps in her warped mind maybe.
so why does this matter? I left for many reasons. I left, one of the reasons, to prove i could do what i have done, only to have her be in denial in my success. Fucking Shit. It's like when i tried to prove to her i was a good daughter, worth keeping around, got good grades, was a good person. All of those failed miserably. Hell, after all of this "convincing" i believe i unconvinced myself in all of this. My self esteem was downhill since a little kid.
According to other people i am doing fine for myself, for my age.
Perhaps, she's doing what is usual and trying to hurt me from afar. Well she only managed to piss me off, so perhaps i am gaining some small control of my emotions now. At least i am no longer her puppet. Not her's, not terri's, not Matt's, not my father's, not my mother's, not anyone's puppet. I have learned to think for myself, in which my robobat self hasn't.
No, my robobat did not think. did not feel, was merely a tool to be used. Perhaps then, i was a submissive, but not a true one, for that submission did not come from the heart? The only person i submitted too with my heart... was Matt and Rai. In my past. But was it with my heart or was it a continuation of the rest of my past?
no, submission is in my heart, but so is my desire for my own success from my own hands, my desire to beat people at their own game, my desire to... to what, exactly?
Am i still their puppet by trying to prove to them i can do this? or is this an act of rebellion? are they making me do this? or am i giving them too much credit as i usually do? Yay for more analyzation.
Well, i choose to whom i submit too, now, and i choose with my heart to submit to my Mistress and Master. That's just all there is too it. Even my love for Matt is weaker than my desire to make them happy, i have found. Is it still there? oh, yes, like an ever-persistant flame from the trick candle. It will eventually be blown out however, as my flame for Mistress and Master grows into a strong bonfire. I say this proudly, matter-of-factly, strongly, lovingly, confidently, and yes, even a bit arrogantly.
In this, i have dubbed myself successful. I have come far to get here, whether no one realizes this but i, or they do.
This woman does not have a hold on me.
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