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I wish I had the ability of Eric Draven. I would walk right up to her. Grab her by the sides of her head and say..."I have something to give you. I don't want it anymore. Five years of pain all at once, all for you."

Ok. He hurt you. He betrayed you. He lied, cheated, etc, etc, etc.

He wasn’t good for you.

So now you’re going through all these negative emotions.

Well that’s call being human. It will pass with time.

But what is this about you wish you were dead, you can’t go on?

You gave him everything even your very soul?

Ummm…there are over 6 billion humans in the world.

Yes, some are even men.

So you came across 1, 2, 3 or more bad ones.

It’s YOU who is choosing to give him or them enough power over your life

To want to end it all just because they didn’t deserve you in the first place and destiny proved that...so that is just crazy talk.

Allow yourself to go through the grieving process, but then heal your soul.

The right one for you is still out there searching for you. Never ever give up on him.

He may not ever give up on you. Oh yeah…all this talk about fear of loving again and

Never being able to trust again….Really? Because of one or more imperfect humans YOU chose to allow into your life?

Don’t do that to yourself or the one who is right for you. Forgive yourself and take the power back from your past bad choice(s). Leave the baggage in the past. I’ve yet to hear proven that someone died of a broken heart. If anything, the wonder is how does it keep beating when it hurt so much?

Just keep telling yourself…….This too shall pass.

Yes you are beautiful, hot, sexy, attractive, but there must be something more

One illness, one accident, one bad day can take all your beauty away

It is what remains behind that I want to say is the reason I chose to love you

I could tell you ever day how beautiful you are;

but so many other men can tell you the same thing;

I could tell you how smart you are;

but so many other men can tell you the same thing;

I could tell you what great taste you have;

but so many other men can tell you the same thing;

I could tell you how much I want and need you in my life;

but so many other men can tell you the same thing;

I could tell you that you would make a good mother and wife;

but so many other men can tell you the same thing;

You’ve heard it all before, nothing is truly new

It’s your life to live and your choice to make

We can all tell you the same thing

But only you can CHOOSE who to listen to

I don’t recall volunteering for my soul to be thrust into then trapped in this meat suit. Now I know feelings thanks to those five things called senses. Did I ask to know how it would feel to see, touch, smell, taste, and hear? I don’t think so. But feel I do thanks to this 24/7 receiver called flesh. What a walking open wound it is. I am forever taking in signals. I’m amazed I have not yet succumbed to sensory overload. Why couldn’t the power(s) that be leave well enough alone? What is this some type of test? Some type of cosmic game of win or lose? I would have rather soared the cosmos being everything yet nothing at all.

So tell me why after going to see the movie Contagion on the 18th I go home and around 230 am on the 19th realize that I had caught some kind of stomach virus? My stomach was emptying itself both ways. Ugghh!

So my plan to retire at a not too old of an age without being rich is working out. However, I purchased a home when I was married in a middle class/upper middle class area in which 95% or more who own their own homes are couples with kids. I divorced and now live alone in the same area with no singles around to date. Those that I meet online and would date are either outside the country or in another state. Can't find anyone within a 50 miles radius I would be interested in (yet). Those I've met can't afford or won't fly in to visit and I can't afford to fully pay for them to visit since retirement pay is much less than I use to earn, but it does covers my living expenses. And I don't do roommates so that's a no go for bringing in extra money. So hopefully the status quo will change in the future as people continue to relocate.

I was 8 or 9 years old serving my 2nd year in 3rd grade. The reason I was held back was due to the previous school year being forced to go to church which began at 7 pm and let out anytime between 11pm and midnight. So as a little kid in the 3rd grade the previous year, I was being dragged out of bed and forced to go to school with as little as 4 or 5 hours of sleep each night. Church was held 5 sometimes 6 nights per week and twice on Sunday. My mother never missed a night for reasons I shall not go into to. So I made up my lost sleep in class. I slept alot in class that year. I don’t go to church anymore and haven’t for a long time. So while in the 3rd grade one of the prettiest girls in class decided to befriend me. I was very skinny and shy back then and was happy to have a friend to talk to. One day while my classroom was the gathering spot for 2 other classes to come in and watch some dumb t.v. program, my friend who was sitting directly in the small desk in front of me wrote, “I Love Cars” on a piece of paper and secretly passed it to me. I smiled and wrote, “I Love Trucks” on it and passed it back. She smiled and wrote something and passed it to me. It read, “I Love Blue”. I wrote, “I Love Red” and passed it back to her. She wrote something else and passed it to me, but as I took it one of the teachers decided to stop the note passing by telling me to bring it to her. I got really scared having never been in trouble in school before. Not really knowing what was on the note and feeling fear, I punked-out and said to the teacher, “but I didn’t write it”. She said, “I know, but I want you to bring it to me”. I took the note to her. She then called the little girl to her. Loud enough for everyone to hear and while hugging the little girl she told her, “You should love your mom and dad, not some nappy head little boy”. Really teacher? WTF! So anyway the little girl returned to her seat and I just knew she was probably pissed at me. She turned around and just smiled at me. I smiled back. Some time later, I don’t remember how long, the little girl came to class and for some reason showed me the dollar bill she had. Another little girl who was a trouble maker and had a brother in the 5th grade who was a tough bully asked the little girl to allow her to hold it. I warned the little girl not to do it. That she wouldn't give it back, but the little trouble maker convinced her to give the $1 to her. So she did. After she handed the $1 over, the little trouble maker said, “Thanks!” The bell ranged and she put it in her little purse and walked out of class since walkers were made to leave first while bus riders remained behind until their bus arrived. I too was a walker. My friend was very upset, but didn't tell the teacher. The next day my friend wasn’t in class in front of me. After a few minutes though, she and her Dad walked into the classroom. The Dad confronted the teacher. The little trouble maker looked at me and whispered that if I told on her she would have her brother beat me up after school. My fear level shot through the roof. My friend was crying and pointed the little girl out who had stolen her $1. The teacher asked her if this was in fact true and of course the trouble maker lied and said it wasn’t. My friend said it was in fact true and looked directly at me and said, “She did take my money didn’t she”. My eyes grew large; my mouth opened and seemed to remain that way for a long period of time as I looked between my friend and the other girl who promised a world of hurt by her big brother the school bully. As the first sound finally escaped my throat, the teacher cut me off and said that it was none of my business and that this was between the two girls and that my friend should have spoken up the day prior when it happened. The Dad had a few choice words for the teacher and left with his daughter. I’ll never forget the look of being let down that my friend gave me as she left. I looked back at the trouble maker and all she could do is smirk with this “I got away with it” look of contentment on her face. I never saw my friend again. From that day forward, I was never afraid of a bully again and I never let a friend down.

The stars are beautiful tonight. In her manic state she spoke a mile a minute the entire time smiling and laughing. It took all I could just to keep up as she went from one topic to the next. She had a plan to be the best chef in the world. She was sure she was going to win the lotto tomorrow. She was wearing the smallest bikini I’ve ever seen. I was in swim shorts. The night was warm. There was no moon, only stars. Darkness surrounded the pool area which was good since the neighbors had somewhat of a view into my backyard if they really tried to look. It was after 11 pm and both neighbors’ lights were off. But she didn’t care anyway if they did see her. Without testing the water she dove in. When she came up she threw her bikini out of the pool onto the lounge chair. I quickly stripped and dove in myself. Even in the little light given off by the stars she was stunningly beautiful. Her long hair pulled over her shoulders and lay between her breasts as she stood in the shallow end of the pool to give me a better view of her. I moved towards her and we embraced. We made love in the pool for what seemed like an hour. Even making a game out of it by seeing how long we could make love underneath the water in the deepest end of the pool while holding our breath. We got out, dried off and took a warm shower together. We made love once more before drifting off to sleep. As the months passed her mood cycles increased. Things got really bad. I got stationed overseas for 2 years. She didn’t bother to visit. She was sad all the time when we spoke over the phone. She was sad the entire time during my visit home to see her. When I returned home for good, she was gone. The night is warm tonight. I strip off my shorts and dive in without testing the water. There is no moon; only stars. The neighbors’ lights are off. I do a few laps. I lay as long as I can; holding my breath at the bottom of the deepest part of the pool. When I come up for air I half expect to see her sitting on the lounge chair smiling. But she’s never there. The night is warm tonight, but the water keeps me cool. The stars are beautiful.

The reasons why relationships end is because....wait for it......the focus is taken off of one’s partner and turned inward instead.



Could be any number of reasons why this happens, but someone does it first! All it takes is for someone to do it first and the other person will at some point give up and do the same as well. Then it becomes a waiting game to see who gives in first.



Between the couple, it becomes about what I want, what will make me happy, what will benefit me...not the other partner or what’s best for the relationship, but oneself.



It's call being selfish. Someone becomes SELFISH! Period!



If one partner is always trying to create an environment of love, joy, trust & peace for the other partner placing his/her needs & wants first and neither one gets tired and take a break to turn inward and become selfish...relationships would be a whole lot better off.



Now being only human, someone will take a break and just go into Receive Mode only. This may happen for any number of reasons. But if one person stays in Receive Mode only for too long, the other person will stop Giving because they have been starved for too long and they will go into Self-Preservation Mode.



The relationship must remain constantly in a Give/Receive mode. And not only what one feels will help the other person to be happy, but rather what their partner says will help them to be happy. If their partner says they want/need A, B & C, but are given D, E, & F, something is broken and they will feel shorted and they will find a way to give themselves A, B & C. At this point, it may be too late to try to get back into Give Mode because then, no matter how much you Give….it won’t really matter! It may be too late.



Just my opinion.



So which mode are YOU in?

A female that is as follows:



18 or older

Clingy (To Me Only)

Needy (i.e., Attention & Love)

Low Maintenance

Jealous

High Libido

Faithful

Sexy

Sexual

Perverted & Freaky

Honest

Loves To Banter

A Little Sarcastic

Don't Take Things Too Serious

Silly

Love To Swim In The Nude

Loves To Cuddle

Doesn't Mind PDA (Giving & Receiving)

Loves Horror Movies

A Bit Goth

Willing To Relocate To SoCal If Not Already Here

Don't Mind Snoring

Comfortable Walking Around The House In The Nude or Wearing Little To Nothing

Willing To Make Me Priority #1

I've known love, I've known betrayal, I've won, I've lost, I've traveled to many places, I've been in groups, I've been alone, but never lonely, I've been hot, I've been cold, I've been poor, I've had some dollars, I've watched my family grow older via pictures and some I've never gotten to know, I've been in good health, I'm now living with health challenges due to inhaling toxic fumes or chemicals in the sand while in Iraq, I've had a career, I'm now retired......time for ice cream! :)