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Until I come forth and tell the truth every single word in my Book of Shadows, is a lie.



I have no right to claim Wicca as my path in life, when I can not abide by the very simplest parts of the rede...



Until I come forth and be honest with my partner about what is truly happening to me, every time I tell him that I am fine, i am lying. Betraying him.

Every word that has come out of my mouth for the past 9 days has been false.



I am not OKAY

I am not JUST TIRED



I am sick and I am tired because of that sickness.

Everytime I try to tell him my lungs run out of air

I am ashamed that I havent told him

I know I said that I was going to wait until I knew all of what was going on, but is that for him...or for me?



I can't continue to bare the burden alone.

I would be devistated if this were happening to him and he kept it from me...



I need to spend more time meditating on this, the answer will come to me...

I know what I have to say, I just dont know where to start....



Forgiveness is core in my beliefs.

Truthfullness is as well.



All the hiding of the truth that I have done these past 9 days, its coming back to me THREE FOLD



I need to make this right.

I am going to make this right.

So I had the pelvic ultrasound this morning....

It amazes me how invasive and almost DEGRADING some of these test can be.

The techinician who performed the exam

needs to go back to school and learn some etiquette.

During the ultrasound she is moving the apparatice between my legs...HOW HORRIBLE..

I am laying there trying to retain what little pride I have left, and not cry.

She is totally quiet and then goes... "Oh my god!"

I ask her what is wrong....

"Oh..ummmm....nothing .....I ummmmm, Im sorry hun" she says nervously.

Doesn't she realize that I am laying there , petrified of the results of this exam to start with, and her outburst only compounds my fears?

She then excuses herself explaining that she needs to have the senior tech come in because she , as she put it, "is having a difficult time measuring....uhhh..measuring ...SOMEthing."

What does THAT mean?

"SOMEthing"

Moron!!!!!

The other woman comes in an very crudely jams the ultrsound tool in and out of me, making me feel like a piece of meat.

The 2 techs are now whispering amongst themselves, like I'm no tlaying 3 inches from them.

The senior tech asks the other if she took the measurements of "the largest one"

THE LARGEST ONE .....OF WHAT?????????

I ask if there is something wrong and they tell me not to get too worried my Primary care doctor will explain the results to me.

I dont know, maybe I am just being a little oversensitive. The past week has been very hard. I just think that it isnt right to make comments like that while you are doing an ultrasound. Especially when the ultra sound is for a patient recently diagnosed with cancer.

I find the utter disreguard for commom curtously that is demonstrated by some members of the medical proffesion to be mind blowing.

Obviously, if someone is having an ultrsound for anything other than pregnancy, it is being performed because there is something wrong. Am I out of line?

Tests are nerve racking enough, especially when you have 2 woman jabbing you in your most intimate of places with a very awkwardly shaped apparatice covered with a trojan condom!

I wonder if my doc will call me before my appoint ment next wednesday with results....

the waiting is killing me. Really it is.

I havent slept for more than an hour or two for days and days it seems.

I wish this were just a bad dream.

I am glad that I have this journal, though. I really feel like its the perfect release for me right now, especially when no one knows what is going on with me right now. I cant physically TALK to anyone about how afraid I am. My moms in Florida on vacation, and I cant tell here and dad because I would feel horrible for ruining their vacation. I havent told MOe, because I dont want to get him worried, especially when I dont know exactly how far the cancer has progressed.... Im afraid to talk about it, but all i want to do is talk to someone. Does that make any sense?? WOW i am a friggin head case, eh? I want to talk about it, but I dont.

I just want to bury myself in a hug and cry for a few hours.

Thats not too much to ask for is it?

Then I worry that when I do tell Moe he is going to be angry at me for not telling him sooner. I guess I have to stop worrying about that though, I have enough going on with out getting all concerned for his feelings right now.

Im scared....

feels good to get that out.

I see so many on VR that speak of not being afraid to die. I wish I could feel that way again.

I dont want to die this long painful death.

God, Krysta, no one said you're goinna die.

See what I do to myself.

Unbelievable.

Im gonna go hug Tristan, my 4 yr old.

His hugs are like a drug to me.

Like the best Valium on the Earth.

Blessed be...........

So it's had a few days to settle in...

Its rather odd how things come in life,

I have just entered this phase of

thinking of my death

questioning my mortality..

I look into the forums..

I am a bit excited because TODAY

I became a mosquito and I am

allowed to post relies on forums,

for the first time

I open the "forum" link

And the very first topic is DEATH....



What is death?



Sort of gave me those timy shivers

the ones that creep up your spine,

stand the hairs up on the back of your neck

you know the ones...

I devoured all the posts

like a wild beast...

Some long for death

Some feel as if they are dead now

Some fear it



Then there were those that sort of

looked down on those who "fear death"

It seemed sort of odd to me, because...

after reading the posts of those who thought

people who feared death were silly, or uninforemed, rediculous, or dare i say this............... HUMAN- I read their profiles.

And not all, but most of them, had something on their page stating that they strongly value the

rights of others. They believe in freedom of

thought

speech

religion

whatever......



How is it that you can judge one, look down on them for being open and honest about

a fear...

Yet state that you accept all things

all beings, and their choices

to live and think and feel

how ever they choose to?



Anyways, I AM a bit over sensitive at this time

I admited, on the forum, that

i had not previously feared death

I thought it a welcome release

i embraced it, as the beginning of

a new chapter in my entity

my souls contiuance down its chosen path



BUT



I am not feeling that way right now

Im feeling afraid-faced with the demise of my

human shell-

afraid I will not be able to awake to

my Tristans beautiful face each Morn

Afraid that I wont feel Moes

sweet breath upon my neck

Afraid that I hadnt become everything

that I am meant for



Does anyone understand what I am

saying,

do I sound foolish?

Is it possible to spend 34 years

embracing a concept

then in the matter of the length of

a few short sentences

completely loose that reality

and change sides

to one day love something

and the next find it digusting



my heart sinks as I write this

feeling like a hardened stone

beneath my chest



a coldness has encompassed me

i feel its withering fingers scraping up along my

back

inching closer

closer

closer

to my crown

lurking there, waiting for me to let down my guard

I wont give in that easy, dear dark friend

I have many things left to do

grant me this

Got some bad news this morning....

been feeling it for a while....

hearing the words makes it so... so REAL



Cancer



Cancer



I have more testing to bear yet

there is no "death sentence" here

My heart hes been in my throat ever since



I dont think anyone reads my journal here, thats why it is easy for me to write this out.

I just wanted talk to someone,,,,

ANYONE



I felt it coming

I knew

I am afraid

I never say that.. I dont like to show fear.

But I am afraid.



excuse this but FUCK FUCK FUCK



Im going to wait until the rest of my results come in before I tell anyone.



So i know exactly what the method of treatment will entail



Right now I sit here.... 12:55

alone, afraid



How can I get through this weekend without showing my pain inside

I dont want them to sense my fears



Just gotta put on the strong face and pretend

Im good at pretending



AM I gonna die? Of course, everyone does, Krysta

But am I gonna die soon?

You could die tomorow.....

you could get hit by a bus ten minutes from now

dont fear death

I never have feared it before

but I think thats because I never thought of myself as "dying"



ITS NOT A DEATH SENTENCE

gotta keep telling myself that

dont even know how far it is



God Im feeling so alone right now......

But feeling better now that I have written it out a bit

I dont know.....

Maybe they're wrong?

I dont mind the pain, really....

i shouldnt have waited so long to go in and get checked out

its my fault......



gonna go have a good cry now





blessed be......