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constantly i change usually from pain and sorrow and regret. but sometimes i change because of that rare happy moment that's disguised as a sad one. or a purely happy moment. its hard to find the good moments that are just as memorable as the bad ones without pain, but occasionally i do. and they are the best parts of my life, i mourn that there are so little of them. but i am happy for the people, a very small handful of people. that help make those moments with me.

you know its bad, when your stuck listening to barry manilow.

COMMENTS

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CEJ
23:07 Aug 13 2013

lol

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Oceanne
23:22 Aug 13 2013

O.0 whats worse? When you find yourself singing along..lol OUCH

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i was wrong, nothing can help you when you are in hell. i had forgotten my pain, i was being a hypocrite. so if i could be sorry, if i could feel anything, i would.

Just as in the beginning there is nothing. i truly have nothing. i am numb, i don't feel. i relearn why people cut, as the blood flows down dripping to the ground, i feel something. i feel pain, and that is better than nothing at all. i do not love, cannot be loved. never will. The pain will only last so long.

What then? what do i do if i feel nothing, when my chest is hollow and i don't care about anything?

nothing. i feel only an empty void. nothing can live there, nothing ever will. time and time again, i let myself believe that love is real. it is not, nor is happiness. they are false emotions, they mean nothing. pain is eternal, pain is real, pain is always there. emotional pain can only be dealt with physical pains help. sympathy is nothing, but a reason to make people feel better about themselves. people are dumb, they continue to trick themselves into thinking that anything but pain exists. i feel nothing, i feel not even pain. i am have nothing, i am nothing, because there is nothing.

people make life hard, but only if you let them. you have the choice to let them or not. granted, it is extremely hard to not let them. at first. the more you do it the easier it gets. eventually you can even help them see what their doing wrong, without angering or offending them. just try to see the good things in life, even something as a thank you for holding the door open, helps. look for anything no matter how small that makes you happy. then life gets better.

I say moonlight because it feels good, its there but not enough to make me uncomfortable like sunlight. And looking up at the moon is one of the best feelings i have ever felt, its the equivalent of sunshine for the majority of people. whenever i feel really bad, i always walk outside and wander the night. it clears my head and makes everything better. plus i find i easier to see at night, the light isn't forced into my eyes. it always makes my life feel all over, better. especially when i in hell, trying to figure out my life and how to make it not suck so bad.