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I've taken to a sort of approach to this where I only write if I'm inspired, or need to get something out of my head. The latter rarely works, but I feel its my only option at this point, elsewise I may explode. Figuratively and literally. I've been known to be highly flammable.



How does one cope when they have such a blow to their psyche? Like, you don't expect anything, and it comes at you out of nowhere. Sure, you suspected something, somewhere, may be amiss. Maybe you even dreamed of the exact thing that happened, minus a few details. I knew, and yet I didn't. Its a funny thing.



So when it hits you, it messes with you a little. Its very subtle at first. You want to be mad. The stories all say you will be. The shouting, the anger. The pain and things said that you don't mean. I'm sure it happens for some people that way. But you don't find yourself mad in any sense of the word. You're hurt, certainly. Its to be expected. But you're so far from mad just because of the sheer honesty. The trust that everything will be alright.



And it will. Its just going to mess with your head, probably because there is nothing else in there right now. Slow days do that. They make you ponder on things you wish you could put in the back of your head and ignore. Forget.



I was never good at that. Heh, at times its been one of my greatest downfalls.



You don't point blame anywhere. There is nothing to blame. None of these unwritten rules were -actually- broken. And yet you want to destroy something. You want to break someone so hard that they never recover. You want to see him fall so far for something he had no idea about. You want him ruined not because of what he did. You want him ruined for the pure, untainted, raw fury that he stepped beyond the barriers you tried to throw up to protect something.



You hate him because he could.



So you try to sleep. As if thats going to happen. Your brain isn't going to let you do that, Brendan. You knew it wouldn't. And you were fine before you started thinking. Always thinking. A blessing and a curse.



The universe works in mysterious ways. Somehow, it protected you. It could have been so much worse, and you are so, so thankful that it happened how it did.



But does that make you a bad person? That you are glad that it happened, despite the consequences? Am I a monster for the things I willed? Is that why this happened to me? Is it something I did in a past life, or something that I did in this one? Does karma truly exist after all?



No. It was just a mistake. And mistakes happen. You rarely expect them to happen, of course. Even though you should, you never do.



But it changes nothing. Though I sit here, man enough to admit I've shed a stray tear or two (But not any more than that, I swear!), I'm so, -so- overjoyed that something can actually matter so much to me to cut so deep.



Its a wound that heals fast. Wolverine fast. And its a wound I'm more than willing to put behind me. I just need support now like I never have. I never, -ever- wanted to ask that.



I never wanted to ask your support, though I know its offered. I just need you to carry me through this, and I shall do the same for you. Together, nothing can stop us.



I sound like a madman, rambling such. I likely appear to have lost my mind. I promise I haven't. Genius and insanity often go hand in hand. You know that by now.



Its amusing. Writing does help clear my head. And you do so much more.



"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another." - Thomas Merton