i said to someone in an email .....
that its heavy again tonight ...
that i feel pressed on and like the weight of everything is going to make me EXPLODE
i told her that i fel like gravity was working against my soul ...
and then
this song came on the radio .... just as i typed the fucking word gravity ...
GRAVITY
John Mayer ....
Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away
Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh twice as much aint twice as good
And can't sustain like one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees
(repeat)
Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
And gravity has taken better men than me (Now how can that be?)
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Come on, keep me where the light is
Come on, keep me where the light is
Away from all the dark
Keep me where the light is
Keep me where, keep me where the light is
so far i like the updates to my profile ...
i was told earlier that it was still very ME
well
yeah
sheesh
lol
i am still me
i cant change that
but i can move things around on the profile some and pretend its different lol
i cant even PRETEND when it comes to myself anymore..
god damnit
been diggin in my OLD photobucket today
never shoulda done it
i may NEVER stop crying now ....
so many images made for you there ...
and the protection stamp you drew FOR ME
i wonder if you have given it to her yet ...
loose and low
beefalo
montkies
getting slapped AROUND by loose and low
and CM won :D
"MAYA ANGELOU'S"
BEST POEM EVER
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like i t...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year..
Been a while since I watched Queen Of The Damned.
My favorite scene JUST went off.... near the beginning of the movie where Lestat is toying with the two groupies and about to feed on them.. and he climbs up the wall ... lol .. sorry . thats just very sexy to me lol
*sigh*
my visit to kellys got extended . i am still here.. but i HAVE to go home today ...
i dread it ...
i have SO ENJOYED being here with Kelly....
having her and Pryssa to talk to .. even when we ARENT talking lol just knowing they are here ..
having movies to watch
i ahte having to go home. i find myself wishing darrell would have car trouble lmfao and not be able to come home for another night or two
:(
i dont wanna go back to my lonely little house and my lonely old life
it sucks
i go to run my tub of hot water
and what happens?
nothin
nadda
zip
zilch
ZERO water comes out the faucet
why
because my life sucks
and my water pipes have busted
now wtf?
my water i turned off
but WHO IS GONNA FIX THAT for me huh?
no fucking body
i just wanted to take a nice hot bath
when will i learn
the past couple days. when i WAKE UP .. its not too bad
but as the day wears on, it festers and grows and gets worse and b this time in the evening... its bad
i spent a good bit of time OFF VR today ..
imaging
working on a writing project
getting some things in order here, just in case
i think im gonna go soak in a nice hot tub for a while
wish i thought it would make me feel better
its not getting any better
the "magnet" is still calling me lol
as TheNeil would say ..
"Theres a trip to town to be taken tomorrow, I'm rather looking forward to it"
lol *hugs*
im also a little worried though
its getting harder and harder not to cry in front of people. Last night when JonChase was here, I felt it boiling up, and i basically TOLD HIM to hurry up and go on back to bonnie's. i used the excuse that i knew he felt bad and he needed to get in from the cold, in truth. i couldn't hold it in any longer. before he got the door shut good behind him, i lost the little bit of control i had been hollding on to.
what if i start tomorrow while i am with holly?
or in the middle of walmart?
no
i dont WANT to hurt i just DO
fuck
and the magnet calls my name
whispering sweet words of sleep and painlesness
never ending
coaxing and prodding and promising
and oh so sweet
i hear you
i hear you
yes i want it
but im
scared
scared
scared i would fuck even that up
i had said to him .. that i was having a bad night...
he had said to me.. that sometimes bad nights lead to good days...
i sent back an answer... and he asked me "is that poetry yours?"
i thought he meant whats on my profile and i explained one is mine and one was written by someone else FOR ME...
i was wrong... he had been referring to something i had said in my message before....
--------------------------------------------------
On 00:27:12 Jan 20 2008 (-6 GMT) ********** wrote:
I was referring to your message where you stated:
AND...
maybe tomorrow will be a better day....
i HAVE learned not to get my hopes up ..
just ends with me hurt again ...
im
kinda tired of that....
your poignant comments give me pause....
The lines are poetry
-----------------------------------------------------------
may be not lyrical lol
but it is a lesson i am constantly being taught...
DONT GET YOUR HOPES UP
DONT DREAM
DONT WISH
DONT LOVE for GODS SAKE dont love
it only ends with me hurt again
and i AM so very
tired of that
so
as i get ready to sleep....
i am reminded of an image of mine
reading journals or at least the first few lines of them lol.. usually gives me a little something to take my mind off other things
tonight i found one that i couldnt resist going all the way into ...
a lovely woman it seems ... off on a special date tonight ..
i hope she writes more ...
i wish i was her lol
no
i wish ..
i was fucking dead
im tired of hurting
im tired of reading of other people with real lives and the ABILITY to HAVE one
and mostly
im tired of trying to have one myself only to be
shit on by those i care about the most
its actually kinda sad
when something so small makes you so happy
i received the promised remote mouse in the mail today
and after a few mis-starts.. its working fine now !!
and lmfao true to my teary nature ...
yes
i cried
gawd
im so tired of crying
BUT !
i have a mouse and imaging will be easy again
and THANK YOU BAROQUE ... it means alot to me
im slipping
stated earlier today than yesterday
am i EVER gonna stop crying?
i have said several times lol
that stupid shit really gets to me
heres a snippit of a conversation between my friend Julia and I .. on messenger, as she is at "work".. at a friends Harley Shop ....
she had two guys come in back to back and both were VERY flirty ..
her: damn I still ain't over the 2 guys
me: lmfao
her: I need to powder my nose or somethin
me: hhhhhhhhhhhahahahahhahaahhahaha
her: am I blushing?
me: a tad
her: whew
me: lmfao
her: it's been a day or two since I had anybody but Jimmy look at me like that
me: bitch
me: lmfao
i hate her
i added the LMFAO there at the end
lol but i really meant the "bitch"
got a good man
and got men flirting with her
lol
must be nice
bitch
i love her
but
bitch
*sigh*
i ALMOST made it to one pm central standard time
*sigh*
maybe tomorrow i will lol
im tired
ill
sleepy
alone
disappointed
discouraged
alone
screwed over
alone
depressed
and i wish i had made it all the way to one o'clock
without crying
i've just been talking with a couple friends.. one on VR in messages and another on messenger. Luckily the messenger friend isnt on VR so she wont know what i am about to write here lol
talking to her . and once again reliving so much ... telling her things and listening to things... im sitting here typing very slow to make sure i dont fuck up TOO BAD thru the tears...
its getting harder to remember the last day i went all day without crying MOST of the day....
she wants to talk family and kids and our past and all it does it make me think WHERE THE FUCK DID MY GOD DAMNED LIFE GO
and why am i still
fucking alone
the friend on vr ..
must have gotten busy ..
on messenger. now shes trying to get me interested in my family tree ..lol
truth is i could give a french fried fuck less about my ancestors at the moment. .. .....
i know how selfish that sounds....
i just wanna feel better
and talking about long dead folks aint doing it lol
since unfortunately i AINT one of them
*sigh*
i had hoped this evenings conversation with julia would bring good news....
i should have known better... it looks even worse than it did this morning ...
i have formally OFFICIALLY decided. that since i never seem to get the lil things i wish for lol ima start WISHING i wake up in the morning .. and EVENTUALLY maybe i wont
peace
no pain
no heartache
gawd
wouldnt that be nice
i hate it when things dont work out the way you want them too
unbeknownst to most. i have had something in the "works" lately.. something that i found myself looking forward to greatly
a change
a breath of fresh air
a hope or something new and different
i SHOULD HAVE FUCKING KNOWN BETTER
good things dont happen to Kami
life just SUCKS and thats something i have got to FUCKING GET USED TO
GOD DAMN i am so tired
i just wanted to get away
it would have been so perfect
time with a friend
away from the bullshit
possible WORK but even if not.. a break i sorely needed
not for kami
the more i want something the more I AINT GETTIN it.. im so fucking tired
WHY do i let myself think of better things and better days
it was just something little
its not like i am asking the universe for the impossible . beauty..wealth a REAL LIFE..
just a simple get away
i really should have known better
i hate life
i hate me
im tired
4:34 am Kami Time
the past couple of months..
and even worse the past couple of week ..
and EVEN WORSE the past couple of days ...
caught up with me yesterday ....
i woke up a lil earlier .. NOT crying
its all i have done for a couple of days .
the amount of betrayal.. the lies..
what a fool i have been ..
all caught up to me..
my eyes are still swollen ...
underneath my eyes is literally RAW ... chapped and chaffed from all the wiping.. lol i have Vaseline under my eyes now . as it literally HURTS!
i dont imagine the tears are OVER
it hurts ... and with pain comes tears...
i dunno if it will ever stop hurting....
the extent i let myself love and believe ...
i wont be doing it again I HOPE
im still not real sure i'm gonna make it thru this one
talking yesterday, with my friend julia .. the subject of people from our past that are dead .. its amazing how many people we knew "back in the day" that have died .. naturally, accidentally .. and by their own hands ... julia didnt know about Andy shooting himself (she's lived away from here for several years now) .... and as i told her about it, and how his 12 year old daughter was who found him ... i said to her ...
yanno ... thats really the only thing that has kept me from it lately ... the fear that one of my babies would find me ... ...
saying it ...
ok TYPING it
made it hit home
hard
i wake up feeing like i have been beat within inches of my fucking life. i do NOT wanna know what i LOOK like
my eyes are swollen to the point they hurt
my head .... hurts so bad
my shoulders and neck are drawn so tight the position i am sitting in to type would be rather comical if it didnt hurt so bad
and all i wanna know is ...
why me??
no no no ... thats not it ..
its .
why NOT me?
every day is a constant battle to convince my self i have a reason to live.
KK
just when you think you can NOT feel any MORE broken ...
how is it possible
for there to be ANY THING left whole.. to break ...
and why .. lol does it always seem to be ME
left in the aftermath while everyone else steps out of the rubble unscathed?
im very tired
my head is to say the very LEAST
pounding
and i?
i am afraid to lay down
to close my eyes and give myself nothing else to do but think
i WANT a reason to hope
i WANT a reason to live
i WANT so many things
and as i have said all my FUCKING MISERABLE LIFE
the more i want something
the more i DONT GET IT
maybe i should
WANT to hurt
WANT to be broken
WANT to be left
WANT to be stabbed in the back
WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE SHIT
with my luck
that would be when the universe decided to answer my prayers
FUCKED if i do
FUCKED if i dont
why keep putting myself thru it?
because i wanna know
i wanna know what it feels like
when someone
stays
sometimes ..
i really wish i was as stupid as people try to think i am lol
if i was THAT stupid ... i would be a happy woman!
no REALLY !
if i was stupid enough to believe all the lies shoved down my throat .. i would be happy .. deliriously so probably lol
sadly.. i dont play stupid well...
wait LEMME rephrase that .. actually i DO *PLAY* stupid well... you'd never know .. if i dont want you too .. that i dont believe you when you tell a lie...
but MOST TIMES... i know .. especially the big ones .
sometimes it might take me a while to catch ON .. but trust me .. i get there ...
so much shit lately ... would you believe i have thought about running away from home LMFAO ...
41 years old and talking about running away from home and that some shit?? lol
but sometimes.. the thought of getting away from it all and everyone ... totally .. is so ..tempting..
im tired
im used up
im alone
those three dont make for much of a happy place to be
and no matter how many times someone SAYS..
i care
some things speak louder than words
yanno?
i MAY VERY WELL HAVE
just taken CMs journal comment virginity :)
thats HAWT !!!
and so is she :)
lol luff yah CM :)
wow .
just
holy fucking wow
a snippet from an email i just got from airlea...
"Steve just got up and Rachel gave him a vision--yesterday he bought a lottery scratcher and won $100 and he wanted to do something special with the money and Rachel really wants us to send it to you. Please let me do this....it would mean so much to us. I don't want you to feel like you are a charity case...I just love you and want to do this, this would not strain us at ALL!!!!! PPLLLLEEEEAAASSSSEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
all my love, "
Rachel ... is Airleas spirit guide.. who Steve is able to contact....
im sure there are those of you scoffing at the moment... about the spirit guides and the visions..
fuck you
it helps airlea and thats all that matters...
and in return ....airlea extends her hand to me when i need it ..
there are some damn good people left in this world... even if they dont realize just how good they are..
airlea... has problems of her own ... airlea struggles with suicidal tendencies all day long every day .. bad ones.. MUCH WORSE than my "oh i wish i was dead" lil tendencies... for her to have me on her mind like this .. knowing i am close to losing my fone and internet .. means more to me than i could ever express in words or images or ANYTHING.....
im sitting here with tears rolling down my face...
and AS MUCH AS I HAVE CRIED lately... for once its nice to be crying .. for these are the tears of a heart touched by the soul of another....
with muh moonie.. and muh cm . and now my airlea.. i might just make it ... i have their shoulders.. i have their strength .. i have their friendship .. and i have them to thank .. for making me WANT to keep going..
i love you guys ....
and YOU .. you know who you are.. i love you too
even though i dont think you want me to
please... take the time to read this.. its long but WELL worth it !!!
======================================
YOU WORRY ME
This pilot hit the nail on the head in his open letter.
He needs to be awarded a Medal for having the TESTICULAR FORTUITUDE
to say all this in a very profound way!
The paper stated today that some Muslim doctor is saying we are profiling him
because he has been checked three times while getting on an airplane.
The following is a letter from a pilot.
This well spoken man,
who is a pilot with American Airlines,
says what is in his heart, beautifully.... Read, absorb,
and pass this on.
"YOU WORRY ME!"
By American Airlines Pilot - Captain John Maniacalco
I've been trying to say this since 9-11, but you worry me.
I wish you didn't.
I wish when I walked down the streets of this country that I love,
that your color and culture still blended with the beautiful human landscape
we enjoy in this country. But you don't blend in anymore.
I notice you, and it worries me.
I notice you because I can't help it anymore.
People from your homelands, professing to be Muslims,
have been attacking and killing my fellow citizens and
our friends for more than 20 years now.
I don't fully understand their grievances and hate,
but I know that nothing can justify the inhumanity of their attacks.
On September 11, nineteen ARAB-MUSLIMS hijacked four jetliners in my country.
They cut the throats of women in front of children
and brutally stabbed to death others.
They took control of those planes and crashed them into buildings
killing thousands of proud fathers, loving sons, wise grandparents,
elegant daughters, best friends, favorite coaches,
fearless public servants, and children's mothers.
The Palestinians Celebrated,
The Iraqis were overjoyed as was most of the Arab world.
So, I notice you now.
I don't want to be worried.
I don't want to be consumed by the same rage and
hate and prejudice that has destroyed the soul of these terrorists.
But I need your help.
As a rational American,
trying to protect my country and family in an irrational
and unsafe world,
I must know how to tell the difference between you,
and the Arab/Muslim terrorist.
How do I differentiate between the true Arab/Muslim-Americans
and the Arab/Muslim terrorists in our communities
who are attending our schools,
enjoying our parks,
and living in OUR communities under the protection of OUR constitution,
while they plot the next attack that will slaughter these same good neighbors and children?
The events of September 11th changed the answer.
It is not my responsibility to determine which of you embraces our great country,
with ALL of its religions,
with ALL of its different citizens,
with all of its faults.
It is time for every Arab/Muslim in this country to determine it for me.
I want to know,
I demand to know,
and I have a right to know,
whether or not you
love America.
Do you pledge allegiance to its flag?
Do you proudly display it in front of your house, or on your car?
Do you pray in your many daily prayers that Allah will bless this nation,
that He will protect and prosper it?
Or do you pray that Allah with destroy it in one of your Jihads?
Are you thankful for the freedom that only this nation affords?
A freedom that was paid for by the blood of hundreds of thousands of patriots who gave their lives for this country?
Are you willing to preserve this freedom by also paying the ultimatesacrifice?
Do you love America?
If this is your commitment,
then I need YOU to start letting ME know about it.
Your Muslim leaders in this nation should be flooding the media at this time
with hard facts on your faith,
and what hard actions you are taking as a community and
as a religion to protect the United States of America.
Please, no more benign overtures of regret for the death of the innocent
because I worry about who you regard as innocent.
No more benign overtures of condemnation for the unprovoked attacks
because I worry about what is unprovoked to you.
I am not interested in any more sympathy.
I am only interested in action.
What will you do for America - our great country - at this time of crisis,
at this time of war?
I want to see Arab-Muslims waving the AMERICAN flag in the streets.
I want to hear you chanting "Allah Bless America "
I want to see young Arab/Muslim men enlisting in the military.
I want to see a commitment of money, time,
and emotion to the victims of this butchering
and to this nation as a whole.
The FBI has a list of over 400 people they want to talk to
regarding the WTC attack.
Many of these people live and socialize right now in Muslim communities.
You know them.
You know where they are.
Hand them over to us, now!
But I have seen little even approaching this sort of action.
Instead I have seen an already closed and secretive community close even tighter.
You have disappeared from the streets.
You have posted armed security guards at your facilities.
You have threatened lawsuits.
You have screamed for protection from reprisals.
The very few Arab/Muslim representatives that HAVE appeared in the media
were defensive and equivocating.
They seemed more concerned with making sure that the United States
proves who was responsible before taking action.
They seemed more concerned with protecting their fellow Muslims from violence
directed towards them in the United States and abroad
than they did with supporting our country and denouncing "leaders"
like Khadafi, Hussein, Farrakhan, and Arafat.
If the true teachings of Islam proclaim tolerance and peace and love for all people,
then I want chapter and verse from the Koran and statements from popular Muslim leaders to back it up.
What good is it if the teachings in the Koran are good, and pure, and true,
when your "leaders" are teaching fanatical interpretations, terrorism, and intolerance?
It matters little how good Islam SHOULD BE
if huge numbers of the world's Muslims interpret the teachings of Mohammed incorrectly
and adhere to a degenerative form of the religion.
A form that has been demonstrated to us over and over again.
A form whose structure is built upon a foundation of violence, death, and suicide.
A form whose members are recruited from the prisons around the world.
A form whose members (some as young as five years old) are seen day after day,
week in and week out, year after a year, marching in the streets around the world,
burning effigies of our presidents, burning the American flag,
shooting weapons into the air.
A form whose members convert from a peaceful religion,
only to take up arms against the great United States of America, the country of their birth.
A form whose rules are so twisted,
that their traveling members refuse to show their faces at airport security checkpoints,
in the name of Islam.
We will NEVER allow the attacks of September 11, or any others for that matter,
to take away that which is so precious to us: Our rights under the greatest
constitution in the world.
I want to know where every Arab Muslim in this country stands
and I think it is my right and the right of every true citizen of this country to demand it.
A right paid for by the blood of thousands of my brothers and sisters who died
protecting the very constitution that is protecting you and your family.
I am pleading with you to let me know.
I want you here as my brother, my neighbor, my friend, as a fellow American.
But there can be no gray areas or ambivalence regarding your allegiance and it
is up to YOU, to show ME, where YOU stand. Until then... "YOU WORRY ME!"
==================================
so
how IS it
our conversations ALWAYS. without fail ....
turn to buttsecks???
and now we're behind RUSSIA????!?!!
and now.... YOU KNOW WHO has a MIC !!!!
yes Mistress .. may I Please Have Another??
i may never have to watch porn AGAIN !!!!!
*swoon*
as some well know ... i have been a little worried as of late.. that an ex of mine would pop up outta the blue... having alot to do with an anniversary (if you wanna call it that) and his bday ... thankfully that never happened...
but tonight . LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD ..
ANOTHER DAMN EX shows up !!!!
i mean GOOD GAWD DAMN....
......
Tim ....
when we met ... lol i thought he was gonna be IT..
he was soo sweet... he came in the store where i was working one day .. he came back seven times before i closed that night .. lol
he came back the NEXT day .. several times ... lol
the THIRD DAY . he finally got the nerve to ask me out ... we went to a cook out at a friend of his house that weekend. and had a great time . .. lotsa food.. a bon fire. dude played guitar and we all sang and acted like IDIOTS.. lmfao it was great... and when he took me home... lol he actually asked if he could kiss me goodnight
(say it with me now . awwwwwwwwww)(LMAO)
before long we were inseperable... he was with me at the store from the time i clocked in nearly til the time i closed.. my off days we were together. camping.. arrowhead hunting .. more cook outs with friends....
and his drinking got worse and worse...
when he asked me to let him move in .. (he was room-mating with another dude) ... i told him the ONLY WAY was if he stopped drinking
and he DID . for a long time.... but when he started back it was with a vengeance... and we didnt last long after that ...
the break up was BAD.... lol as in "there were cops involved" bad....
what on GODS GREEN EARTH . possessed that man to come here tonight i will never know...
and of course. i sent him away .... he stumbled back to his car and i noticed he got in the passengers side... so at LEAST he had someone driving him around. hopefully they werent as drunk as he was....
perhaps his whiskey marinated brain reminded him of what a good person i had been back then ... like with Gyp when HE showed up here a while back ..
with everything that has gone on lately . and as ALONE and LONELY as I am .... it was hard to send him away actually... but then ... he was soooo fucking drunk ... whos to say he will even remember that he came here .. when he sobers up ..
ugh
men
WHATS with ALL THESE EX's showing up on muh damn doorstep ??
too bad its ......
not the one i WISH would come back around...
comments for the journals now eh??
not too sure i like that ...
its probably going to severely constrict what i will let myself SAY in here......
maybe if the comments were PRIVATE as far as only the journal WRITER could see them .....
i dunno . maybe it wont be too bed ..
I'm awake WAY too damn early.... having gone to bed WAY too damn early lol but in my defense i DID feel bad last night, and, truth be told, I DONT feel much better this morning.. its just different this morning ....
for one lol i am NOT looking forward to a day without mt dew !!! arg !!! it will be later this afternoon before i can get to town.. holly's been busy, with school and her friends and getting ready for the production of The Vagina Monologs at UNA and Eve Enslers "ARRIVAL" lol .... i am very proud of her though .. my lil feminist lol ...
so HOPEFULLY .. JonChase will be able to come take me to town after school...
no mt dew and NOT much coffee means... i am GONNA have a killer headache soon... at least i do have smokes lmfao i'd be out hunting someone to kill if not for that ! LOL
kinda weird .. even though we didnt talk alot, i find myself missing TU today . weird huh? lmao .. when he was on and we talked it was always fun lol.. i felt so bad for him when he had to put MissChu down :( ... poor guy ... i know i would be the same way if anything happened to muh Emmy-Butt lol
hhmmmm
i had hoped to hear from Julia yesterday. I figure something went wrong.. i should have known better than to think something good might roll in for me .. to get my hopes up .. to even THINK FOR MINUTE i might catch a break. ugh ... SOMEDAY i might learn huh?
i wish i hadnt woke up
but then i wish that every morning lol
getting there
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never ever EVER has it rained this hard... the rain is blowing clear across my lil porch and hitting the metal front door SO FUCKING HARD . i thought it was hailing .... UNTIL that is . the front fucking door BLEW OPEN and drenched me sitting here at the table... both dogs yelps and hid under the couch lol.. and i gotta admit i screamed myself hahaha
theres tornado watches out . and they are saying that the possiblity of warnings is pretty damn good
this is a bad storm
i ALWAYS hate being ALONE... but being by myself in this lil house usually doesnt bother meh
tonight
i hate to admit it ... im a lil scared ..
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game , she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Andy Rooney
im imaging today :)
i have several REALLY good ideas ...
i just hope they turn out the way my minds eyes sees them lol
i mean god damn PUH-LEEEEEEZE ?!?!?!
can you GET any more childish that that shit ?? lmmfao
i just .. i cant even give that a KAMI EYE ROLL
its one thing to need your lil ego boosted ..
but to play it like THAT ??? LMFAO !!!!!!!!!!!!
opinions are like assholes hunny.. everybodys got one ... no matter how it turns out .. my opinion is ALL THAT COUNTS TO ME :)
5:03 Kami-Time
as the sun starts setting.. i feel the tension rising ..
im more than a little afraid.
i tell myself that its Friday Night .. he will have better things to do.. he wont come here again this year. Tomorrow is actually his birthday, but last year he came here on the fourth . spouting sweet words of how he wanted to be with me when it TURNED his bday at midnight, when he was born ..
he wanted to spend his bday with someone he knew gave a damn, he'd missed me, we'd always been SO GOOD together... one more night couldnt hurt, he'd bring me home whenever oo got ready, and the kicker.. he'd reached out and touched my face, and said "Baby .. please...."
he knows me so well, he knew i would melt and i did, on cue. i hadnt said a word as i turned to go back inside and get my smokes. when i came back outside he had the truck door open for me and was standing beside it .. he'd NEVER IN NINE YEARS opened a door for me lol . and i remember thinking at THAT MOMENT...."he's pulled the lovey shit before to get what he wants but never something like that.. its either gonna be really good, or really bad"..... sometimes i hate it when i am right.
the trip to his place had been relatively silent, other than him actually thanking me for coming to spend some time with him, and reminding me that he would bring me home whenever i got ready to go (THAT turned out to be lie number one of the night)
he doesnt live far from me (still doesnt). so it wasnt a long trip. he actually came around and opened the truck door for me, and told me to go on in, he had something to get out of the truck (more beer iagine that) I went in .. it looked almost exactly as it had the last time i had been there, months before... he still even had a couple of the things i had bought him, sitting around, the rose, the dreamcatcher i made still hung where i had put it, the plaque, the flag .. i remember thinking its almost like i never left.
I sat down, and lit a smoke. he came in the door saying .."I have mt dew..i was kinda hoping you would come with me so i was prepared"
ANOTHER SHOCK!!!
and when i started to get up to get me one, he stopped me, went to the kitchen and brought me one back ... AND A PINT OF RUM !!! handed to me with a smile and a wink ...
a third of the bottle later i had finally relaxed and decided to enjoy myself.. if NOTHING else i KNEW the sex was gonna be good.
He was always Dom, and one of his favorite things to do was to "direct" me.. in the middle of a conversation about of all things..horses, he suddenly said ... "Hey .. House Rules!" .. from the days when we first started seeing each other, nine years earlier .. house rules if its just me and him, no clothes...
I was buzzed, and i AM a good girl ... so i did as i was told.
and i stood in the middle of the living room.
He stood and walked over to me... smiling.. and i was already shaking ... a mixture of fear and anticipation ..
He stopped in front of me, and it was that .. mean smile this time.. i knew something bad was about to happen ..
"EYES ON MINE" he said when i had looked down to see if he had anything in his hand...
i obeyed
and he slapped my right breast SO HARD... it knocked me off balance and i nearly fell over.
WHAT THE FUCK?? I screamed and he grabbed my face with one hand and my already throbbing right breast with the other, glared into my eyes and said
"OPEN THAT MOUTH AGAIN, and i slap IT next"
i didnt open my mouth again for a while, unless i was told to or asked a question.
he would ask me questions, then tell me what answer he wanted to hear.
i had gone there willingly that night, but i had not wanted the things that were done to me.
I have a very low alcohol tolerance, he made me drink ALL that pint and i was VERY DRUNK.... unable to fight back even if i had had the will power to do so.
i was drug down the hall by my hair, on my knees, more than once. from the livingroom to the bedroom, back, and back again, just depended on where and what and HOW he wanted to .. partake shall we say....
that night... .. well.. violated doesnt even begin to cover it ... violently, repeatedly, and in ways even _I_ the subbie lil masochist, had never imagined, fantasized or even DARED THINK ABOUT... there were moments when i knew in my heart, i wasnt coming out of that bed alive. I was beaten down and bruised and broken, but he was smart, NO WHERE was there a mark that would show ...
he brought out the second bottle of rum right at midnight, as i had whispered that i wanted to go home and he had promised... i recieved the promised SLAP ... and was told he had something that would make me wanna stay.. he went to get the bottle and i decided to run . across the road to Jerrys . him and michelle would help me ...
i couldnt find my clothes .. the fucker had hidden them, knowing i wouldnt run without them ...
by 3 am ... i was unfunctionable... and that made him mad....
i begged to be taken home. reminded him again how he'd promised.. and he informed me that he knew i didnt really wanna leave until i had pleased him....
i gave all the way up.. and it seemed thats what he had been waiting for .... he had saved the worst for last... there are some things even _I_ wont write down ..
he let me sleep for an hour, at about 6 am...
i was awakened with a slap, not with his hand, across my face... i was still drunk ... both his hands wrapped in my hair and pulling ... i cried and begged as best i could... all of which feel on deaf ears...
at nine.. he tld me where my clothes were. told me to get dressed and he would take me home.
the ride home was TOTALLY silent, but he changed .. the rapist ... faded... and the sweetness eased back in . as we pulled in my driveway he reached for my hand and said IM SORRY
im sorry ??
i dont even remember all that i said to him
i know i screamed and yelled and beat the dashboard of the truck, and kicked the door whn i got out .. dents STILL there ..
i do remember him saying that . he knew he was gonna regret it someday, that i was the best woman he had ever known and he knew that he would wish he still had me in his life someday ..
FINE fucking time to tell me that shit asshole....
i told him that i never wanted to see him again .. to not bring his ass in my yard ever again until he had grown up and TRULY become a man and could give ME what I needed for once, instead of it always being the other way around ...
i remember the tears streaming down his face....
i remember for a moment ... wanting to reach out and wipe them away... then thinking of what all he had put me thru the night before ..
i slammed the truck door with a KICK ... he actually had the balls to mouth "I DO LOVE YOU TRACYE"
i spit on the windshield
and screamed FUCK YOU
and he left
i came in and showered
before i was even all the way dryed off i got BACK in the shower and scrubbed again ... the water freezing cold by the time i got out.....
i didnt even realize until i showered, that i had bled some time during all that .. there was blood on my shoulder . and i remember him hitting me with something .. but i dont remember what, his belt maybe??....
there was blood other places....
i still have a scar on my shoulder ..
its dark outside now
i hope his truck is still tore up
i hope he has someone else to play with tonight
i hope he doesnt come back
because if he does
i dont know if i would be able to send him away.....
i could trade one pain for another for a while now couldnt i ?
tomorrow is his real birthday ...
i wont really feel safe til Sunday ...
i need .......
my friend
6:02 .. Kami-Time ...
and i feel even emptier
im tired
thank you ... if your reading ... for your kind words tonight .. they were much appreciated and much needed tonight .....
maybe tomorrow... i can pick a different mask ..
maybe tomorrow.. SOME of the morbidity will be gone lol
maybe tomorrow .... flying pigs will shoot out my neighbors ass and bring me slop buckets full of 100 dollar bills :)
hey .. its not any more far fetched than the things i REALLY wish for ... in fact . its prolly more likely ...
good night ....
such as it was
and will be
TO GOTHICDADDY666 ----
well.. lmfao . if you hadn't BLOCKED me i would have GLADLY explained what i meant by saying "LUCKY KAT" in my comment to you
if i read your profile right .. your fiancee's name is KAT...
EXCUSE THE HELL outta me for thinking she is a lucky woman for having someone that cares about her, and the baby she is carrying, and wants to spend the rest of his life with her ..
jesus dude.. take a fucking chill pill and take a GOD DAMNED COMPLIMENT like a man ,......
and had you given me an opportunity... i would have changed the comment if it fucking bothered you so much ...
you ask me a question ... then BLOCK ME BEFORE i can ANSWER ?? wtf dude ????
lmfao
*walks off muttering "some fucking people sheesshh" to herself*
PS....
would someone please ... click the link and inform GOTHICDADDY that this journal entry is here for him :)
heres a link to his profile
*******************
ERSATZ
::being a substitute::
"she puts on her masque, an ersatz for the world to see, covering what is truly just under the surface"
i changed the name of the last section of my journal. its simply called "daily" now, and though its similar to this section as it will be for my thoughts and things i need to write down for one reason or another, its special for its own reason, and will be handled a lil differently....
the first entry is up
i am drinking
no
wait
I AM DRUNK hahahahaha
and moonie is gettin that way and WOOT !!!!
um
where was i going with this ??
hhmmm
i am drinking
no
wait
I AM DRUNK hahahahaha
and moonie is gettin that way and WOOT !!!!
um
where was i going with this ??
hhmmm
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