The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

some of the worst peeps on VR

are the VERY ONES who say they dont want anything to do with VR bullshit



and the "better things to do" ones... ALWAYS SEEM TO BE HERE .. wtf??



go figure lol

COMMENTS

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sahahria
19:04 Aug 31 2008

At least I admit to having no life and being completely pathetic ;)

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thesavageant
19:32 Aug 31 2008

I know, right?



"Yea, I have better things to do, yet I'll still push my weight around because I can."

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i just literally spent a couple HOURS... going back into my journal and rereading old entries ....



i found the ones where... well.. i had planned and set the DATE even... of my own death ...



yup

i said it

there

its out

i had planned on killing myself on New Years Day



and once again yes i am having an EMO MOMENT... you dont have to fucking read me if you dont wanna lol



i have WMP on and cranked up and am listening to my "bad days" playlist.. i've cried alot tonight ..

i found entries that brought back LOTS of pain .... and things i said that .. well.. quite honestly... still stand true ..



i found several entries where i said i wasnt gonna let myself HOPE for anything.... and as i ALWAYS do... i fucked up and hoped again, and as alwayssssssssss ... i was kicked in the heart for doing it ..



i swear im really gonna try again, NOT TO ..

SURELY i have learned my lesson this time



why cant we just TURN IT OFF like a light switch.. GOD DAMN IT.....



*sigh*



it still seems pointless to me ... staying alive

i just ...

UGH

i know why i stay ..

its for my kids

thats ALL

theres nothing else that makes me want to

and that in itself is rather sad

at least *I* think it is



i still hurt every fucking minute of every fucking day

and it still doesnt get any better...



thank gawd the mask doesnt slip off often, and when it does, i am either alone or everyone else is sleeping

like now



the thoughts still creep back ...

i remember the odd sense of PEACE i felt when i made the decision, it was nice while it lasted..



but sure as shit

i fucked that up too and chickened out ...



think of what it would have saved me ...



the stupidty of thinking Chris might have actually been interested in me and that i might have a chance at something GOOD ....



the homesickness



the IGNORANCE of thinking i could MAKE something good happen out here in COlorado ...



and so much more .. even more to come... that i wouldnt have to deal with .. if i had just gone thru with it ...



YES i am a FUCKING COWARD!

yes i am being MUTHERFUCKING SELFISH thinking this way... of only myself and not how it will affect people in my life...



im GOD DAMNED TIRED if hurting .. and the harder i try to keep myself FROM hurting .. the worse it gets

the more i try to make better things happen, the worse it gets



i have to wrok tomorrow ..

and i will put on the mask and no one will know any better... just like the man that now calls me "HAPPY GIRL" every time he walks in the store ..



"HEY HAPPY GIRL.. hadda come in for my daily dose of smiles" lol

poor delusional FUCKER ....

"THERE she is ... the happiest girl I know" .. idiot

YOU HAVE GOT to be the happiest person I know"... GODS but i feel sorry for everyone else you know then ..



its almost 2am in KamiLand....



heres my latest contest entry ...





kinda fitting for tonight ....



i wish i could sleep

*sigh*



as much as i miss my babies and OMMFG i miss them so much

i dont wanna go back home



i cant face it

the I TOLD YOU's

the YOU SHOULDA KJNOWN BETTER's

the looks

the way things are gonna be



i dont wanna go back ...

i dont wanna..... *edit*









hows THAT for a journal entry ?

COMMENTS

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borked
09:00 Aug 22 2008

I don't think I'd get up in the morning if not for my dogs. Kids and dogs are pretty good hope :)

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Sinora
11:59 Aug 22 2008

It's an honest journal entry, which reflects how you feel and why, we all wear masks from time to time, I know I do......*hugs*.

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