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I'm kinda like blah today. Not really sure why but my mood isn't awesome. It could be because I'm hungry as I haven't eaten yet today. It could be because I'm bored. It could be something else entirely. All I know is I'm blah. Oh, and wish my girl good luck about something or other. Whatever it is she obviously wants it to happen and whatever it is, should it happen would probably make her happy since she's writing about it in her journal. So I hope it happens. Whatever it is. Yeah.

I'm not asleep baby. I'm right here. I've sent you two emails today and it seems like maybe yahoo ate one of em. Anyways, I'm here when you're ready. You can sign in on yim or just reply back to one of the emails I sent. I love you. xoxo

I miss you my love. xoxo

The recent poems I've added have absolutely nothing to do with my personal life. I'm not in a situation where these poems are true and I'm not in any kind of self destructive mood or anything like that. These poems are just poems I've written recently so that anyone who has the desire to see where I've gone with my poetry or how I've changed and come along from way back when with it can see. Nothing more, nothing less. If you think these poems are about you, don't flatter yourselves. They're just my form of art and nothing more. No hidden messages or anything. Just poems. That is all XD

Thinking about doing a massive poetry update. Like 3-5 entries here. Haven't added many in a while and I've got some I've written lately that I think are pretty good. Two of them got good comments on AP so I'm thinking it's time to do that. Might do it tonight but it might be tomorrow or something. Haven't decided when.

Been writing a lot of poetry lately. Some turning out good, some bad. A few I've kept. It's funny how insomnia makes me get inspiration sometimes. That and good music. HIM ftw! Now, all I have to do is sleep. Or something like that. Not really tired though. Meh. I might play Resistance or something. Or better yet. Little Big Planet. Oh yes, Little Big Planet it is. :D

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DestroyingAngel
15:00 May 25 2011

I see im gonna have to inject that ass raping clown fulla steroids and THEN sick him on the sandman. Mmmmkay.

Hmmm. :P

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JustinDupree
01:09 May 26 2011

Lol Yes, steroids seem like an appropriate course of action. It might just give him the edge :P

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The internet connection went from 3 bars to 0 bars while I was making cheddar broccoli rice and spicy corn. I don't know what you're talking about in that email baby. So I didn't sign out or anything like that. I just lost connection. I'm really sorry you're having a bad day. I wish I could help. I wish I could talk to you about it and all and try and make it better. I really do. I love you and I miss you. I hope you read your email. It says basically the same thing as this does. I love you and I miss you. I really really really hope you can calm down and talk to me about things without flipping out and assuming. We don't need assumptions right now. I love you and I miss you. ttul hopefully. xoxo

Woke up a little late but I'm on yahoo. I love you. xoxo

Well I sent her an offline last night. Looks like either A) she didn't get it which is what I'm hoping for. or B) She's still pissed and not returning my messages and all that. That really makes me sad but I told her I'd give her the time to cool down so i can't be expecting miracles. She's at work now so maybe when she gets home she might have time to message or something. But maybe not and I guess that's okay since I said "take your time" and all that. I just want her to know right now that I really love her and I'm not giving up on us. Like ever. So she can rest assured on that. She hasn't changed the "taken" status on her page and that's a good sign. Plus I don't think she'd let something this small break us up anyway. She's like me with that. She values us more then some stupid little argument. Well I'm going to go outside or something. Maybe take a nap on Debbies porch swing while it's still warm outside and everything. Going on 3 hours of sleep and I'm pretty beat the fuck up. I love you baby. ttul maybe but if not that's okay too because you really can take your time. xoxo

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ArmandII
02:49 May 24 2011

and im guessing you did fall asleep since ihave msged back

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I haven't slept and it's 8:50Am already. I'm tired but I can't shut down. I've been feeling icky lately. Especially yesterday. Checked my temperature with that little ear thermometer? 102. Now I usually run hot anyway so my usual temp is between 99 and 100 so 102 is even hot for me. I just hope I'm not getting sick. That on top of everything else would just suck. It really would.

*shakes his head slowly* Habit... *shakes his head again*

11:30PM checked email again. Still nothing. It's okay. We can try tomorrow. I love you and I miss you. Enjoy your evening. I hope you sleep better then last night. I love you baby. Nite nite. *lays next to her and hugs her tight as he cuddles and kisses her cheek* Night night my love. xoxo

10:38P.M. Checked email like I said I would. Nothing yet. No rush. Take your time. I love you. xoxo

I'm not going to go and say a bunch of shit and all that about how things are. It's not worth it. All I'm going to say is this. Once you're doing being mad, email me. I'm sorry you had a horrible night and I wish I could have been there for you. When I have a phone I'm very fucking reliable though so lets set that record straight. Every time you've called me and that phone has rang I've answered. Every time you've needed me and I got the call I stopped what I was doing and helped. You saying I'm not reliable is a slap in the face. But I'm not going to take it that way. I'm going to just shrug it off because deep down I know it's hormones. That and you miss my voice. Deny it all you want but that's what this has been about all along. You miss my voice. And instead of just saying that and us working around it we both just blow it out of proportion. It's okay that you're mad. I'm fine with that. You make me mad too and it's normal. The key to a relationship is being able to get mad. I'm okay with it. No problem. And I'll send offlines whenever I want. You gave me that privilege a long time ago and I'm not going to let you revoke it. Now that that's out of the way.



*comes over to her and wraps his arms round her and hugs her tight as he rubs her back* I'm sorry you had a bad night and I'm sorry you couldn't call me and tell me about it. I really hate not being able to talk to you except on here and on yim. I miss YOUR voice and I guess that's why I'm pissy lately. So, that's why. I'm sorry for it and I'll try my best to rely that message better next time. You can take it how you want but I mean what I say. You can get on here and say a bunch of shit in your journal because it is "your journal after all" and all that jazz but I know what's true and deep down you do too. I love you and I missed you today. I won't bug you anymore today. I'll try again tomorrow but I'll check my email at least a couple more times before tonight. I love you and I miss you. Enjoy your time. *kisses her lips softly and squeezes her hands before he lets her have time to cool off* I love you. xoxo

Well it's 7Pm here. That's 4Pm your time and still not a single message (that I've gotten.) I can take a hint. I won't bug you anymore. You'll come to me when you're ready and I'll welcome you with open arms. I love you. I really miss you. xoxo

(If you've sent some and I haven't received them then disregard this entry as it's based entirely on not receiving anything and all that jazz. I love you. xoxo)

I hate when I listen to Blue October even though they're one of my favorite bands. I get emo and sad and I was already sad earlier so it just made it worse. But on the plus side I finished a poem I had started and got stuck on and wrote two others besides. Good right? Yeah. I think so.



It's Sunday. I'm still alive. Not that I thought I wouldn't be but it's funny really. People are stupid. We are all stupid. We think some magic fairy will come down from the sky and blow us all to smithereens. It doesn't work like that. I think if this planet can hold out that long (and by that I mean the natural resources and what have you. That no nukes blow it apart ect) then this world won't end any time soon. Eventually in a couple billion years the sun might die. Then the earth will go. Or if before that the Andromeda galaxy decides to play chicken with the milky way then it might go but other then that I think Earth will be here long after I'm dust and long forgotten. It's just the way it is. Like it or not.



I hope you read the email baby. I hope you just say fuck it and realize this whole situation isn't worth arguing over and you come to me and hold your arms out and we make it right again. It's not that hard in my eyes but maybe it is for other people. To be honest, I couldn't care less. I just miss you. That's all. I miss you and I miss us and I think we're better then this. It's below us and we're letting something silly own us and we're better then that too. I love you. I hope you slept well and had a good day. I hope you're feeling better too. I love you. xoxo

*sighs* No sleep for the wicked. BUUUT I did get 45 headshots in a row with the marksman on Resistance 2 in a team death match. Go me! Total kills? 52 Not bad at all for not playing for like 2 months :)

Had a bad day again

She said I would not understand

She left a note and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.

She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace.

Smeared the lipstick on her face.

Slammed the door and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."



And she swears there's nothing wrong

I hear her playing that same old song

She puts me off and puts me on



And had a bad day again

She said I would not understand

She left a note that said, "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."

Ever felt like no matter what you do it's always falling short of expectations? It's how I feel right now. I've always thought I was a good guy. I listen. Way more then most guys do. I remember the small things like the fact that you don't like Leeches and that you prefer a certain milk over the others. I remember things like the first time I heard you laugh when I was laying on the sofa and I said one of the flowers resembled a penis. I try my hardest to include you. Tell you about my live, my ways of doing things. I calm you down when you're sad. I cheer you up. At least I used to. Lately since the first it seems like nothing I do is awesome. Nothing is amazing anymore. Nothing I do has meaning. Yeah, I get a thank you when I apologize for messing up but maybe just maybe a change in the mood over all. Maybe I'm expecting too much but I thought when a couple fights and they make up they're supposed to actually make up. Not stay distant and what have you over the next few days only to fight again. I'm rambling, I know but I'm really lonely right now and this is the hardest time so far because without you I am alone. *shrugs* Maybe I'm just emo. There's so much I want to do. So much I want to accomplish. I try really hard to be a good boyfriend. A good husband. I try really hard to give her a happy relationship. Sometimes I lay awake and wonder what I could do to improve things. I try so hard to be the best I can be and lately it seems I fall flat. I've had a rough month so far actually. Personally and mentally. I don't really know how to handle my emotions right now and I seem to lash out at the only one I care about but I'm not the only one. If I were to have died today like those faggots predicted? I would have been okay with that because I've lived for the last almost six years with a girl in my life who brings me happiness and who I'm proud to say is my girl. I may not have a "real woman's arms around me" and all that but I have things who are much more meaningful. I have every laugh I've ever laughed that she caused. Every smile I've smiled that was because of her. Every day I've thanked whatever god is out there for because I spent it with her. I know what true happiness is like and it makes me sad to know I'm some how, some way, not measuring up as much as I try. I don't know what else to say. I'm lonely. So very lonely and all I need is her. It sucks because I'd give my life for a single night in her arms but to some people words are just words and nothing more. Even if I put as much meaning behind them as I possibly can. I love her so much it burns inside me. Right now the loneliness is burning too. And it hurts. It really does. I miss the way things were before the first. I really really miss them. If I could go back to that? I'd be really happy. The happiest I've been in three weeks...

Going to take a shower. I'll be on yim

Before anything is started I want to note that I meant lately and not always. There's a difference. That is all.

So I was playing Pokemon Sapphire today and I caught a Skarmory. He has a 5% encounter rate and so I thought that was pretty neat. To catch him I mean. Not much work I suppose.. But cool none the less I guess.

Oh... mah... gawd.. It's Saturday and I'm still alive! XD

So apparently the world is ending tomorrow or something along those lines. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to watch the news or open any news web page at all anymore. It's all bs about "Oh, noes the wurldz endin! Hide yo babies!" and I'm really honestly sick of it all. If the Christian God wants to come strike me dead, then he can suck it. I'm totally not going down without a fight and if he is as just and honorable as they say he is the least the guy can do is give me a chance to kick his ass. lol Sorry for my mega rant. Let the Jesus huggers condemning me for saying that begin. Lol

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DestroyingAngel
09:52 May 21 2011

Jesus huggers lmao. Nice.

This shit is getting so lame. Just tonight, I saw on a news special (about the dillhole who came up with this whacky notion that the world is gonna end) that the guy who kickstarted this 'end' predicted that this was all gonna happen at 6pm in 1992! HE SAID IT ON FILM WAYYY BACK! Jesus Christ, pardon the pun lol.

Look, true Christian's don't presume to 'know the time nor the hour' of the end. It's supposed to be a big ol' mystery. Sure, we're given little clues to know when it's near but NO MAN KNOWS. Flat out.

And besides.........I have a clown to send in to a certain sandman. The world can't end because that needs to happen first! :P

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JustinDupree
10:31 May 21 2011

Lmao! Totally and that sandman is still up to his shenanigans cause I can't sleep again! XD

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I miss you baby.

Can't sleep again. Ugh. Oh well. You win some you lose some. *sighs*

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DestroyingAngel
19:29 May 20 2011

You want me to sick my ass raping clown on the sandman for ya? *giggles*

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JustinDupree
21:17 May 20 2011

Ass raping clowns are exactly what that bastard needs! lmao

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DestroyingAngel
04:16 May 21 2011

Consider it done! Now, can you imagine the grease paint stains that would be left on him? ROFL.

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JustinDupree
05:29 May 21 2011

He would be a sight for sore eyes XD

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Ugh. Keep waking up. Must sleep. Can't stay awake. Must sleep. Ahh! Fuck you insomnia! *flips the middle finger*

I'm doing a little bit better today. Trying not to be so emo. It's hard because I feel like I let her down. I feel like me losing control of my emotions like that really hurt us. And that sucks. I pride myself in always being in control. I pride myself in keeping my cool but sometimes my sadness or whatever I'm feeling gets the best of me and I lash out. I feel like a failure actually. Like I failed her and I failed us. But then again that maybe just me being emo again. It's all an endless circle. That keeps going faster and faster. When will it slow down? When will the endless circle of emoness fade? I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to be sad. I want to feel like I did before May 1st. I want to be happy with her. But my world (metaphorically, Hortencia) kinda came crashing down on that day and I'm slowly trying to rebuild myself. It's like a tornado ran through my town and I'm trying to fix up all the shops. The mini mart, the gas station, the Walmart and the costco. All of those things are going on at once and it's like the freaking SIMS. My mind won't stop racing. I'm sorry for everything baby. I really am. The only thing I can do is try again and try and be better. I only hope you'll be by my side. My lovely princess. My immortal wife. I love you. Thanks for everything.

I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight. I guarantee it. I need a friend so bad right now. I need her but she's not answering my email. She probably went to sleep or something and who can blame her? Who would want to listen to me cry? It's sad really. That I'm a grown man still crying when he's sad. Pathetic really. Sometimes I wish I could just get on my ps3, pop on the mic and just be like every other guy. Play games until you're not sad anymore. It's hard though. I'm too used to talking to her about it. I guess I brought that on myself really. I used to be good at keeping things hidden from people but I'm not so good at it now and I blame myself. I'm dependent on her I guess and maybe I shouldn't be. I'm sorry baby, for everything. I'll try real hard to fix myself by myself. It'll be harder but it's what you want. I'll do my best. I love you.

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DestroyingAngel
10:50 May 16 2011

*big sigh*



Dude, you've been going through hell and writing your freaking ass off. You are healing on the inside and doing what it takes, day by day. Im your FRIEND and I don't like seeing you hurt. I know you want to talk it out with her but sometimes...as much as it sucks, ya gotta give her a breather. It'll be okay and there is ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING WRONG with crying. Please understand that, okay?

Its natural, healthy and it helps to heal.



Im sending my prayers to you both. I want you both to be happy. I really do. *hugs*

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I need to talk to her so bad right now. I need to get it all out. I need to just go on and on and on and say anything and everything that comes to mind without any punishments at all. I'm so messed up right now I don't know if I can wait until she's ready to talk. I just don't know. I don't know...

She's not the bad guy. I am. I'm a train wreck on the inside and I'm just so completely out there that I don't know what's going on. I miss him so badly and I don't know how to cope with it. It's not about holding on to what's gone it's about trying to find a balance so I can move on. She's been really awesome through this whole thing until tonight. I'm really actually proud of her but she may not believe it. I really hope she doesn't take what happened tonight and turn it into something it shouldn't be. I was mad, annoyed, angry, sad, hurt, in pain and confused. It's been two weeks TODAY that he got put down and it's still fresh in my heart. My mind. I don't want to be sad. I don't' want to cry. I don't want to lash out at the one girl I love. The one girl who I care about and the one girl who I chose to be the girl I'm with forever. She's too important to me. Yeah, she pisses me off, she hurts me, she makes me sad sometimes but I do the same to her. It's a 50-50 street here. I'm so not innocent. I love this girl so much. She doesn't even know how much. I try and show her and I try and make her see but it's so vast and so insanely intense it's hard to get it all across. She's my everything and my soulmate and my one and only. I want to marry this girl. That's how intense it is. She's my everything and I took out my feelings on her. She shouldn't have said what she did in her journal. I'm not going to lie and say that doesn't hurt so very much but maybe if I had just told her straight up "Baby, I'm still hurting. Help me?" then maybe she wouldn't have posted it at all. So I take full complete blame for my half in all this. I'm a prick sometimes and today was one of those days. Don't you people DARE fucking talk down on that girl she's so much better then all of you. So much better then the world. So much better then me. I love her with all of my heart and I'm truly sorry for the things I said that made her mad and hurt her. I swear I wasn't trying to do those things. Sometimes though the things that sound right in your head end up fucked up when you type it out. I'm sorry, Hortencia. I'm so very sorry.

*wipes his eyes* She's not the bad guy. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm in pain right now and I need her and I don't know how to say it right. I don't know how to get her to see I'm breaking right now. I need her to hold me together because I can't do it myself. No one can. Just her. I need you baby. I really do.

Wow. Just wow. What a low blow. Apparently I'm not supposed to be grieving. Apparently recent death isn't supposed to hurt. I don't even know what to say anymore. I don't even know where to being except to say I don't think you've ever been so cold to me as you were in that entry. I'd never say something like that to you because I would know that if it effected you that much then whatever it was obviously had meaning to you. You are first. You always are. That's what hurts. I always put you first. Sometimes though? Sometimes it'd be nice to have my feelings first. Even just for a little while. "It's my journal I can put whatever the fuck I want in it?" Okay. Fair enough. I'll put this then. You're acting extremely selfish and I really didn't expect you to. Not about a death. Not about something like this. I remember you saying "I'll be there for you" and I believed it. I really did. I believed it with all of my heart. So hard and so much that I let it consume me. I told myself "It's okay to show your feelings. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be mad and sad and all of that all at the same time. It's normal it's the way it is. It's the way it should be" but after that entry? *shakes his head* That really hurt. I'm so surprised I can't even cry right now. I totally didn't expect that from you. From the rest of the world, yeah, I did. I expected it, I even said so in my entries here. "You guys will probably think this" and all that and I never once included you baby. You of all people I expected to be understanding. Maybe that's my fuck up. Maybe I shouldn't expect people to be understanding but it all comes back to this. You're different. You're the one who shouldn't be added into all the rest. You're the one I count on. I can't believe you'd say that. You don't remind me he's gone. You took that wrong. When I said "every day we can't talk is another day reminded he's gone" wasn't about you. It was about WHY we can't talk and we can't talk because I had to put my cat down. It hurts so bad because I thought you'd be the one person in the world who would hug me tight, kiss my cheeks and tell me I'll be okay. I want to be okay. I don't want to feel this pain. I hate it. Sometimes I want to take his place sometimes I want to break things. I hope to hell nothing ever happens to you like this, baby. But I know it will because things like this happen and when it does? I'll be there. I'll truly be there to help you through it and I won't hold a single thing you said in your journal against you because I love you unconditionally. Regardless of how much pain you feel with you grieve. And you can fire off with that "I don't need you to be there" bs but we both know you do. You don't want to admit it, I don't need you to admit it but I know you do and I won't let you push me away and I'll never push you away. Forever and for always. We're one. That's why it hurts. If we really are one? You should feel my pain enough to know it's real and not just some excuse for me to be emo.

I needed you tonight and you kinda tossed me out in the street. Not physically but metaphorically. I really really fucking needed you baby. You have no idea how much...

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ArmandII
04:48 May 16 2011

thats a fucking lie if you did you would have treated me better your the one who fucking tossed me aside when all i wanted to do was help you now i know

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JustinDupree
04:56 May 16 2011

No baby, instead of asking what I meant you flipped out. If only you hadn't assumed. That's what we've been talking about all day. *sighs*

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Was sleeping decently until just now. Woke up with a bloody nose. How gay is that? lol

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DestroyingAngel
15:35 May 15 2011

Strange ass mornings...



Go to bed with itchy nose, wake up with bloody finger? (please dont kill me lmao)

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JustinDupree
22:38 May 15 2011

Hey! lol I do not pick my nose! XD rofl

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DestroyingAngel
10:37 May 16 2011

LOL! Im just razzin' ya. :P

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Walked to get a soda with my sister. It was sprinkling but she asked me to go and since I'm nice I said I would. Worst idea ever. We get to the soda machine no problem, try and put the dollar in and it won't take it. The reason it doesn't is because apparently it got moist in my pocket from the rain and wouldn't work. So, we go to Family Video to get change and half way there it stars pouring. Not a small steady stream pouring, not a beat you in the back rain pouring, not a shower outside pouring, Niagara falls pouring. By the time we get there, and it only takes 15- 20 minutes tops to walk to Family Video from my house and it's already got the road flooded to the point of us having to walk through water up to our ankles. In just like no more then ten minutes. So we get the change and we're soaking wet, like literally soaked You would think we just came back from the pool. It sucked. Ugh.

Bored XD

So I was looking at your page baby and I realized what you changed on it. FUCKING AWESOME! lol Yes, I'm happy and giddy. Thank you! *smiles and goes to find something to do while whistling a happy tune* Ha! XD

LMFAO! My brother's friend Bryant came by with Seth and when I told my brother to be careful ( I don't trust people who use drugs, sorry? XD) that kid had the balls to say I was too uptight. Uh, no, I just care that my ignorant brother is going to go hang out with a bunch of fags at a house where it is well known they sell prescription drugs at. So when I told the kid "Dude, you don't know me, so don't pretend you do" and he replies with "Get blown!" I just had to LOL! "Get blown?" that's your best? Of all the dick related humor you tell me to get blown? That's like so original! I'm totally going to use that from now on. I think it's funny because while being blown is a really good thing I don't really NEED it. My girl does a wonderful job of satisfying me sexually and so for him to say that is just hilarious. I said "Dude, my girl is so boss I probably get more head in a week then you have your whole life" and my brother was like "Yeah, he probably does Bry so stfu" lmao! Even my kid brother who is oblivious to anything and everything knows I'm more boss then this fag. So my brother gets 5 cool points and I get 10 cool points for just being cool. Baby, you get 3 gold stars for being such a wonderful lover. So I think you have enough to cash in now, no? *winks and grins*

It's been five weeks since he's even thought about coming to his grandmas house. Close to six weeks since he's even come by or called and guess where my brother is going right now? Yup. Seth's house. It must really suck to have such low levels of pride and to have no dignity. The moment he comes to the door, my brother's right out there with him. It's like, how pathetic can you get? That kid is only coming by because his other friends are busy. You're his cousin and he thinks that little of you but hey, you'll jump up as soon as he says lets jump. How sad. I'm glad I'm not so pitiful that I have to go hang out with a kid like that. I'd much rather stay at home and watch paint dry then lower myself to hang out with someone like Seth. It's funny and sad at the same time so I'm all out of jokes for it. It's just really pathetic.

I think I'm coming down with something. I feel achy and I don't have much energy. It might have something to do with the insomnia I've been suffering for almost two weeks. Meh. Anyway, it just sucks that I might be getting sick and I'm hoping I'm wrong and it turns out I just needs some naps. XD



My brother was playing pokemon fire red and he wanted his Growlithe to learn Flamethrower before it evolved. It wasn't an uber high level or anything, I'd say near 30 tops. So I thought I'd help him out by doing the item modifier to turn his Brick Break tm into a Flamethrower one? (Yes, I know brick break is boss but he can buy those at Celedon dept.) and so I was doing that and while I was doing it, I guess I either didn't read all the directions for the Gameshark stuff or VBA messed up, or the rom was bad or something anyway, somehow something happened and it corrupted his save. So needless to say he wasn't happy about that. lol No biggie, I can make it back for him and being the nice guy I am (not really, I just felt guilty since I was the one doing the Gameshark stuff to it without him really asking me to) I promised I would. Currently at Pewter city, beat Brock and I have his main line up already thanks to another handy gameshark code. Just gotta get that TM once I reach Celedon and he'll be back where he was before he knows it. So that's what I've been doing since I can't sleep atm. Baby if you're reading this, I totally tried. For two whole hours but to no avail. I miss you like crazy and I hope today can be awesome we totally deserve it. *smiles* I love you baby! *hugs* Well I'm off to try and sleep again and if I can't do that it's back to Fire Red and see how far I can get him before I crash from exhaustion lol. For the record he never once asked me to get back for him I volunteered because I'm the one who blew his save up. So I should be the one to make it back by order of manners if nothing else lmao! I'm too polite for my own good aren't I baby? I know I read your mind! lol I'm that boss! *thumbs up to himself* Go me!

I totally miss you baby. xoxo

Tired but I can't sleep. Story of my life lately huh? Ugh. I want a bow. Like a real one. I want to learn archery but people don't really do that anymore and so there's nowhere to take classes or anything here. They used to do it at my high school but they stopped doing it before I could take it only to bring it back a year after I left. Gay huh? Oh well. That's one of the things I want to learn before I kick the bucket. To shoot a bow. Not at some deer or anything but a big round white target with a red dot in the middle. I wanna hit that fucking dot and be like "OH YEAH!" lol

Today went from a sad day at first, to an okay day and then to a pretty decent day and now back to a sad one. Roller coaster huh? I'm not really all that happy at the moment and that sucks. Hopefully things will get better. *crosses his fingers*

So apparently Assassin's Creed: Revelations has been announced for next year. Ugh. I haven't even gotten Assassins Creed Brotherhood from LAST year. I did have the oppurtunity to rent it though and I liked it quite a bit. Ezio is boss but him coming back for a third round in Revelations? Aww, Really? What about Altair? HE should have been in revelations. Why not? There is so much more he could do! I think they're planning on doing a prequel eventually with Desmond going back to Altair for some reason and that would be bad ass. I really think Ezios story has been told already. We need to move on past him into another ancestor. Maybe a girl this time. Would be funny how Desmond relates to being a girl when he's in the animus XD rofl

First cookout of the year. First cookout without him. One week today since he's been gone. I'm coping with it. Dealing with it as best I can. I miss him but I don't cry anymore. Not really. And don't think it's not that it doesn't still hurt. It does but it's slowly numbing. Becoming a reality that he's not there. 5 years every day I woke up to feed him, give him fresh water, clean his cat box and play with him. Every single day and it's a hard thing to change. But, I'm not so sad because I know he's not in pain. I know he's not forgotten and that, to me, means more then anyone could know. One whole week since he had to go. I can't believe it's been a whole week...



It's our aniversary today! Not the year one but the month one. The one that falls on every 8th. Some people might think us overreactive. Some might call us silly for something so small but it means something to me. Every 8th day of every month is another month spent with you baby. It brings joy in my life to have another month under my belt with your name draped across it like a sash of many pretty ribbons and jewels. Prominant against any and all things that happen that month. Period. Whether we fight, get along, bicker, cuddle, fuck, argue, talk or stay quiet the 8th of every month is always special to me. And it overshadows what else happens in the month. If the 27th of the month sucks I remember back to the 8th and I smile. It kept me from going insane a week ago. You do a lot for me and for us and I really appreciate it. I realize how you pick and choose what bugs you because you want us to be happy. How you would rather stay quiet then fire off with a smartassy comment. You're really awesome when it comes to that. You're doing great and I'm proud of you. Really proud. The kind of proud that makes a man smile when he thinks about it. Yep, that kind of proud. Keep it up love.



So no sleep last night. I'm exhausted and I've got a battle against Gary Mother Fuckin Oak in a short while. At least I think I remember fighting him at the Safari sone, Anyway, it sucks because I have a weak ass Poliwhirl now and he's pretty lame. Needed a water but could only find him. He was practically a new born poliwhirl when I first caught him. Level 2 lol but I raised it up and now it's level 25 or so. It's kinda gay raising it because it levels so slow but it's a Poliwhirl now and that's more then I can say for my blue version game XD

No sleep again tonight. Okay, enough is enough. I really need to stop doing that. XD

So apparently around 1PM some small miracle happened. Let me elaborate. My father has this unbelievable ability to sense when I've had little to no sleep and religiously wake me up an hour sometimes mere moments after I've actually gotten to sleep. Well today apparently he wanted to go outside and hang out with the neighbors upstairs (yeah the hillbillys) and upon finding that I hadn't slept from my mother he decided to NOT go out. What? I know right? It's usually him doing the opposite that I write about on here. It's like hell just froze over. o.o Maybe there's something to this 2012 bs after all. (and to those of you who read this, 2012 is just another year. In 2013 I'll be laughing at all of you who bought into it. :P Blah!) XD

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DestroyingAngel
20:40 May 07 2011

Lol....



Maybe he learned his lesson. *crosses fingers*

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I had a decent night last night with my girl. I think I called too soon but she didn't seem to mind and if she did she didn't show it which I appreciate. It's the first decent night I've had in five nights and my mood wasn't so depressed. It's not getting better to deal with his loss but it's easier and I think that's what happens when something like that occurs. It never goes away but it gets easier to cope. People probably think I'm over reacting but when an animal saves your life he becomes more then just a cat. When an animal sees you cry because your life is in shambles and it jumps in your lap and just sits with you even though it could easily just go and play with it's bouncy ball it becomes your best friend and when it lays on your bed next to your pillow just because you're sick and it only leaves to use the litter box and only to use the litter box it becomes like a brother. And he was. As close to a brother as a being from a different species could be. I know, I'm rambling but I wrote a poem about it and it's kinda brought those sad feelings back. No baby, not entirely but it's kinda made me see things differently and made me remember what I'll miss the most about him. Nothing we did last night is broken so no need to be sad. I'm just remembering and that will sometimes cause tears. Not the bad kind but the "I miss him" kind. It's hard to believe it's almost a week already that he's been gone. On Sunday it'll be a week anyway. It's not really "almost" but run with me on this. It's still raw and it still stings. Not as bad as it did on Sunday or Monday but then again like I said it's supposed to get easier with time. He wouldn't want me to be all sad about it. He'd want me to remember all the things I put in that poem and smile. He'd want me to laugh about silly shit we talked about even if he couldn't answer back. I just miss him. That's all. I love that cat.



Okay, enough emotional stuff for now. Gary Fuckin Oak thought he'd be a bad ass and try and challenge me to a battle on Leaf Green when I tried to enter the tower in Lavender town. Needless to say I put Gary in his place with just two pokemon and I didn't even need to bring out my starter. Pikachu (eww I know, he's gonna be a Raichu once he learns Thunder) and Pigeotto owned him easy as that. And I'm not even at that high of a level. Mid twenties. Anyway, he got owned. I didn't teabag him though because Ima save that for when I finish him off after the Elite Four. *evil grin* Then that bastards getting a teabag for sure. Scizor sucks on fire red and leaf green so I can't use him. Hence me using Raichu once Pikachu's properly leveled. I've got ample amounts of poke cash so purchasing the thunderstone will be a cinch. Just need to get him to learn Thunder if I find the TM I'm totally going to use that and evolve him sooner. Pikachu is just to sickeningly cute. Makes me wanna vomit. On a side note I totally need to take spell checker off when I'm using fire fox and talking about pokemon on here. The red lines make me triple check the spellings even though I know I'm spelling it right. Oh well. It's too fucking handy to take off because sometimes when I'm not using my glasses (like now) I can't see well enough to spell stuff right. Yes, my eyes are that bad, thanks for stating the obvious. lol Want a cookie? I'm having a cook out on Mothers day if it doesn't rain. No, I'm kidding even if it does rain I'll still be out there cooking. I love to cook out on the grill and all that. I'm pretty boss at it too so blah. *sticks tongue out* but yeah, looking forward to that. I'm rambling so it's off to find something to do to entertain me as I haven't slept yet and it's doubfull I will. But you never know. Peace.

*rustle rustle rustle pokemon battle theme starts* A Wild Bin Laden appeared! Go Seal Team Six! Seal Team Six used double tap. It hit 2 times! It's super effective! Bin Laden is unable to battle. The victory goes to the USA!



Cheesy, I know but someone had to say it. XD

Just finished Pokemon white. I named Zekrom after Cecil. If you knew Cecil, a bad ass black dragon fits him. It's easier to think about him now without crying but I still kinda want to when I'm remembering him. Not because he's gone but because I miss him. Anyway, enough about that. I'm going to try my hand at the game I started on Fire red just for giggles. Weird going from decent graphics of the ds emulator to the one for the gba. Although I'm still not sure how my Charmander learned Metal Claw on the OLD red gameboy color version as steel moves and pokemon weren't added yet. Yes, he learned it naturally and no, I don't have pics. Pics or it didn't happen? Bite me. My head hurts. Probably from stress and being frustrated but not frustrated in the sense the word means. Between my girl and me so don't even try to understand. And lack of sleep probably has something to do with it but Meh, sleep isn't a priority lately. Got too much nothing going on. Heh

Don't worry. 9PM your time it is and not a moment later.

I wrote you an email since you're not answering IM. I love you, ttul. xoxo

It wasn't about the almost smiles, it wasn't about talking more then I felt I could, it wasn't even about trying hard like I was. It was about US and what we should and could accomplish as a team. I don't expect anyone to try and take the pain away because you can't. It's impossible. Time will make it easier but it won't get better. It never will. Every time a person loses someone they care about a part of them dies too. That's just how it is. When you love someone, take care of them, worry about them when they are sick and do whatever you can to make them better, when that someone passes away a part of you has to go to. You won't see them again. You'll never be able to kiss their forehead again. To tell them goodnight or to give them a hug. It doesn't mean you die as a whole. It doesn't mean things don't keep moving forward, it just means someone you love has passed away and while you may never be the same again, you'll move on. You'll move forward because that's life. Life is full of things like that. Does it hurt? Fuck yes, it hurts. I've never felt pain like this before. Do I wish I could change it? Hell yes. I wish I could have been able to fix him and make him better forever and have my friend back but I can't. Does that mean I'll stay this sad and emo and cry like this all the time? No. It's been less then three days. Three fucking days and I'm already trying to get better. That should mean something. It would mean something to me if it were reversed. It would make me hopeful and optimistic and if you were happyish one moment and sad and crying the next? I'd dance with you in the sunshine and wipe your eyes in the shade because that's what love is. That's what love is and sometimes I think people forget that. I know my mom and dad do and I for one don't want to be like my parents. I love you. I'm sorry for whatever I did today to make today turn out so bad. I thought by showing you that even though it's still mega hard it's not impossible to try and seem normal. Or at least as normal as I can be after losing my friend. Maybe you're just confused. Maybe you want to help but you don't know how. Maybe you think I'm not asking enough of you or that I'm asking too much or something else entirely but all I want is for you to be you. Hug me if I'm sad and laugh if my joke is funny. And if I smile faintly like I did today? Don't fucking ignore it because it's so much harder then you may think it is. It's so much harder then many think it is. I'm not saying this to hurt you. I'm saying this so you know baby. So you see what I'm doing for US. I know it's about my pace and what I feel is right. I'm not stupid. So shouldn't you see that if I'm doing the things I'm doing then maybe I feel it's the right thing to do? I don't want to rush things but the progress I'm showing should mean something. It should have value. It should have meaning because of what I've just said. This entry is for Hortencia only so there's no need for you people to comment. It has nothing to do with you so don't get blocked for nothing because I'm going to be handing out blocks like it was fucking preschool and I'm learning to spell my name with them!

Whatever I did that pissed you off, I'm sorry. I don't know what I could have done. We barely talked today even though I was waiting to hear from you. I don't know what it was. I don't know if I'm being to emo about Cecil. If I'm being a dick some how or if I said something to make you sad or to hurt your feelings without meaning to but that's just it, I didn't mean to! So if that's it I'm sorry. I just wish I knew what I could have possibly done that would make today turn out like this. I'm sorry for it. Whatever it was, I'm sorry for it...

So I was watching pokemon in the living room on my computer after my girl went to sleep.It was the episode where Misty, Brock, and Ash go their separate ways before Ashe meets May. A song played and if you've ever seen the episode you'll know what I'm talking about. I think that song made me finally realize he's gone. All this time I think I've been trying to keep it kinda concealed. After we left the vets and got home, once I told my dad what happened I didn't cry anymore in public. I waited until I was in my room and everyone was asleep to let the tears flow. Sitting there though, and listening to that song made me kinda break down. I cried for like an hour and a half non stop. It's like I couldn't keep it in anymore and to be honest I think that's what I needed. To hold it in until it burst like that. A lot of you may say "It's only a cat, my god" but I don't care what you people say. If you people can't see how much this cat meant to me then you have no place reading my journal. He was just a cat. But he was more then that. He was my friend. And I think now, now I can finally grieve.



"Goodbye

Funny how that's such a hard thing to say.

Now it's time to let go but,

never thought I'd feel this way.



Promised not to be sad but,

we both knew I was lyin'.

Gotta fight back the tears 'cause,

Can't let you see me cryin'.



You're more then just my best friend.

What makes me misty most of all,

in our final curtain call.

Is knowin' that I won't see you again. "



I love you Cecil. I'll never forget you my friend. Goodbye.

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xRobin3x
12:07 May 03 2011

I do know of how cats touch that one place in ones heart that will always be that one spot for them, and omg yes, they are our best friends that no one can ever replace. your beloved is with you always .. in spirit.

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DestroyingAngel
15:57 May 03 2011

That was your friend. I get that. I had a calico that lived to be 25yrs old...

I had to put her down after she had several strokes. I cried and I mourned over her for the longest time. It was like losing a child or something. She was my friend. Im so sorry that this happened. I wish I could take this pain from you my friend :(

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It hurts to walk by his blanket. Every time I walk into the bathroom and look at the window I think about him. His favorite place to look out was that window. It's supposed to hurt. It's supposed to make me feel like garbage. It's supposed to make me sad. That's what happens when you lose someone you care about. Knowing that though, still doesn't make it easier. It's not as bad as yesterday though. I cried quite a bit last night and that helped. Mainly though, I wish he could see that I'm keeping my word. That I truly will never forget him. He will never truly die because of that fact.

I had to put my cat down today. Cecil. He got sick again and they found out he did have feline leukemia. They said he probably got it from his mother since we've always taken care of the animals and they've never been outside since we've gotten them. He was a great cat.



I remember the first time I saw him. His mom was a stray and she was kinda sorta living outside our house cause we had a big ramp built at the side that she liked to hide under. Cecil had his eyes closed still and his mom had given birth to the litter in our basement in a box of old clothes. It was funny because out of all the cats in the littler, Cecil was the only one who didn't know how to shut up. Kept meowing every time Midnight (his mother) left the box to go eat or drink. The other kittens opened their eyes as soon as they could and were able to but Cecil had opened only one. His left eye had that sleepy sticky stuff that gets in your eye lashes when you sleep covering his eyelid so he couldn't quite open it yet. So we called the vet (yes, for a stray outside cat that didn't belong to us) and asked her what we should do. She said to gently put one finger on each eyelid after wetting the sticky stuff and slowly open it for him. So I held him while my brother opened his eye for him. After that he was a playful adventurous cat from that day forward. Then since they were outside cats the rest of the litter either got hit by a car or we just never saw them again. Only Cecil and Peanut (his sister) was left of the lot of six or seven. One day my mom and I went to my Grandmas to do laundry, it was about three maybe four months after they were born, that Peanut and Cecil were playing in the yard and Peanut ran out into the street and was hit by a car. Cecil was all alone after that, just him and his mom. I wasn't about to let that fate happen to him so I begged and pleaded with my mom to let us bring him inside. So after like 5 hours of begging she let me. After that we were pals. I think seeing his sister hit by a car messed him up though because loud noises always scared him and made him jump. About a year after we brought him in he started getting aggressive. Vet said it was because he was becoming sexually active. So every so often he'd try and play bite but he always bit really hard and sometimes drew blood. Most people would have given up on him, tossed him outside, or gave him away. Maybe even put him down but not me. No, I played with him and got him to where he wouldn't bite people anymore. Calmed him down when he was all huffy and turned him into a real lap cat by doing the "Pet pet treat" thing with him so he knew it was okay for people to pet him.



I've never told anyone this but about 6 years ago, before I met my girl, I had a huge fight with my parents. The whole situation wasn't good. People in my family were fighting all the time, on and off, and it almost always revolved around me. I was depressed, really depressed. So, I get my shoes on and I'm about to leave. I'm not proud of it but I had planned on finding a way to off myself. That cat came out from under my bed where he was sleeping and started meowing over and over until I picked him up and held him. He looked into my eyes and laid his head on my chest. I knew right then I couldn't leave him. I couldn't and I wouldn't go now, because as long as I had him to take care of, I had a purpose in life when my whole world was in chaos. I'm not going to go jump in front of a train tonight or anything. This entry isn't about me, it's about remembering an animal who was also my friend that just happened to save my life. And now, every day I'm going to honor his life.



I'm going to walmart as soon as I can and I'm begging my mom to give me some money. They have this machine that lets you engrave tags for your luggage with your name. They look kinda like dog tags with a little hole for you to clip them to your bag? I'm going to get his name on it and I'm going to wear it. That way he's never forgotten. I can't forget that cat because if I do then that means he's truly gone. After all, I did invent the quote so why shouldn't I live by it? I'll never ever forget him. Never.



"The only way to reach true immortality is to never be forgotten."

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ArmandII
02:48 May 02 2011

Im really sorry that you had to go through this. i wish i could help you and make you feel better. when you decide your ready to talk to me ill be here. i may not know exactly how you feel cuz my dog never died but i did have to give him up and it hurt before you he was the only thing i had to i relate to your whole family fighiting and you wanting to leave and your cat stopping you. my dog did the same thing. and no im not trying to steal cecils thunder here im just trying to show you i can relate. i hope you feel better i love you

*hugs*

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DestroyingAngel
15:52 May 03 2011

Im so sorry :(

*hugs*

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Just watched the Blue ray rip of the Seventh Harry Potter film as I'm not really all that tired. It was actually pretty decent and rather loyal to the book. I liked the fact that they ended it where they did. Most fitting considering how much goes on in that book. A lot happens and I think the ending of part two, should they do as they did this time and follow the book so well, should be awesome. I actually liked it. Not so much as the Fifth one, which is still my favorite book and movie but it was well done none the less. Now off to watch Big Cat Diary if it's on and if not then maybe try again to sleep. I think I need it. XD

If your sister is being a bitch, you should have every right to say "Hey, stop being a stupid bitch" without her getting emo and crying and shit. Sorry, the world isn't rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes you need to be told the truth and the truth, my dear sister, is just now, you were being a stupid bitch so how about you take a step back, a deep breath, a drink of water and try again without the bitchiness and we'll see where that gets us. :)