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Insomnia. Ugh. Sometimes I wish I could kick you in the nuts! I want to sleep. I really do but I just cannot lay still. Grrr. I'm not happy with you insomnia. I'm really not right now! XD

She's done it again. Turned an other wise dreadfully annoying and less then eventful day into something awesome. Thanks baby. I fucking love you! *air huggies*

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DestroyingAngel
23:55 Jan 29 2011

lol....

Sweeeeeeeeeet! :P

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Ugh. Soooooo Boooorrrreeeeddd XD

I have had a very shitty afternoon and I just woke up an hour ago. Today has the potential to be dreadful. But, I'm not going to let it ruin the time I'm going to spend this evening with my woman. Why should lazy parents and a bitchy sister make our time bad? Nope, Ima flip my sister the finger, tell my mom and dad to suck it and be happy faced when I talk to my girl. I love you baby. I won't let it hurt us. :)

I read this in a yahoo answers comment and I think it's both true and a really good quote at the same time.



"Beauty in things exists merely in the mind which contemplates them." David Hume

New psp got announced yesterday I guess. Looks pretty cool although to be honest I don't see why they had to ditch UMD. Yeah, it drained the battery sometimes but they could do installs into the memorystick maybe and that would suffice in my opinion. Sony maybe you should listen to the customers! Well, they did add that second analog stick. That was totally needed. So they get props for that. lol

Awww, it figures. Dead Space 2 gets a 9 out of 10 in three separate video game magazines and a 94 percent over all and I don't have it yet. Boo! *pout-y face* XD

I slept like garbage last night. It was actually worse then garbage but that's as descriptive as I want to get right now. I got woken up so many times. My dad is in a wheelchair and cannot walk due to muscular dystrophy. Well, apparently he has caught some sort of stomach bug and I had to help him in and out of the restroom like 15 times last night. I didn't actually get to sleep until 8AM only to be woken up by the mail man who wanted me to sign for a package that belonged to my neighbor, Mike. Uh, fuck no, he's the one who was being such a dick during the summer, fuck him. So I refused. Then I got woken up by the garbage truck because apparently the street workers think it's perfectly acceptable to dump the can in the truck with the little motorized arms and then toss the can on the side walk as if it was part of said garbage. So the banging of the can against the concrete woke me up. Then, I get woken up by my neighbor Debbie to tell me that my dad had a letter about life insurance at her house because the mail man had apparently put it there by mistake. Okay, gook, I'll get to it when I actually get some sleep. Then, I get woken up AGAIN by her because the stupid Hillbilly upstairs had come over to borrow some eggs and he had told her that the cops had come by and did a search warrant on my house (oh wait, it gets better) and that they had picked my dad up and carried him to the squad car in handcuffs while he was yelling at them and swearing. Wtf? I know right! My dad was right there next to me when I handed him the phone so he could tell her he wasn't in jail. We don't do anything illegal so a search warrant would never be issued on the fact that they can't have any probable cause. Plus that guy lies so much. THEN I get woken up AGAIN by my dad because he had to go to the rest room again. So I've been up and down all night/morning/day and it's pretty annoying. Oh well. You win some you lose some, or something to that effect. I'm not going to let it effect my mood though so I'm still going to be doing my best. I love you baby. XoXoXo

Dead Space 2 came out today and I had planned on getting it. My mom said she'd help me out and I could pick up some extra chores around the house to pay her back (like I don't do enough no?) She told me this last night. Got the electric bill today though and considering since my room has been so god damned drafty I've had the electric heater on. Which of course raised the bill a decent amount. So, therefore she will no longer be able to help me out with getting it. *sad face* So I'll have to catch it when it goes down in price or something. My girl cheered me up though so I'm not sad faced anymore. Thanks baby! Maybe I can scrounge up the funds to rent it or something. *tries to stay hopeful*

Finally! Success is mine! I worked for 130 hours and 22 minutes to get it but the platinum Trophy for Final Fantasy XIII is mine! Hooray! Go me! Now for the final Trophy on Dead Space. Impossible mode. Already on Chapter 8. It's pretty stinking hard but not nearly as hard as God of War III on chaos difficulty was. My god, that one was a bitch but so worth it. lol

I love snow and I like cold weather but COME ON! This shit is ridiculous! It's 2 below and the wind will not stop blowing. My room is super cold. Like a freezer and it's keeping me from nappy time. Ugh. I hate having a poorly insulated house with a drafty ass room in the winter. Ugh. *sigh* Fuck you snowy weather! Go away and die! lol

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Oceanne
14:58 Jan 22 2011

My sentiments too! And I have to go out in it today.But lucky us,it isnt any 2 damn degrees,but its friggin cold,non the less.



Get more blankets!! Stay warm.

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This is certainly not my style of music to say the least but this song just doesn't get any better when trying to describe how she makes me feel. I love you, Pumpkin!



Smile- Uncle Kracker



You´re better then the best

I´m lucky just to linger in your light

Cooler then the flip side of my pillow that´s right

Completely unaware

Nothing can compare to where you send me

Lets me know that it´s ok

Yeah it´s ok

And the moments when my good times start to fade



You make me smile like the sun

Fall outta bed

Sing like a bird

Dizzy in my head

Spin like a record

Crazy on a Sunday night



You make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold

Buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Oh, you make me smile



Even when you´re gone

Somehow you come along

Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that

You steal away the rain and just like that



You make me smile like the sun

Fall outta bed

Sing like a bird

Dizzy in my head

Spin like a record

Crazy on a Sunday night



You make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold

buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Oh, you make me smile



Don´t know how I lived without you

'Cuz every time that I get around you

I see the best of me inside your eyes

You make me smile

You make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold

Buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild



You make me smile like the sun

Fall outta bed

Sing like bird

Dizzy in my head

Spin like a record

Crazy on a Sunday night



You make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold

Buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Oh, you make me smile

Oh, you make me smile

Oh, you make me smile

Today. What can I say about today. Today was quite possibly the most special day I've had in quite some time. Spent some time with my woman. *wins* Yelled at a few store clerks and had some bad ass carrot cake (omg baby, it was amazing!) and all of it thanks to my girl. I love you so much, Hortencia. Thank you for today. I hope that we have many more in our future just like today. *blows kisses*

I may not know the future, I may not know what it holds for us but we are together now. And that's what matters. *smiles*

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DestroyingAngel
11:04 Jan 17 2011

*a happy smile*

Im pleased to hear this, friend.

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Slept like shit. Total shit. My body hurts like I got beat up. The stress has really taken a tole on my sleeping patterns. I need to work on getting them back under control. For about a month there I was sleeping like a normal person. In bed after we talked and up at like 10-11 am? Now I'm sleeping more and longer and it's just not good. But I'm not complaining. So please don't take it that way baby. I'm just saying what's in my head. Once we get this straightened out everything will be better. I love you. xoxo

And if you read her journal you'll see a typo. I've never put games before her. Stupid Firefox thinks any word spelled "dnoty" needs to be deleted entirely instead of respelled. I've always put her before games. I always have.

She makes me sound so horrible. I haven't changed? That's sad. I've changed so much for her. She says I haven't but I have. I don't even think the same way I used to. Do looks matter so much that it's worth throwing away a man who loves you beyond measure? If it is then go. I won't hold you back. I can't. It wouldn't be fair of me. I don't care how she looks. I care only about her soul. What's inside her. What she is. I don't care if she's 145 pounds or 451 pounds it doesn't matter to me. Sometimes I wish she'd open her eyes. Sometimes I wish she'd see. There's really very little I'd change about her yet there's so much she'd change about me. I know I'm not perfect. I know that so well. I don't claim to be, I don't want to be. Perfection is too much of a burden in my eyes. The world is full of people always putting you down for some reason or another. Perfection is just another reason for people, and excuse me for being ghetto, to hate on you. I've lived on this earth for 22 years and I've met an awesome girl. A girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I've missed out on a lot in my life but I've experienced so much more. Sure, I've never gotten high. Never gotten drunk. Never got a scavenger hunt tattoo. Never been to Disney Land. But I've felt true love on my lips. True compainionship in my heart. I've experienced what it's like to look at a girl and say to her "I want to spend the rest of my days with you" and mean it. I may not be Lancelot. I may not even be King Arthur. But, if you look deep enough and you actually want to find the truth? I'm Zidane. I'm Zidane and you're my Princess Garnet. Zidane is a theif. That's what he does for a living. His special skill is steal. Princess Garnet is a princess of course and on their journey together they fall in love. He has a freakin' tail goddamn it! And she can love him. If a princess doesn't have her standards higher then even you then I don't know how anyone will ever meet them. She's a Princess and everyone around her knows he's a peasant. But she loves him. I'm fuckin Aladin. A street rat. And you're my Jazmine. I love you. I'm not perfect but I'm not horrible either. Realize what you have. I'm right here in front of you.

Well a bit of progress was made today, I think. Not much but I'm grateful for any and all progress at all. She may disagree but I think we did okay. We're not a couple yet but I didn't expect us to come to an agreement on the same day we decided we'd talk about it. We both have some issues we need to work through. I need to find a way to lose some pounds and she needs to find a way to stop worrying so much about the pounds I have. We both need to work on things before we can meet in the middle. I think as long as I eat a little healthier and try and work out somehow and as long as she leaves my financial situation to me and not concern herself with it we'll make a steady increase in progress. I'm not trying to make her mad by writing this so if she reads this ( I know she will and I hope she will ) then relax and don't take it wrong, babe. We're going to have to basically start from scratch to build us up better and I think we made a good start on the foundation tonight. On a side note, I'll probably end up shaving my goatee and see how that looks. Won't take me long to grow it back if I hate it. I'd say if I shaved it tonight I'd have it back by the end of the month. Maybe a week into Feb. Not to bad really. I've never had a clean shaven face since I was 13. Let's see how it goes. I love you baby. I will never give up on you. Never.

It's a new day and I have new hope. I'm really optimistic.

My mind will not shut off! God it's driving me crazy. We're going to talk about things. This is a good thing. She's right. I think too much. All that keeps going through my head is "What if she demands something from me that I can't get done right away?" I have a plan in life, I really do it's just not something that I can snap my fingers and make happen. I'm seriously worried about that. If she comes to me and says "Have a job in six months" I'm fairly certain that's not going to happen unless I'm really lucky. You can't get a job without a car. You just can't. No one where I live is hiring and I'm really worried she'll be like "Well no job no me" which hurts because it's not something I can control. I keep putting in the applications. Twice a week I sit down and reapply to the places I've already applied to and no one calls. No one emails. No one is hiring. I shouldn't be worried about this. I just need to take it one step at a time but it's hard to do that when the woman you want to be with might lay in the balance of it. I just hope for once if she never listens to me again just this once trust me. When you put rules and really high expectations on a relationship things will go badly. That's part of the reason we aren't together, together right now. We both put our expectations far to high and we ended up suffering for it. I hope she'll listen. I really do. For both our sakes.

I think we both want us to work. I think we both have our hearts in it. I think we want to be on the same page but we aren't yet. We're going to have a few long talks and see where it takes us. I'm willing if she is. I know I'm not perfect but as long as she doesn't give up on me, I certainly won't give up on her. I love that girl. I wish the whole of vr and the world knew it.

Another blow to my hole riddled heart. And this one might have been of my own doing. *sighs and wipes his eyes*

Have you ever felt like you've experienced the day before? Like you either lived it already the exact same way or you dreamed it up just like it was? I remember back when I first got with Hortencia, about a month later I dreamed we had broken up and that my zodiac sign had changed and that was the reason she broke up with me. She said we weren't compatible anymore. (in the dream she said this, not irl) and so to be honest I'm kinda creeped out. Because if I'm dreaming things that happen, I'm fucked. And it's not the first time this has happened either. I really should start writing these dreams down with a date so I can be like "told you so" to all the skeptics.

So since everything in my life besides my zodiac sigh seems to be changing, I'm considering shaving my goatee. Like completely. I haven't made my mind up yet but since I really like my goatee if I do shave it then it'll be a one time thing. Honestly. I think I'm just trying to distract myself. Oh well. I'll post pics if I do.

Oh yeah, now I'm an Ophiuchus and not a Sagittarius. W.T.F. Is nothing going to stay the fucking same in my life? I don't even know how to say that goddamned signs name. Ugh.

I'm not feeling very well today. It might be from all the crying, it might be from walking in the snow, it might be from walking in the snow for two and a half hours while crying. It might be something else entirely. I'm not sure, all I know is I don't feel very well at all. Could just be the depression as well. I'm pretty sure it's the depression. Anyway, I got my Ubuntu live cd today in the mail. I ordered it about 3 weeks ago. They were giving them away for free on the website and since none of the ones I burned seemed to want to work I signed up. It's not windows 7 that's for sure. I seem to really like windows 7. It's like only the best os I've ever used actually. Anyway, got that cd and dicked around with it for about 15 minutes. Still got a lot to learn but I'll get around to it. Just don't have the energy to do anything right now. I'll put it on the shelf and make a project of it one day when I'm stronger. For now, I just need to take it one day at a time.

I guess it hurts the most because she's actually happy without me. Enjoying herself. She said she wasn't but how can she not be? No more ball and chain. No more me holding her back. That's what makes it hurt so badly right now. But once this starts to numb it'll be something else. Always something else. I need her but she doesn't need me. I love her but she doesn't love me. I live for her and she lives without me. Guess karma found something I did that was horrible and decided this was the best way to get me back. Good job Karma. Got me right where it hurts.

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DestroyingAngel
08:45 Jan 14 2011

And Karma knows how to hurt. The thing is once we get on with the healing from being hurt...

Some pretty damn interesting things happen. Im wanting you to heal, my friend, so you can experience these interesting things...and surprise even yourself.

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My mom is a fucking idiot. She asked why I was gone so long and so I told her that we had broken up? She said "No, she won't be gone forever. True love is never gone for long" why would you say that? Why would you say that when I've just spent two and a half hours trying to accept the fact that she's gone? She's not going to come back. She made that pretty clear. I don't "give her what she wants" and unless I somehow change myself into what she wants she won't be with me. She said "I know that girl loves you. Maybe she doesn't think she does right now but she does. She might go out with other guys for a while and it'll hurt. But she'll come back because that's love. You go back to the one you're meant to be with" I hate the way my mom is sometimes. She "tries" to help but she ends up making things worse. She doesn't love me. She'll never love me again so I might as well get used to it. Ugh, people annoy me to no ends sometimes.

What more tears can fall when they've frozen to your cheeks while walking in the snow? What more tears are left in me? I'm alone. And it's colder then any icy tears. I can cry no more for now. All I can do is pray. Pray to a god I don't believe in that I'll some how survive this. Pray to a god I don't believe in that I'll live. I used to fear death but I fear life without her more. I'll just have to be the best I can be and hope next time it's enough.

It was a pretty bad break up. But I've seen worse. Hopefully she keeps her word and doesn't leave me completely. I don't know what I'll do. How I'll survive or what is in my future. I only know she's the one for me. I have to let her go, but she's my soulmate. It's serious. That. It's the truth. I've never said anything more true then those words. She's my soulmate. And I don't know what I'll do.

My head is pounding. I hate it when I cry like that. I hate it and I like it at the same time. I like it because I feel kind of empty of emotion for a few short hours and that makes the pain a little tiny bit less. I hate it because I feel so badly afterward. My body rejects it. My head pounds, my chest hurts like someone kicked me, my eyes swell and my hands shake for hours. It's a double bladed sword. But she kissed my cheek today and rubbed my shoulder and so I can draw my strength from that for a while. For a few solitary seconds I felt warm. I felt like I mattered. And as small as that may seem to you guys, it's the world to me.

I don't get her journal. She'll probably come to me and say "Oh, it's not about you, get over yourself" and if she does that I'll be okay with it. She's talking about something going on for a while or whatever and it sounds like it's about me. She doesn't mention my name but my gut says it's about me. I've never cheated. Never. Not once. Not one single thought about being with anyone but her has ever crossed my mind. Some people might think it's sad or pathetic but I've never even fantasized about another girl. I've never even fantasized about having a threesome with her and another girl. I only want her. This one person, this one girl, my girl. She's all that matters to me. I'm not with anyone now. I'm not seeing anyone, going out with anyone, dating anyone, fucking anyone, nothing like that. My heart still belongs to her. It always will. I'll never do any of those things because I still feel like she's my girl. Even if she doesn't want to be.

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DestroyingAngel
23:46 Jan 13 2011

There's is NOTHING pathetic about that...

It's a quality that sooooo many do not and cannot possess...

The heart is desperatley wicked. It wants what it wants and thats that.

I seriously hope things start looking up, man. *hugs*

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Watched the Guardians of Ga'hoole last night... Well early this morning. Round 4. That movie is pretty good actually. I thought it felt a little rushed though. Like they really wanted to stay in that 90 minute or so time frame. I guess since it's practically a little kid movie that's all they expect them to sit still for? Which seems just about right, to be honest. For a movie that felt rushed though it was extremely well done. I liked the part where the two snatcher owls are practicing the mean looks and intimidating stares? That part was pretty funny. That and the part where Metal Beak gets what's coming to him. That part was pretty epic. Over all? Good movie. 4/5. Check it out.

Since I'm feeling so weird I may lay down again even though I just woke up. It feels like the right thing to do. So yeah. Not like anyone will miss me though. If by some grace of God anyone needs me, just spill it in a message here, or an email and I'll get back to you either tonight or tomorrow. Don't do anything foolish before hand. What am I saying? No one owes me anything.

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DestroyingAngel
10:27 Jan 13 2011

Hey now, come dude, I would totally miss you!

Im sorry you're being flooded with so much crap again :(

*hugs*

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JustinDupree
16:43 Jan 13 2011

Thank you for the support. I need all the support I can get atm.

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Slept like shit last night. My nerves are completely on edge. I'm a little paranoid and I jump at every sound. I'm worried about myself. I really am. I don't feel normal. Not even close. But who cares right? I need to stop being emo.

I shouldn't have done it. The moment I hit that send button I knew it was wrong. I shouldn't have spilled my heart out. Bad things will happen. She'll hate me more then she already does. I'll lose more then I've already lost. I can't do it. I can't stand it. I can't lose anymore. I'm not built for it. I'll die. I don't want to die! Goddamn it, save me. Someone fucking save me.

There are a few things I know for sure in my life. Here is a list.



1.) I love Hortencia. I love her more then anything and everything. I love her more then all things. I love her more then life itself. I will never stop loving her and I will never cease to be in love with her. She is my heart and she always will be. Regardless of what happens in my future.



2.) I really don't ever see myself with anyone else. I don't see my self dating. I don't see myself getting married and I don't see myself living with another person unless it's a roommate to help pay bills. I belong to one person and one person only. Read above.



3.) I don't want any girls on here hitting on me. If you do, you'll be ignored. Plain and simple. Don't do it.



4.) I mean it.



5.) I'm not perfect. I don't claim to be. I don't want to be. I fuck up just like everyone else in the world. I am no better then any of you reading this. None.



6.) I don't believe in being shallow. Being shallow is pathetic. I don't care what you people look like, what background you come from, or what race you are. If you're a good friend to me then you'll get a good friend back. Period.



7.) Loyalty means the world to me. Learn it.



8.) I will write poetry about whatever I want to write poetry about. Case closed.



9.) I will not change who I am. Ever. I am who I am and if you don't like it you don't have to message me, read my profile, look at my portfolio or read my journal. I'm sick of you people saying "Oh, he's a gamer, must be a nerd" or whatever. Blow me.



10.) While she may not want me, I will always want her. Nothing will change that. She'll always be "my girl" in my eyes. I know I'm asking for trouble with that but I can't help it. If she wants me as her man again, she'll come tell me so. I'll just have to wait I guess.



11.) Red Velvet cake is still the best cake ever. You cannot change my mind.



12.) Just because I have feelings and show emotion doesn't mean I'm not a man. Doesn't mean I'm a pussy or a coward. Doesn't mean I'm anything like that. Poetry doesn't decide ones gender. I always thought it was the dick between my legs. That's how I'll judge my gender. Don't like my view on that? Sorry. Not my problem.



Side note: Unless her name was mentioned or I in some way said "her" or "she" I am in no way referring to anyone specific. 1, 2, and 10 were the only specifics about a specific person. The rest are generalizations. If you're reading this thinking I'm talking about you and your name isn't mentioned? You're not that special. Get over yourself.

I guess I do have friends in high places. Thank the treetops. You really helped calm me down, bro. You're a true friend and I'll gladly return the favor if you need it man. Thanks again.

Just because I have fucking feelings DOESN'T MEAN I'm NOT A FUCKING MAN! I wish people would get that through their skulls!

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DestroyingAngel
10:29 Jan 13 2011

Damn right, dude! Damn right...

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I'll be on yahoo.

Conked out for another what? 3 hours? She was on today. And didn't return my message. *sighs* There's always tomorrow. I wish I knew what was up. It sucks not knowing anything. And the sad thing is it's really up to her. If only she knew that.

Well I finally crashed at 10Am. Slept till just now. It's 4:04Pm now. Guess it's good that I slept. Wasn't intentional. I dozed off while watching a movie. I was right last night though. It didn't go away.

4 days. Four days without sleep. It's taxing. How many hours is that? 96. Ninety Six hours with no sleep. How can one sleep when they have nothing to wake up for? Ninety-six hours of constant awareness of the nagging hurt. At least she talked to me today. That shows she hasn't forgotten me. At least that's something. I can hold on to that for a while. Maybe another twenty-four hours. And after that, maybe I can find something else to hold on to for another day. In a way I want to sleep because for one I know I need it. Actually need it physically not just because it's what I'm supposed to do and two because if I can sleep maybe I can wake up. And if I can wake up maybe this will all be a dream. A nightmare if you will but deep down I know that's not true. It's real and no amount of sleep will change it. So I toss and I turn for hours on end trying and nothing. No calm. No darkness. At least not the bliss of slipping into unconsciousness. Not that darkness. No. Only the darkness of the shadows. The shadows of loneliness. The abyss of being alone.

I didn't have an attitude. It's just hard to sit there and talk for a few moments only to have you leave. It's hard to sit there knowing the one I love the most is mere inches away only to know she doesn't want me. It's hard and you don't see that. I wonder if you even cried. I wonder if you felt this pain. I wonder these things because I don't know. I don't know anything. I know nothing and it's sufficating. I just wish you'd understand.

I hate people. They message you without a single bit of care only to smash you again. I'll admit, he probably didn't know but since he used to be on my friends list you'd think he'd at least check my journal after so long before messaging. "Hey man, how's the wife?" *cringes* Pain, agony, heart ache. I can't bring myself to say the words out loud. She left me. She's gone and she probably will never come back. I can't say it. I can't think it because if I do then it's true and if it's irreversible I cease to exist. Sometimes I wish I could lurk. That way people would let me greive in peace without brining up the fact that she doesn't love me anymore. It hurts enough as it is.

Another sleepless night. My new m.o. I can't even get any poetry done because I feel so numb. Unable to concentrate. Unable to form words. It's funny how it's so simple for most to lay down and sleep. To just give in to that one small desire or need. Then again, I've always been a fighter. I'll fight sleep just like I fought so hard to keep her. And I'll fail. I'll fail fighting sleep just like I failed to keep her. Why do I keep fighting? When you love someone you fight for them even when they'd rather forget you. And since the person I want to fight for would rather forget me I have to direct that energy somewhere. And eventually like a aging star my energy will be used up and my light will go out. I'll implode upon myself and deep within the core of my soul a black hole will form. Cold, dark, inescapable. It'll burn up every bit of light in my soul and eventually I'll become nothing but icy, empty, barren space.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in

'Cause I got time while she got freedom

'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even



Her best days will be some of my worst

She finally met a man that's gonna put her first

While I'm wide awake, she has no trouble sleeping

'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even, even, no



What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces



They say bad things happen for a reason

But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding

'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving

And when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even, even, no



What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces, yeah



I'm falling to pieces

(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)

I'm falling to pieces

('Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even)



You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain

You took your suitcase, I took the blame

Now I'm tryin' make sense of what little remains, oh

'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name



I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in

'Cause I got time while she got freedom

'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break

No it don't break, no, it don't break even, no



What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces, yeah



I'm falling to pieces

(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)

I'm falling to pieces

('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even)



Oh, it don't break even, no

Oh, it don't break even, no

Oh, it don't break even, no

I'll be on yahoo if anyone needs me. Not that anyone will or would but eh.

I am seriously done with Straight talk phone service. It's horrible. First the fone messes up, then they don't want to accept the refill of minutes and now it's messing up again. I'm just going to go with sprint. Maybe I can get a free smart fone so I can put music on it or something.

How can someone sit there and say "I care about you as a person" and then shatter your heart, soul, and reason for living all in one go? It's a lie. It has to be. You can't care about someone like that and then take a major direction in destroying them. It's amazing I'm still here now actually. So many thoughts running through my head all night. It's like a horror movie playing in my head. My own version of the Saw franchise. Only there is no jigsaw. Only me. There are no victims. Only me. It's like I'm building my own traps only to forget how to escape them. Barbed wire? Bear traps? Razor blades and broken glass? Been there done that. The only thing I have to cling on is this. I did my absolute best. I did everything I possibly could to make that girl happy. I listened, I watched, I changed who I am. I molded myself and made myself into something she could be proud of. It wasn't enough though. Listening as she told me about her day wasn't enough. Listening and trying to help wasn't enough. Giving new and different points of view wasn't enough. Wiping her tears when she was sad wasn't enough. Holding her close when she was cold and telling her it would all be okay wasn't enough. Sure, I don't have money. I don't have a car. I don't have my own house and I don't have a job. Those are all things I can't control. I've put my application in every single place I can think of. New Castle just isn't hiring any new people. My town is one of the hardest hit by the recession in my whole state. Two factories have went out of business and another isn't far behind. That doesn't leave many options. Fast food jobs are all taken as people have to have two and three jobs to put clothes on their children's backs. I can't work miracles. I can't change those things. The most I can give is my heart. My heart and my soul. They weren't enough. I wasn't enough. So maybe, just maybe, it wasn't me this time. Every relationship I've been in I've always asked myself "What's wrong with me?" after it's ended. This time? This time I won't. This time I can't. This time, this time it wasn't me. I did my best and if my best isn't good enough then she doesn't deserve me.

There are times when dying seems so appropriate. Like leaping out in front of a train (Do they still use trains?) or downing my dad's blood thinners and forgetting to not get cut. Something like that. Sometimes I picture going out all messy and traumatic but then I worry about who will find my body. My mom? She'd never get over it. My sister would never be the same. My dad would probably have a heart attack so that only leaves my brother. I think he'd be okay. Sometimes I wonder what death feels like. Or if it even has a feeling. I kinda hope it doesn't because frankly I'm sick of feeling. I've been on a mega roller coaster for the past 5 years of my life. I've felt true happiness and bliss but I've also felt the most intense and blinding pain. You can't imagine it. And if you can you've felt it too so you know what I'm talking about anyway. Sometimes I wonder who will actually miss me and I think I can count on like one hand. I have four cats and I think they might miss me but other then that I don't know anyone who would. It's sad that now I live for my animals. What else do you have though when the one you love more then life casts you aside? Sometimes I want to die but deep down I know I can't yet. Deep down I know I'll never slice my wrists (the RIGHT way) or take a shit load of blood thinners (I hate taking pills) but I sure wish I had that kind of power. The power to end it all. It's obvious she'll be okay but sometimes I wonder what about me? What will I be when this is all said and done? What will I be once I'm past this? Will I ever get past it? It's so unclear right now, my future. I know one thing though. My heart is broken. Maybe beyond repair right now and I'm not sure how long I can go without it. Does ebay sell hearts? I kinda hope they do. Mine is kinda shattered.

Don't call you and don't text you? Fine. Whatever. I can't keep doing this, Hortencia. I'm the only one who has his heart in this anyway. That's the way you make it seem especially as of late. My heart belongs to you but if you don't want it then I can't make you take it. I'll always love you and I'll always miss you. If you decide you want to actually talk. To make this work then you know how to find me, I love you more then anything and everything but I can't make you love me. I'll always love you. I'll always be in love with you. Always. I'm in this till death do I part and my ring finger on my left hand will always hold this ring. It may not be of gold and brass but like my love it's endless.

I didn't do anything this time. I don't know why you're acting like this. No I love you or anything? *sighs and shakes his head*

My brother is a complete idiot. I used my dad's computer to duel myself with KVDS and I used my best deck (with my notebook) versus my brothers Red-Eyes Black Dragon/Black Skull Dragon deck (with my dad's desktop) and his deck won two out of the three times I ran it. Wth? Why would you not want to play something that you have a good chance of winning at? I mean the actual system is NO different then when you play with the cards. I don't get him! Ahh! XD

Well I had an open mind today and kept my cool. I waited for you all day and I had the phone with me the whole time... No one can say I didn't do my part.

Hooray! I might have found a friend on the KCVDS thinger. He's a noob on it just like me so maybe we can just have some just for fun duels. Not for Kaiba Corp Cash or anything like that. What's that shit used for anyway? It's a free site. XD

Kaiba: It’s time to put an end to my past for good. As soon as I win this I can finally move on!

Atem: How foolish! It’s our past that makes us who we are today.

Kaiba: Whatever.

Atem: You must remember what happened before so you can learn from your past. You can’t ignore where you came from. Don’t you know? It’s our history that shapes our future, Kaiba!

So anyone who plays the Kaiba Corp Virtual Duel System game should totally message me. I need friends on there as I just made an account. Hit me up, I know the game pretty well and I'm not afraid to teach people who don't.

So my brother tried the Kaiba Virtual Duel System thingy with me and of course since it's different he didn't like it. Sometimes people need to fucking get over shit and man up. Just because something is new and different doesn't always mean it's bad. Just sayin'. XD

I really wanted you today. Not the every day fuck me kind of want. The intimate be close with you kind of want. Oh well right? Can't win em all...

So, I downloaded the Kaiba Corporations Virtual Dueling System thingy for my pc right? Made a couple of decks and all and I'm set. Told my brother about it and he was all for it. Until we started playing and he realized the whole thing is based on trust and and an understanding of the game. Nothing is really automated. You have to shuffle your deck by clicking it and then ticking the shuffle button. You can search your deck whenever you want and summon anything you want without a sacrifice. It's totally based on your opponent playing fairly and what not. Totally trust based and since you have to type things out and click more then once or twice? He's not interested. So now I have like two badass decks and no one to use em on. Ugh. *sighs* I hate having lazy siblings. XD

Just watched Resident Evil Afterlife. Wtf? First you don't want to be like the video games and then you decide you do want to be like the video games... kinda? That movie series bounces around like you have no idea. Newsflash directors of the Resident Evil movie series? Just go home. Count yourself lucky you made it to four films and just call it a day. Pat the person next to you on the back and buy a round of beers and start your next project and do us all a favor, leave video games alone! There have only been two films I've liked that were based off of video games and they were both done completely animated. Advent Children and Resident Evil Degeneration. If you like video games and haven't seen those films you're retarded. And you can't call yourself a gamer. Resident Evil movies with real life actors in it will no longer burn my retinas. Afterlife was the last one I'll watch. 2/5 and that's strictly because it carries the name Resident Evil in it's title. That and those fucking zombie dogs are creepy.

Got bored seeing has how I'm getting the silent treatment and so I drew a bit of Yu-Gi-Oh! fan art. This is Atem aka the Pharaoh, aka Yami Yugi. For my first attempt I think it turned out really well. *thumbs up to me*

*sighs* I miss her.

Grrr. I feel bad for calling her a bitch. I can't fucking win! GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING SHIT FACED COCK MASTER! Ahhh! Sometimes I hate my fucking conscious. Sometimes I wish I could banish it to the Shadow Realm. That sounds lovely. Then I can be properly pissed like a normal person. *sighs*

Well I finally finished God of War 3 on Chaos difficulty. It was by far the most difficult difficulty I've played any game on. I've never been stuck in the same spot for over a month before. It was pretty hardcore. But as I said in a previous entry... IN YO FUCKIN FACE FUCKWAD! lol that game is so baddass. But after finishing Chaos I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I pretty much mastered it. Go me! Hooray! lol

I really missed you today. I spent a good deal of it checking the phone. Some may say it's pathetic but I say I just love you that much. Seven and a half hours is a long time. I'm not writing this to make you feel bad, to tick you off, or to make you change anything. I'm just writing this to show you I care. I love you. I really missed you today. That's all. *smiles* You're loved.