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07:14 Feb 19 2015
Times Read: 417
How do you tell someone that it still hurts without sounding like a complete weakling? How do you tell someone, Yeah it's been close to two months but that doesn't stop you from feeling like a nerve in your tooth completely exposed and inflamed randomly sparking off receptors for no apparent reason other than to hurt? How do you voice that sometimes you don't know if you'll ever be the same because part of you feels like it died with him? I have no idea how to put these feelings into words and I have no idea how to fix myself. I'm failing. I'm failing in everything I want to do. I'm failing at communicating with my girl. I'm failing at making her happy, making her feel better, making things feel normal. I'm failing at coping and being okay. I'm just failing and it's hard and I feel like I'm suffocating sometimes. Like my chest will cave in and my shoulders will buckle and I'll fall and I'll curl up into a little ball and I'll drown and I'll never get up and I'll never be who everyone thinks I should be. I'm failing. Failing failing failing and I'm not sure how to succeed anymore.
03:59 Feb 17 2015
Times Read: 440
I haven't been on here in a really long time. I've come to realize this website, a lot of the time, does more harm than good to my life. I've met cool people on here but the drama that follows most of the time isn't even worth the effort but I've been going through a lot lately and I really want to get some of it off my chest so I'll do that here. I don't need comments. I'm not here for pity. I'm just here to vent.
I lost my father on December 28th. It was really sudden and I was completely taken by surprise. My dad and I didn't always get along to be honest. He made some choices I didn't agree with and I'm sure I made a lot of choices he didn't agree with either but I loved him. I loved him a lot and this is only the second loss I've ever had to deal with regarding very close family members to me, the first being my cat so this one is pretty hard as I knew this man since I was born. I was the one who handled most of the funeral arraignments and all of that. His clothing, his pictures, his casket and all the usual decisions that comes with the loss of a loved one. It sucked. It sucked because I wasn't ready to lose him. I realize no one is ready to lose their family member or anyone in their lives really but I feel I was less prepared than say my siblings or my mom because of a couple of reasons. My dad was diagnosed with Becker's Muscular Dystrophy in 1995. In 2001 he suffered a stroke followed by a broken leg in 2002 which caused his MD to settle in his hip preventing him from walking again. From 2002 until December 28th I took care of him. He could do basic stuff like bathing and stuff like that alone but moving him through out the house and taking him back and forth to the doctors and anywhere else he wanted to/had to go fell to my brother and I. Mostly me because my brother has a bad habit of not wanting to help people. He's very selfish at times and I couldn't and wouldn't let my dad be excluded from things like family gatherings and especially not doctor visits. I would push his wheelchair where he needed to go when he couldn't bring his motorized one. I feel this brought us closer because while he wasn't always as vocal about it I know for the most part he was grateful and while I wasn't always the model son I feel he knew I'd help him any way he needed me to. It was more than a father/son relationship. He was my friend. He was and I fucking miss him. I miss him so badly. I would give anything to be able to talk to him for five fucking minutes right now or to give him a hug. I miss his laugh. I miss the random old people sayings he'd use that made no sense to me but caused him to laugh when I became confused or made my wtf face. I miss him telling me off when I was a dick and I miss pushing him where he needed to go or letting him outside when he came to visit me since he couldn't pull the door through and go down the ramp at my house at the same time. I miss his smile. I miss him. I wish I could see him smile again.
He had a daughter that I never really had a chance to spend much time with from a previous marriage and at his funeral I got to meet her again for the first time since I was like 5 years old. Growing up, for whatever reasons I don't know, we didn't spend time together and I wanted to change that. He would always talk about how he wanted us to get to know each other and life would always throw curve balls so we never got a chance to do that and I vowed at his funeral I'd make that dream of his come true. I've done my best to make that a reality. We text now and we've had lunch twice since then and its not awkward to be around her like it usually is when I'm around people. I wish he could be with us and see that all of his children are spending time together. I only wish it hadn't taken something like his death to make it happen.
I've been having dreams lately about him. For the past 2 weeks or so I keep dreaming he's not gone and that for various reasons he's still alive. I know these dreams are just dreams. I get that but they rattle me because I miss him so much. It's hard not hearing from him every night like I used to and seeing him. It sucks and I've never dealt with death well so I'm kind of lost as to how to handle it.
That brings me to today. I'm a shitty boyfriend, for various reasons I've never been a very good one, but I try to be. I want to be. I've tried to be as understanding as I can be because my girl has had a lot of stress going on in her life too. I'm not the only one who has shit going on. Her stuff is equally important to my stuff but I've had a hard time being what she needs me to be lately. It's not because I don't want to be, it's just I don't feel myself. I don't feel like I usually do and it's causing me to suck even more at being a boyfriend than I usually do. I'm trying. I'm really trying but tonight I sucked mega hard. I said somethings that in my head explained exactly what I wanted to say but that came out completely wrong and really hurt her feelings. I don't like hurting her. I don't want to hurt her and when I do I get really pissed at myself because she really is an amazing girl. She was there for me when I lost my dad and she's been there for me through everything. She was really understanding when I was going through all of the funeral stuff and she did her best to make me feel as normal as she could. I failed her. I should be able to give her that same understanding back. I should be able to find a way to make her feel better. I should be able to find a way to take her by the hands and say "Everything is going to be alright" because it is. I love her so much and I don't like hurting her feelings. She has been really working on all of the things we need to work on as a couple and I've been a complete knob lately. It's not on purpose though. I'm not trying to be a dbag. I want to be better. I'm going to try even harder to be better. I'm sorry for saying the things I said this evening. I'm sorry for being so bad at being a boyfriend. I'm sorry for being so stupid lately. You are loved. You are wanted and needed. I need you more than I can put into words. You're my best friend and I adore you. You're my everything. I'm sorry for tonight. I will try harder. I will be better. Thank you for being so patient with me. I don't deserve it but I do appreciate it.
My life. What has become of it? I don't want to lose anyone else. I don't want to be a villain. I want to be a hero. I want to make a difference but I had no idea how. I want to be the best boyfriend I can be but I have no idea how. I want to help my girl, my family, my friends, my world but I don't know how. I'm not sure if I'll ever find my way. I'm not sure if I'll ever figure out what I'm meant to do on this planet. I just want to do good. I want to make her happy. I want to make my dad proud. I want to. I'm. Trying. To. Be. Better. I just need to try harder.
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