The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Well no sleep for me tonight and to top it off? Just had a massive nose bleed. Lasted around 15 minutes. So that sucked. My head still hurts. So add to that how today went and needless to say today wasn't very pleasant. Fml. I'll be reading all night probably. Or playing Assassins Creed 3. I want to replay that too.

Just finished watching the midseason premire of The Walking Dead and I am stoked for next weeks episode. It was good to learn more about Micchone as I feel she's one of the most complex and mysterious characters. Decent episode.

So much has changed. So much is different. New rules. New catches and off limits topics. Even the stuff that hasn't changed has new rules and exceptions and I can't change or control any of it. I guess I need to just shut up and stop complaining and be content with what I get at all. I'll try and work on that. It's not going to be easy but you can't make someone who doesn't want you, want you. I just have to suck it up and deal with it. Maybe eventually I'll get so numb I'll be able to just go with the flow and once it's second nature then deal with the emotional bit later.

I'm probably going to be cleaning my friends list out again. Last night when I was really sad and messed up no one even offered a "hey are you okay" which really sucks when I try and make a point to check on people I add. So yeah. I wasn't looking for attention but the fact that none of the 63 people who have me on their lists nor the 33 who have me on journal gave two shits how messed up I was? That speaks volumes. If you weren't online yesterday or today you're safe. Everyone else is fair game.

Took two tylenol pms last night and I think I might have passed out because I can't remember falling asleep or even laying down. Plus my tv was on which I don't usually leave on when I intentionally fall asleep. I'm dragging so much today. I just woke up but I feel like I've been up for days. Medicine that makes you sleepy always effects me so harshly. This is why I almost never take it. Oh well. I lost myself for a while. Maybe thats why people take drugs. *shrugs*

And the saddest part of tonight? She not only broke a promise but she signed out of the only way I can get ahold of her to say goodbye if I did decide to do it. Can't blame me. Evidence that I would have tried to is right here.

I have never wanted to eat a hollow point round so much before in my entire life. I have never wanted to slip the knife up my wrists so completely before. I'd make it easy on you then. Precious wouldn't have to hurt then. You could be happy and your day wouldn't get ruined and I'd be dead which is how I feel right now anyway. Sad part is? I still love her. More than the air I breathe. I just can't show her that because shes obsessed with someone else. Lucky I don't own a firearm or they'd be cleaning me up off the fucking baseboards tomorrow.

I found this quote today and I cannot put into words how this moved me. I was randomly looking up quotes about relationships and love and I found this. It speaks so much to me especially after last night.



"I'm so sick of people over using the word love. People claim to "love" everyone and it's just awful. You don't love someone after three days, you love someone after you know them. You love someone when you have seen them at their best and at their absolute worst. You love someone when even though they hurt you and take everything you have you still want to be with them. You love someone when you know the little things and have spent a long period of time with them. You love someone when you are willing to let them go so they can be happier. You love someone when you put them before yourself. You do not love someone you claim you "can't live without" nor do you love someone whom you've only spend a month with spitting pretty conversations and petty pecks on the lips. That is not love. That is infatuation and obsession and you merely like them. Love is something special and not something to be thrown around and the fact that everyone seems to be throwing that word around lightly disgusts me. -A girl named Laura."

Finished Blood of Tyrants. It was a decent book. I wish I had reread Crucible of Gold before it though because I had forgotten a few things from Crucible. If you like military fantasy/ alternate history or anything Dragon related I'd check it out. Naomi Novak is the author. Its part of the Temeraire series.

Guess I'll just go watch Regular Show until I can get my mind out of the gutter.

I need a brain freeze. A brain freeze and I totally need to get laid.

I need to go play in traffic or jump off a bridge or something.

I can't sleep. I don't want to sleep. I honestly hope I never sleep again. I have a lot of feelings and emotion holed up deep inside me right now that I'm forcing myself not to explode. I know I'll calm down. I have to. I can't spend forever this way. There's no way I can keep it pushed down that long if it doesn't lessen to some extent. No way.

My brother saw how upset I was so he had his friend take him to Mcdonalds and he used his last dollar to get this little happy meal toy Bmo from Adventure Time to try and cheer me up and then he walked back home just to give it to me and that my friends is why he rocks.

I have kik and skype if anyone wants it.

Tonight is the first time in all of my life that I've seriously thought about alcohol to numb my brain. It's probably a good thing I don't drive. I'd spend my last 30 bucks on the cheapest fracking booze I could find since alcohol makes me halucinate.

After almost seven long years of fighting to keep the relationship I was in afloat I must hang my head in shame and admit defeat. The war is over. I have lost. To the man who won, we have never met but she was rooting for you the whole time. Helping you best me from behind the scenes. Every stray arrow that somehow struck its target, every gentle nudge of your sword which embedded into my flesh and every flaw you could exploit was assisted. You won. Fair and square and I comend you. You fought well. Far better than I could ever hope to match. May you always cherish her and your new throne. May you be a gentle and just ruler. May the wind always be at your back and may your sword stay forever sharp. I wish you luck. Victory is a fickle thing and I hope you can appreciate the size of your victory and what it means to have won. Congradulations. I leave you my sword. Do with it what you will. I won't be needing it.

Probably just made a fool of myself. Fml.

Someone commeneted on my journal earlier involving the one about getting back into writing again. I think the name was something with a P. Well I noticed a spelling error in my post and thought I'd knock that out before reading your comment. Well that edit deleted the comment so if you would be so kind as to either comment again on that entry or message me what the comment said that would be lovely. Thanks for taking the time to comment in the first place, people rarely do, and I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to read it.

I might take up writing again. I haven't really stopped perse but I haven't been as serious about it as I once was lately. Might help me vent a little and clear my head. Not that slashing through some Draughtr or shooting a Dragon full of arrows wouldn't help but writing is more socially acceptable when in public and when I'm away from my ps3. Also if you have a ps3 add me. I could use some new friends. Psn= JustinDupree

I had such high hopes for today. Such high hopes. I'm an idiot. A hopeless pathetic idiot but I am done believing in fairytale endings. Sometimes the bravest and strongest and cleverest doesn't win. Sometimes you lose because the dealer was stacking the deck the whole time...