The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I'm not allowed to write in here how I feel anymore since I'm being disrespectful so from this point forward this will be a video game progress/song lyric/entertainment type journal. Nothing personal or anything that can be tied to my personal life or anyone in it. Probably better that way. You guys don't want to hear my whining after all.

Well I'm out for a while. I may be on here tomorrow or maybe not. I don't know yet. Have a good evening all.

I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm so fed up with it. I'm just going to pretend like I'm okay and maybe my heart and mind will get the picture. I'm so tired of this bullshit. I'm so sick of it all. I wish I didn't feel the way I do so this would be even easier on you. Then again youre fine so I guess easy isn't the right word. Anyway. Time to begin the pretending. Lets hope this works. *crosses his fingers*

Time to create a shell. Time to hide my feelings away in a bottle and toss it out to sea since it's too much for some people. It's kinda funny. Lately the only person who gives two shits how I feel is my brother. This man is one of the most self centered people I know. Literally if it doesn't effect him directly, most of the time he doesn't care. Like he gives zero fucks. For some reason though he's been trying to help me through this. Giving me space when I need it but still keeping me company if I don't want to be alone. He's actually been really cool but I think it's time to stop showing my feelings. I wouldn't want to "whine" too much and be "childish" or anything.

I forgot how awesome Advent Children is! Sephiroth is a fucking badass. I want Clouds Buster Sword though. That would look wicked hanging on my wall. That movie is great. If you havent seen it you are missing out. Especially if you loved Final Fantasy 7 as much as I did and still do.

Today sucked. Last night sucked. Suckage is just floating around lately. I wish i could to sleep and not wake up for a couple of months. Thatd be just fine with me. Fml.

Movie night. I'm going to finally watch Ted and rewatch Advent Children. I have been putting these two off for a while. Advent Children for literally years because i promised someone I'd watch them with her and not until. Seeing as she flat out told me theres no chance of us getting back togeher and shes gone on to watch movies we were supposed to see together before we even broke up, I feel its fine to watch them now. I hate how sentimental I am sometimes. I wish shit didnt mean as much to me as it does. Oh well right? Endure and Survive.

So I finally got the Platinum Trophy for The Last of Us. Go me. That 100% looks so nice until they go and release the Dlc and add more trophies to change that percentage. I really like this game and it is one of the platinums I'm most proud of. It wasn't insanely difficult or took super long but the game itself is so great I'm proud to have completed it fully without glitches or anything. Totally worth it. /rant.

One trophy away from the plat for The Last of Us. Finally on the home stretch. This one is a long time comming but honestly the online hated me. Not only did I suck at it for most of my play time with it but I also kept getting placed in late games where it was like 4-19 with 3 minutes left. When this happened all but once ended in defeat for my team. Oh well. All thats left now is to upgrade all my weapons. I somehow missed that one on normal AND normal + but for the life of me I cant see how. Next is Diablo 3 since I'm two away for that plat. Feel free to add me on psn. Trophy card is in my profile at the bottom but its the same name I use here. Happy late christmas you lot. Even though people dont read this. Heh.

Endure and survive. Endure and fucking survive. I need to keep remembering that. I think I'll get it tattood or something. First priority when I get a job; fancy The Last of Us tattoo. Go me.

Time to lose myself in my own version of therapy. Video games. If anyone wants to get a hold of me I'll be on psn. But no one will so I don't even know why I'm writing this. Pfft. Too bad. It's here so #dealwithit

My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My heart. My whole mental nervous system. Ugh. Im so sick of feeling sad. Thats all i feel now that she took the hope away. Sadness. Im a pathetic loser. Go me.

I haven't had a day this bad in a long time. My life just keeps getting worse. Sometimes I feel like it's okay but most of the time I just wish I had never been born. This world would be a much better place without me tbh. I feel like I've caused so many people so much harm it's not funny. I don't try to hurt people. I try so hard to do good. I try and help and make people happy but in the end I always seem to fail. I can't do anything right and it sucks. It sucks and it hurts. Life hurts. I'm sick of hurting. So I might not be on here for a while. I might just go away and live like a hermit. Sometimes that sounds so nice. To disappear and not come back. If I were one of Anne Rice's vampires I'd dig a hole and go to sleep for centuries. Then when I woke up I might not hurt anymore and maybe the people I care about can live a happier life without me always ruining things. I cause people harm. I'm no good for anyone. I'm like a cancer eating away at this world and all the inhabitants. I'm like acid dissolving every good thing a person has going for them. I'm horrible. I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done. I'm so sorry I wake up every morning. I'm so sorry I cause so much destruction. I'm so sorry I'm not great. I'm a no body who hurts all he comes into contact with. I'm nothing. Nothing but pain. Suffering, Darkness. I'm the lone demon come to cut out the hearts of children. I shouldn't exist. Maybe if I had never got on this site she would have been happier. Maybe if she had never met me she'd be content. I caused her so much harm and all I wanted to do was love her. That's all. That's every single thing I wanted to do in one complete sentence. I wanted to love her. But alas it wasn't meant to be. I ruined her life. I closed so many doors. She could have been happy if it weren't for me! I hate myself. I hate everything I am and everything I stand for. I hope the world can move on after everything I've wrought. I hope she finds peace and happiness. I hope hes everything I wasn't and everything and all things she needs. I hope she becomes truly happy. I hope I don't wake up tomorrow.

I hope he is worth it.

Ugh. Today. I don't even know about today. I slept 3 hours on and off in like 20 minute incriments. It kinda sucked. On the plus side I got one of my missing trophies on The Las of Us. I've been playing the multiplayer the last couple of days and I got my clan population to 40 or more. Go me. It's decently fun to play the multiplayer but I will say the amount of flamethrower and molotav killings going on is insane. Fire pretty much insta kills you in TLoU multiplayer. I also got a trophy for completing and winning a game of survivor and supply raid modes. So it wasn't all for nothing. Props and cool points if you get the reference. As for the rest of the day, I'm rereading Eragon. I almost forgot how much I like that book. So yeah thats my day. Go me or something like that.

I want to take this time to thank you for such an awesome weekend last. It was such a refreshing and much appreciated experience. I missed spendng time wth you like that. I missed telling jokes and laughing with you. I appreciate the gifts you sent. I totally didnt expect it. Thank you for making this past weekend the best Ive had in a while. I only hope I can give you that back one day.

Sleep is having trouble finding me tonight. Part of me is greatful because of the dreams but honestly? I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep very much last night and I woke up super early and the night before last I kept waking up. So I'm really tired. Here's to a dreamless night brought on by sheer exhaustion. Woot woot. Or something like that.

Stupid dreams. Why do you haunt me? Why must you be lurking around every corner like a demon waiting to smite every ounce of energy out of me? Why do you creep up on me, at random times, seeking my destruction? I hate dreaming now. It used to be a pleasant thing, filled with possibilities and hope. Now its a curse, these dreams because given my current record they seem to somehow come true. I wish I could go back to having happy dreams involving picnics and waterfalls instead of unknown faces taunting me about my biggest fears all the while escaping, holding hands with half of my soul. I hate these dreams. I hate them. I hate them, not so much because of their content, but for the fact they tend to take physical shape lately. If they were just dreams I could handle them but I can't help but feel like they're something more, subconsiously preparing me for the inevitable.

I just now got the trophy for hearing all the optional conversations on The Last of Us. I'm now at 58%. The only ones I have left now is upgrading all the weapons (missed it by five damned points on normal.) the hard plus and survivor plus (working on those now just met Henry and Sam on Survivor plus) and the multiplayer ones which I haven't started yet because I don't know why. Heh. So go me and whatevers.

Tonight I'm going to try and draw a bit. I haven't drawn anything in ages. I need to get back into it. I was never good, I just drew to keep my hands busy but I think I'll give it another go. After all I can't do much worse than terrible right?

It's been years and years since I've felt this way. It's both scary and weird to me. I forgot what it was like and I seriously didn't miss it. I honestly thought I'd never feel it again but boy was I wrong. I don't remember how to deal with it but maybe that's the point. Before I never dealt with it. I just swept it under the rug. I must have figured all relationships were like that so, to me anyway, nothing was out of the norm. Until I met her. Then I realized there was so much more. I'll have to figure out how I did it before. I need to. Because how I did it before is key. Ignorance is bliss. Part of me wishes I had ignorance mastered so I could turn it on at a moments notice. The other part knows that won't solve anything. I'm going to have to get used to being alone. Maybe that's what I'm destined for.