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I want so be a better person. To often I avoid people, without knowing them to prevent myself from getting hurt. I still won't trust people; I'll just be nicer. Lets see how long it takes before someone tries to walk over me- again.

I have made a list of all my fears. I have 17. Among the list is being a horrible person. (Do not mistake this to mean I do not want to be seen as horrible person. I could care about who sees me as what.)

That is all.

Any suggestions?

I'm so siced right now!!!

I got my new computer mouse since my last one worked for a year before malfunctioning.

My grandparents came to visit; however, it was hilarious how fast they retreated back to home when we were forecasted to get 6 inches of snow here. We only actually accumulated less than an inch. I hope they come back soon. My grandparents are much nicer than my parents; they don't yell as much, and when I fail they're pretty supportive. If I were to get a C, my parents will go on for months about how lazy they think I am. My grandmom would just say something along the lines of: "I know you can do it. Do better next time. Don't give up..."



Anywho..



On Christmas eve's dinner I've got complements on the sweet potato pie that my mom mostly made. My mom was like I did all the work, but if she wasn't there telling me what to do that pie would've been wrong.



My mom also made potato salad, mac & cheese, and stuffing with the tofu chik'n strips. My dad did homemade rolls and fried the turkey.

When the rolls came out the oven me and my sisters + my brother in law were all waiting to "taste test." His rolls = magic.



For Christmas, I received:

1. Eminems cd

2. Nightlight(the twilight parody)

3. Dark is Rising (random book with pretty cover; hopefully it's interesting..)

4. $110 total in gift cards

5. a bandanna



I gave my older sister and her husband chocolate and a 2011 calender. I gave my younger sister a poster of Johnny depp as the mad hatter. I gave my dad a portable cd carrying case because he keeps them in his truck and they tend to get scratched up there. I got my mom a calender a calender with lighthouses(because she seems to be obsessed with them.)



My older sister expects me to babysit my nephew. I really really really don't want to be stuck with him. He's 5 and terrible. My mom is like: How are you going to have children if you can't control them?

For absolutely one thing, I NEVER said I wanted children. I haven't even finished school. I want to travel and do stuff. Don't punish me by making me babysit the boy for free.



I downloaded the entire Ink Dot Boy cd. I listened; now I will delete about 70% of it.

I'm in love with Pandora radio. Maybe something is wrong with me.

So apparently, I'm not doing everything I can to get a scholarship. I'm not working hard enough. I'm not using all of my resources.

Is there a resource that I missed. Every scholarship I've applied to up until now counts for nothing.

Being a constant presence in the admissions office, advisor's office, and honors program coordinator's office for advice means nothing. My obsession with letter grades has been all for nothing.

I've been planning my escape to a school not too far from here for two- no,wait- three years now.

I tell you this is where I want to go. ALL of my classes will transfer here. You tell me it's too far. Then you go a rant about how I hate public/community bathrooms.

Don't you think I have the very same problem with the school you want me to go too? You say "Yeah, but you'll coming home everyday." Part of me died a little when he said that. Gosh, nooooooooooooooo! I might visit sometimes on the weekends but I was looking forward to escaping. My mom was like I'm not capable of living alone. There's crime. I was like there is crime at the school I'm attending now. WE HAVE CRIME RATES. That happens everywhere, doesn't it? It's not possible to be totally crime free wherever there are people.

As for scholarships, I can't explain why I haven't acquired a transfer scholarship, yet. I keep trying.

To my parents, student loans are the devil incarnate. Unless I have a scholarship/grant of some sort, they- my parents, I mean- are going to make me miserable. I like some aspects of school, but everything else is pure misery.

I told my grandfather that I don't want to be filthy rich. Everyone in the room looked at me like I did something wrong. As long as I'm not dirt poor, I'll be OK. I guess that's not how you achieve in life.

I guess I fail at life.

Total Lunar Eclipse Tomorrow Morning!!



http://www.nasa.gov/topics/solarsystem/features/eclipse/dec20-21_eclipse.html?sms_ss=facebook&at_xt=4d0fe3e8833b3b46%2C0

‎3.061; Definitely not above 3.5. Goal failure. Guess I'll have to try harder next semester.

Day 2 of dieting.

My dad keeps nagging me: You're going to starve yourself. You're not going to lose any weight.

Eating 1500 calories a day is not starving.

Eating healthier foods are supposed to be good.

Mood: Frustrated. Why can't everyone be pleased at the same time, for once? I want to be invisible, for maybe a day or two.

COMMENTS

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MyArmyLife
02:37 Dec 20 2010

If you don't do anything all day, 1000 calories would actually be okay. If you exercise A LOT you can eat up to 2500 calories and be fine. We learned basic stuff in our boot camp about nutrition so we'd know what we were getting during training. Learned more being a medic. :)

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My doctor told me I was 20 pounds too many; now I just feel fat...

I'm pretty sure when you go on a diet, you're not supposed to feel hungry all the time. Wait, are you? I'm hungry.

If you eat too little, you don't lose weight.

If you eat too much, you gain.

I've up-ed my water intake and all of that stuff.

To make matters worse, my mom cooked today. Her cooking is like magic; yeah, it's that good.

COMMENTS

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MyArmyLife
01:17 Dec 18 2010

Eat small meals throughout the day and drink a lot of water. Also, cut back on salt and caffeine. It'll help you drop weight as well as lower your blood pressure. :) You don't really have to watch what you eat, just how much. And most people aren't hungry all the time, they're thirsty. Your body doesn't know how to convey the difference so it tells you that you're hungry. Also, you tend to think you're hungry if you're bored or sitting around. It's a movement thing. Your body likes to keep busy.

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What have I learned today? Well, actually it would be yesterday considering the time.



1. People from Brazil do not speak Brazilian. They speak Portuguese. I feel like an idiot for not knowing this. Here, we never say americans speak american. Everyone knows canadians don't speak canadian. Is Spain the odd ball? They speak spanish. But where does that leave mexico and guatamala. Maybe this isn't meant to be understood.



2. If it snows in maryland, we're some what used to it. If it snows in north carolina, you're looking at a boat load of car/human collision wreckage. Just an observation...

My mom calls my brother in law the north-carolina-snow-chicken because they don't typically get snow down there.



3. Look on the back of a 5$ bill and you'll see the number 172 near the bushes. Is it strange that I noticed that?? :(



4. i is an upside-down !



5. I should take a typing class because apparently I only do 35 wpm.



That is all, unless you want a list of ideas of the things I came up with in the last hour. Most of them don't make any logical sense...but they entertain me, at least.

COMMENTS

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MyArmyLife
01:19 Dec 18 2010

I can do just over 200 words a minute. :D We had to take a typing course in the 7th grade and then refresh every year after that. I took to it like you wouldn't believe and I HATE computers! *laughs*

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That is all.

"Baby, It's Cold Outside" is a date rape song.



"Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer" is just plain sadistic. If you watch the movie, they just watched. I was amused by the Grandpa's reaction. He practically jumped for joy. Strangely enough, no one went to go help her.



"Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer"...are there 8 or 9 deer?? Make up your mind!





"What Child id This?" I love the instrumental for this song. Leave out the singing, of course. I'm going to play this on my clarinet and sound record it.



Unfinished..

I have not talked to you in awhile intentionally. I don't know why I chatted with you today. The end result was me recalling why I quit talking to you in the first place. *sigh*



After each final I take a new boulder is removed. Suddenly, I cant think straight and breath again.

Only two more to go..

Then maybe I can finish bugging my dad about finishing the 60hrs of supervised driving. At the current rate, getting my license will take forever.

about taking a final is right before you get the test. I nearly vomited today.

After you get the test you're either relieved, or like "Oh crap, I failed this ish." Thankfully on both my exams today it the relief reaction.

2 finals down. 3 more to go..

Is this normal? A teacher I had last semester added me on facebook.

I have 2 finals tmmw.

eerie is coming.

it's 30 min. past midnight. I had a great birthday. I have no idea why I'm still awake. I can't sleep; it's not like I haven't tried- I lied down and daydreamed for a good 2 hours, before cutting on the computer out of boredom...

The countdown...45 min. to my birthday...I'm excited as I am bored.

Problem Resolved. Don't expect to see me online much for the next 2 weeks because final exam week is nearing and I must stuff my brain with as much info as possible between now and then. After I'm done, expect a bit of laziness...



I have a headache. Oh,well.. :(

I need advice.

I need to take:

biology honors (4 credits)

organic chemistry(4 credits)

psychology honors(3 credits)

college level algebra(3 credits).

That's 14 credits total. I'm already taking 15 credits right now with 2 honors classes and I'm managing that, but barely..

Should I go ahead and apply for an english class(3 credits) that I need, or take it during the summer(and have to pay for it out my own pocket)? If I do take it and can't handle the work load, does dropping a class look that bad on your transcripts? (I've never dropped a class before.)

It's hard to notice because it creeps up so slowly. There were signs: "Something's not right," but who listens to those? Let the tension build. I walked right into it: the dizzying web of disorientation. It lays

waiting to destroy you so you don't take you last breath. This descent ends.

To the blind optimist:

Acknowledge, and breath freely again.