Catching up--in sections08:46 Sep 05 2008
Times Read: 1,136
I really need to keep up with my journal. One day goes into another and I get so behind....on journaling AND reading my list of favs. Sorry! I appreciate you stopping by mine. I do the same when I can.
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I watched Sophie's Choice again the other night. It's such a good movie. And it reminded me of when Mom and I watched it last year or the year before, when I stayed a week with her in the summer. We did that sometimes. I would go over and stay a week and we would hang out. We would go shopping, and go eat out. Us stuff. We would watch Rosanne, and other stuff, and talk philosophy and gossip about celebs. I fucking miss her so much.
So Sophie's Choice is on and I start crying. It reminded me of the last time Mom and I watched it together and we cried, grabbing Kleenex, looking at each other with mascara and tear stained faces.
I tried to talk to Mom with the Ouija by myself. I couldn't. No answer back. I have never been able to use the board by myself and I feel stupid asking Danny or Harmony.
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Weekend before this last....Danny's uncle Vic had a garage sale. He is notorious for not selling shit because he won't put a garage sale price on it, even though HE got it at a garage sale. This time was no exeption.
Vic is a hoarder. He has many storage units rented, plus his whole house full. He has so much. He THINKS he is going to retire on all this shit. And while he does have some nice things here and there in the mix, he also has a ton of shit that really needs to be thrown away and not haggled with for an extra 1.00 or .50 cents. So Danny and I were telling people .25 when he wasn't around to try to get more. He did walk up after we sold some odd contraption for buttons and when he found out we sold it for a quarter, oh, you could just tell it was eating him up! HA...he didn't even know what it was. But HE KNEW it was worth 2.00 dollars since someone wanted it. Otherwise, it would have sat in a box, lost in the pile of crap.
See, he buys boxes of stuff for a buck for one item he wanted, and puts the box in the storage, not taking out the item he wanted or throwing the other shit away. Hence, his dilemma now.....a mess.
Danny took stuff over there too to sell. I priced things pretty damn cheap. Movies were 25 cents and it ate Vic up. Oh he wanted them to be at least 50 cents. So we said, "Ok, Vic, 25 cents for everyone but you. You pay 50.". He did end up with a stack of movies, but we didn't charge him.
We did sell the rims/wheels that were on Harmony's Jeep. We had changed the wheels back to the original Jeep wheels and decided we might as well sell the BOSS ones. They made the Jeep ride rough anyway. So we sold them to some Mexican gents for $300. Vic wanted us to sell them for more, but shit, we really needed the money. Especially since we were so broke, because Schwans changed the pay period to every two weeks now instead of weekly. And it has really fucked us up. We have been paid weekly for 13 years and all of a sudden we have to figure all this out. And for some reason, it seems we are more broke this way. $100 for 2 weeks to live on after bills, is just not really possible for 3 people to live on. Fuck.
We sold the wheels, though I haven't told my dad yet. I hope to avoid that awhile longer. =
Vic made verrrrrrrrrrrry little. We, on the other hand, sold more and whew! So glad we did. But what do we do THIS week to live on? Pfft......
There was a guy at the garage sale that also paints. Vic took him aside and asked what it would cost to paint the old building, because the owner was wanting it painted and Vic wanted the job. I went over where the guy was and he was like, "Well, it's going to take quite a bit, because the wood is in bad shape in places.". I said, "Yea, you can't really polish a turd, huh?". He laughed and said, "I've never heard a woman talk like that before.". HA......Hmm...I said, "Well, I am not like many other women.".
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Still drinking the apple cider vinegar. Eh, I am not losing weight. I have lost an inch maybe, around my hips......maybe......and half an inch in waist. It's not a fast loss like some have...if any. I wanted to lose about 5 pounds. JUST 5 FUCKING POUNDS! Gawd......
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I really did like New Orleans and it made an impression on me. My mind keeps going back. I also keep thinking of the people of Rave that I met and there are a few that just stick in my mind and I keep replaying the trip.
I am glad that I was able to get past most of my panic attack anxiety and enjoy myself and I really want to go back. There won't be as much anxiety this time, most likely, because I won't be meeting people for the first time, and I know what to expect, more than last time. I have New Orleans with me.
But you know, I have always been drawn to New Orleans. I have wanted to go there for YEARS.
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We went to Mom and Dad's for the Labor Day weekend. It was supposed to be my brother Josh's birthday weekend too, but he didn't show up. He was mad because we didn't ask him about it or mention it til the last minute, as in that day. He lives 45 minutes away. It's not like he has to get a plane ticket or reserve seats somewhere. We are 3 hours away.
Anyway, he didn't go. He said he had plans and a PPV event ordered. We went though and hung out with Dad and my other brother Justin. You guys met him in New Orleans. Odd I can say that!
Neil went to Mom and Dad's too and Jason, a friend of ours.
Dad was a bit let down that Josh didn't show up. Dad said, "I didn't think we had to ask him to come!". We always get together for bdays.
Dad has been off work for about 6 weeks now, because he hurt his back. He is in a new type of physical therapy a few times a week.
I knew Dad wanted us to come over, and that was never really the case before Mom passed. We were always an inconvenience to him and "ate his food", even though we brought food, bought food, took Mom and bros out to eat, and when we got food stamps years ago, we used them to buy them food when we were over there, JUST so we wouldn't hear the "eating their food" kind of shit. He would say, "Well, nice to see you, but, uh, we don't have a lot of money now...", coming from someone that made around $80,000 plus a year. Ok, so that's that.............then.........
Now, since Mom has passed, he has realized that he loves his kids and wants to be around them more. As soon as Mom passed, actually, he held tight to us and was so sensitive, etc.. Now I knew he was, and we had our moments, but for the most part, Dad had his own thing going on. It's just like that song, "Cats in the cradle", except I went over there when he wanted me to. But not always. I can't always.
While we were there, on Saturday, Dad was gone, trying out the truck he converted. Yes, he has converted the old 1986 truck to run on water/hydrogen! From his calculations, he got 105 miles to the gallon that day on his trial run! 105!
I called him to see where he was, and he was in Nowata, a town about 20 minutes away, and having those "episodes" again. It's hard to explain, but he gets dizzy, his equilibrium off, and is in a haze, loses time, gets extremely weak and memory is off. Then, as he is coming out of it, he starts sweating profusely, soaking his clothes. The pulse doesn't go up and I am not sure of the BP. It's odd. But, he had this a few months ago, had testing done and they couldn't find a reason. He snapped out of it a few days later and was better.....until Saturday. He said it started at 4:30am that morning and had happened on and off all day, progressively getting worse.
Dad made it back home, but almost an hour later. I should have taken him in that day, to the ER. But he wanted to wait and see what would happen. He had them every few minutes and I would write them down. He went to bed, and tried to sleep it off.
He had it the next day, on and off as well, but not quite as bad. Justin had gotten a job in Norman and was taking off that night, Sunday, though he could have waited a day, but didn't. He wanted to get out of there before we left, because we were supposed to go home. But we decided we couldn't leave Dad there alone with this going on. Danny, Neil and I went to the store and got some veges, steak and bread sticks. Dad needed some better food than what Justin was fixing.....too much grease and salt. We don't even have grease and salt in my house. haha....
We left the next day, Monday, and felt bad about leaving him there, alone, just as we had to do with Mom so many times before. This is Dad's first time of being alone....ever. And even though he and Mom didn't get along, she was there. Was. Now Dad will experience what Mom did, being out there in the middle of nowhere, all alone, with nothing to do. He has already said stuff about going crazy if he didn't have the pc and I have told him that that's how Mom was out there, lonely wanting to be closer to us, her family.
*sigh*
But he wouldn't move her.
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Dad had tests ran the other day, to see what's going on. The dr. said it could be anything from a virus to a brain tumor. They don't know. And since it's easing up, it's going to be harder to detect it now. I should have made him go in Saturday! Damnit.
He had a cat scan today. Tomorrow he goes to the dr. to find out some results. I hope so anyway.
When all the episodes were happening, I hugged him and we went back to Mom's room, which is now his room.....well, it's still Mom's room. He layed down and I sat with him, and then layed a bit sideways, holding his hand and touching his chest. It was weird. It was weird my Dad being so vulnerable, and me assuring him. It was weird him being so kind and sweet and scared. I knew he was scared. He said that he loved me so much. He knew he hadn't told me enough and he said that I was a good person. Wow. And that was foreign to me, hearing good things about myself from him. I didn't know what to say except thank you and kept holding his hand. He called some of his friends and told them they were good friends in case he didn't make it. He said that he told Mom after she passed that he would see her soon and that if this is his time to go, he is ready to go.
But today, he retracted that and said that he wasn't ready to go, that he had a garage or tool shed to build, in addition to the one he just built.
See, Dad has always been on the go, always fixing things, always building things, always working in the yard, if he wasn't working.....you know, running from himself, like so many. And with his back down, he can't do shit and that is hard for him, and for the rest of us. Now, though, he is alone out there. I email him though all the time to check in and he writes back. I also talk to him on the phone. It drives Danny crazy to listen to the conversations with me and Dad though, because Dad talks over me. So I start a sentence and then get stopped.
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My front tooth has been hurting. When I breathe in, and drink cold stuff. It hurts like a mofo. Now I have good teeth and always have had. But I also worry about them and have nightmares about them. I THINK that the whitening toothpaste has taken some of the enamel off my teeth. =( Now what?! Fuck. I have seen some people's front teeth just turn brown and die! Oh please let my teeth be ok.
This started before the vinegar, I am pretty sure of.
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I wasn't going to vote this time, but since I have seen Sarah Palin, I am. I am voting for her ticket. I have seen all John McCain went through when he was a prisoner, for the USA. Man, he sure went through some shit. And though he looks like a turtle, I trust he will protect our country and not raise taxes like Obama will.
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In a week, it will be a year ago that Mom went to the hospital the first time for what she was going through.
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Danny didn't want to go to Mom and Dad's because of Mom not being there and it still being hard for us to go there. He did a lot of crying there. It WAS hard. Danny and I do a lot of grieving still. Dad said he thinks about her all the time too.
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I am so glad the New Orleans peeps are ok! Yay, it's still there and all it's history!
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We are giving our Buick to a couple that we see walking by our house quite often. We gave them a ride one day and we told them that we had a car if they wanted it.
They were excited about it and then we found out that they didn't drive. Ugh...and also, one of them is realllllllllllllllly slow. Danny said he looked at the guy in the rear view mirror and he was looking around the back seat, like he had never been in a car before.
When we got to their house, around the corner from ours, we thought the house was a condemned one.
So we got a battery from them today, because ours was shot. Now we have to get a bolt for it and start it up. It needs some vaccuming, because it got wet inside and moldy.
The mother of the woman has congestive heart failure. I was saddened to hear this and it took me back to my Mom, that had it diagnosed last September, 2007....yea, this month.
So anyway, we have to get the stereo out too, because I still want it, and the speakers. They can get some for it though. =)
A few people told us we could get a reciept and use it as a write off on our taxes, but we are like, eh, nah.
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