Jamie's Vampire Journal | ~Musings in Life~

Jamie's Journal

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Just an update
10:36 Jul 15 2009
Times Read: 709

In the past month or so I have had a very hard time with things. I have been dealing with panic attacks and daily "keeping shit together". I seem to be stuck in a highly sensitized state, due to I guess, still bereavement over my Mom and now changes with Harmony, our daughter. I think I am going through some empty nest stuff. She isn't gone but is gone much more and it's not with a guy that will help and take care of her.

I think of you guys even though I can't be here when I want to. I just hope you don't forget about me. I come when I can. Well, my internet has been giving problems too, on and off lately.

I am trying so hard to be ok, to normalize. I just don't know if I can do it completely without starting up on an anti-depressant again. They do help with anxiety, but not at first. No, at first they make it worse and if you have taken them before, the side effects suck bigtime and sometimes don't go away. PLUS, what they do to you over long term, and some just stop and you have to go through withdrawls for weeks or months, and then relapse only to find that you can't take the same one that worked before, because now your chemistry has changed and now it only hurts you.

This I have found out the hard way...with Lexapro. It DID help, and it made it possible to go to New Orleans to see many of you. But weight gain made me stop. This next one will be Zoloft. I have it filled and sitting in my fridge, but I just don't want to start the roller coaster and it makes me cry. I read all I can about success stories, but I know the drill. SSRIs are about the same.

So in the meantime, I am taking Xanax and Benedryl everyday, every few hours. I go out and run quick errands with Danny (not alone) after mellowing out when I wake. I have to wonder about how long I can do it this way.

There are many times during the day/evening when life is wonderful and I feel very alive, and grateful and relaxed. Yea, when my shit kicks in. ha. Not just then, but at night when the sky is so vast and clear, moon bright and a warm breeze blowing in my face. It feels wonderful.