The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The scene opens with a flimsy castle made of cardboard in the centre of the stage. The fat man wearing the dress comes out from behind it, now wearing a long blonde wig, false eyelashes and terrible makeup with bright red lipstick smeared across his face. The effect is set off nicely from the three day old stubble adorning his face. He pulls out a giant sword from behind his back and tries to raise it into the air before the weight of it makes him fall backwards into the castle, crushing it in the progress. He quickly gets up again and brushes himself down with the grace of a diva before continuing.



"I am the wawwior pwincess Daisy. A gwave tewwor has befallen our land and the call has gone out to all the hewoes to come and slay the menacing dwagon that has been tewwowising my people. Whoever doth slay the dwagon will wecieve my hand in mawwiage!"



A hissed argument offstage can be clearly heard.



"...I don't care if he is DEAD! We need him on stage now!"



The diva continues, trying not to look flustered as he adlibs.



"Whoever slayeth the dwagon will wecieve my hand in mawwiage... I am the most beautiful pwincess in all the lands. Talented with song, dance and gifted in the arts of love."



"What the hell was he thinking; no one eats at a seafood buffet for gods sake! Who is the understudy? Get them out there now!"



The fairly obvious woman with the fake moustache is pushed out onto the stage in a hastily pinned on cloak. She looks shocked for a moment but then pulls herself together and joins in the performance.



"I am the brave Sir Knight. I will save your kingdom for you!" She pauses, looking at the princess before continuing, "Though marriage? Why be so hasty, a ...beauty such as yourself should have the pick of all the handsome princes in the world."



"Stick to the script!"



She hisses back from the stage, "I am not bloody kissing him! He will slip me the tongue, I know it!"



She returns to acting, trying to avoid the lewd glances and kissing faces the princess is making at her.



"Let us go forth on our flying mounts that we may slay the dragon!"



Two dwarves run onto the stage and hook ropes to the belts of the princess and the knight, handing them two cardboard winged unicorns to 'ride' before running back to the side of the stage to start hoisting. The woman performs excellently, making the crowd gasp with delight as she performs a graceful backflip on the rope. The princess is less fortunate however, with the team of dwarves manning the rope being unable to hoist him more than an inch from the ground.



"Bloody hell Edward, I thought you were on a diet!"



Several more stagehands run to man the princess rope and they eventually succeed in getting the princess to the same height as the knight, though with considerably less grace as he is hanging there like a limp pinata, red in the face and sweating profusely. He hisses back to the rope crew, "I am big boned dammit! Big boned!"



A large cardboard dragon with crossed eyes is wheeled out onto the stage accompanied by a rather overenthusiastic "RAAAAAAARRRRR!" from backstage. The effect is made complete with a smoke machine inside the dragon, causing thick choking smoke to billow from its nose. The backstage voice continues.



"I AM THE MIGHTY DRAGON OF CATHETER AND I PLAN ON BURNING THIS WHOLE KINGDOM TO THE GROUND!"



The knight swoops down with more perfectly executed aerial manoeuvres, causing many Ooohhhs and Ahhhs from the crowd. She strikes a heroic pose and waves the sword above her head. The princess is lowered down slightly so that he can strike the killing blow. The sweat on his hands however has made the sword handle slippery and it ends up flying from his grip, hitting one of the dwarves manning his rope in the face. The dwarf lets out a scream, immediately releasing the rope. As a result, the other eleven dwarves holding the rope are immediately pulled into the air as the princess plummets down onto the dragon. The cardboard immediately buckles under his weight, flinging him backwards so his legs are in the air and his underwear is on sight for all to see. The laughter from the crowd quickly changes to cries of dismay and pained expressions as they realise that he is wearing lacy thong underwear.



In the meantime the smoke machine, unused to such punishment, starts to sputter and spark under the weight of the princess. The smoke starts to billow out, this time black and acrid as the machine bursts into flames. This immediately ignites the dress of the princess and he jumps up with a hideous screech and runs across the stage and sprints out into the garden at the back of the pub, hurling himself into the pond to extinguish the flames.



The Knight groans and covers her eyes as the dragon catches fire. Then, knowing that the show must always go on, she again strikes a flamboyant pose.



"BEHOLD! THE WICKED DRAGON HAS BEEN VANQUISHED AT THE HANDS OF THE FAIR PRINCESS DAISY!"



The crowd applaud wildly, a few of them now toasting marshmallows on the remains of the dragon.