The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The joys of home ownership.
00:40 Jul 31 2008
Times Read: 1,365

So, we have discovered the reason behind the unholy blockage of doom in the kitchen waste pipe. After using two industrial strength drain cleaners on that puppy, we finally stood back and decided to look at the waste pipe itself. It seems that the original kitchen fitters had a really strange idea of water flow, since our waste pipe actually flows upwards. The U bend goes down quite a way, and then the waste water has to flow up a 40 or so degree angle! This explains why the waste from the washing machine inevitably goes up into the kitchen sink first, and why the government workmen from when this was a rented house used to sigh and tut about how these flats had been built.



I have averted disaster tonight fortunately. My DIY genius husband had decided that it was a five minute job with a hole saw to realign the pipe. I thought about this for a moment and worked out a few scenarios in my mind.



1. The pipe is currently full of high strength caustic drain cleaner.

2. My husband, while wonderful in many ways, is not historically great at DIY.

3. I can't drive him to the hospital.

4. I can't drag his ass into the bath to get the caustic drain cleaner out of his face and off his skin.

5. I am not sure what the ambulances are like at this time of night.

6. In the meantime the waste and burny shit will be pissing all over my floor unchecked.



So instead, I have convinced him to wait until I have cleared out the kitchen. This means that his parents will be here by then and his father can at the very least supervise him while his mother warms up the car for the drive to the hospital.



In the meantime I am going to try to chill and get on with my uber big horrible scary painting project, and hope that home owning doesn't get any worse than this. We have had one waste water and two clean water floods already in the past year, one of which has wrecked the floor, I have to organise a gas safety check on the heating system which I am convinced will end up with us having it condemned because the universe has it in for me this year, and the house seems to have become a haven for every winged bug in existence. If anyone here is into bugs, come to my home sometime. You will probably find a hitherto undiscovered species somewhere in the zoo that has taken up refuge in my bathroom.

Zzzz
00:01 Jul 30 2008
Times Read: 1,384

Today I have been feeling pretty burned out. It seems like everything that could go wrong has. Therefore, earlier, I decided the day was a bust and went to bed. It is amazing what a few stolen hours of sleep in the middle of the day can do.



I woke up feeling rested and happy, grabbed some fresh (free) grapes out of the fridge, some oatmeal cookies and coffee and am now back to painting in a much better mood.



The grapes were free, along with fresh mushrooms, because for a change the food delivery service fucked up in my favour. I got everything I ordered plus those two items. I didn't realise til about half an hour after the driver left, so I figure I am keeping them to make up for the cherries they lost from my order the time before last:P

Weightloss Challenge
21:13 Jul 28 2008
Times Read: 1,410

Yargh, back up to 267, but I am bloating like a mofo with water at the moment so it isn't from me being piglike. I know my weight seems to yoyo a lot, but it does get lower every time so I am still confident that I will make my goal. I also now have rockbreaker leg muscles, and when time permits I will be going to the gym to work on the rest of me.



I am working on a really huge, huge project at the moment which is consuming my time almost wholesale and a personal important one that is eating up the rest of it. I also have an annoying hip injury which has prevented me from using the dreadmill, but as soon as that is done with I will be back on track with a vengeance:)

Dying here:D
08:34 Jul 25 2008
Times Read: 1,525

I have just finished reading Occams latest journal entry and I swear I nearly voided my bladder all over my chair. I don't think I have laughed this hard in months. I guess I haven't been treating him right because he was bored enough to actually go trawling journals for entertainment.



It is extremely educational too! I have discovered something amazing. If you have enough medical complaints, people will give you stuff for free!



I am seriously sick, woe is me, pity me! Since I am way too sick to make it to the door to collect parcels of goodies though, send them along to Jo's centre instead:) I will reap good karma for just existing.



Did I mention I am seriously sick? I have it on good authority that I will die one day:( Your gifts are the only thing that will stop me from cutting myself I swear. Woe:(

It returns...
23:25 Jul 21 2008
Times Read: 1,572

I hear the thumbcat hurling itself against my window with regular determined thumps. He has been doing it for the last ten minutes. I know it is him because I hear the bell around his neck. He will be thwarted tonight as my windows are firmly shut, though I really wouldn't put it past the little bastard to find a brick and throw it through.



I may have to flip through the Wil E Coyote ACME catalogue and pick out some nifty and overly complicated traps. Perhaps some turret guns and landmines would be in order too.

Spam Poetry
01:26 Jul 21 2008
Times Read: 1,597

I liked this one so much I have decided to keep it:)







>:-(





Hej,





How to keep your girlfriend happy ...



Click here



In the table is unchanged. Andolians. Pagealmond as should

show her at once he was in possession on as best i could,

come what might. Wild animalsan wonderful but dangerous

lay before us. Creeping he nominated himself for the hall

of fame and would never marry him. This evening he had his

of patronage: our friend arthur liked to do everything he

received. As his friend complied, poirot shook came after

that of stephen babbington. Looking as a final salute, and

remain prostrate on the least to taunts which his proud

heart could ill when i thought how anxious you would all

be about while scott was thus discoursing, we were passing

ancient swordcut on the and bruised and bronzed, he was

standing now in captain trevelyan's study.

Poetry while walking:)
01:17 Jul 21 2008
Times Read: 1,610

Jo and Ockham were being my personal cheering squad while I was punishing myself on the dreadmill, and, as they are wont to do, the conversation turned poetic:)





There once was a girl with red hair,

Though it's not so red now, it's still fair,

And she walked like a queen,

And she became all lean,

And on her finger my heart she does wear,



Listen up, lass,

You must walk off that ass,

For the homeless of good old Orleans,

There is cash on your bum,

Walk walk walk! It's, uhm, fun?

And you're helping the poor by turning lean



There once was a girl named Nicky

Who walked very quickly

She moved her ass

To remove some mass

Damn, she’s a fine little chicky



I love that girl with all my heart

She gave the devil machine quite a start

She walked in her slippers

They have furry toe grippers

I may get myself a pair at Wal Mart



Oh god her bathroom blew up

And her husband flew up

Thank god, she exclaimed

No poo this time, she proclaimed

Last time so nawsty I threw up!



Ockham has a crush on our girl

He tries to make her head twirl

He’s pretty damn corny

And you should see him get horny

When she breathes heavy on her stationary whirl



Nicky eats yogurt and tacos

And oh god, her bathroom has back flows

She’ll get a kayak and paddle

While the rest of us twaddle

And damn her rack GOES!

Water World
21:10 Jul 20 2008
Times Read: 1,634

Today I am feeling strong enough to talk about my unexpected remodelling experience from a couple of days ago. The people who know me well know that I have not had the best of luck with bathrooms. We didn't have one at all for two and a half years (long story, not going there), we had a waste water flood in there that made me cry and vomit and a cold water pipe burst which caused a beautiful indoor water feature.



I thought all this was over now. I was wrong.



I was watching a movie with Ockham and was feeling pretty chilled and happy. The only thing that was marring it was that I desperately needed to pee, but didn't want to miss any of the movie. Therefore I waited til the credits and did my normal strangulated cry of "Need to peee! Be right back!"



I was not right back, I did not pee. Instead the whole street and at least part of America got to hear a strangulated scream as I stepped out into my hallway and fell into an unexpected water feature. This time the hot water pipe had burst and I was standing there, trembling, in the middle of a warm expanse of indoor swimming pool. This was at maybe 3am, and my husband shot out of bed like a greased whippet and dove under the sink to turn off the mains water. He is getting good at doing this for some reason.



Then we stood and surveyed the damage. Well, he surveyed anyways; I was staring blankly ahead of me as the water lapped around my toes, imagining for a moment that I was not in a flooded out flat in England. No, I was in Barbados, the water was a friendly sea and I was about to have a maitai. Unfortunately my husband snapped me out of this reverie and brought me abruptly back to reality. He could have waited for me to at least finish said maitai:(



I then remembered that I had got up for a reason in the first place, and had to shoo him out of the pseudo impluvium so that I could actually use it. I felt quite ridiculous sitting on my toilet while idly kicking my feet in the water, but life has to go on and my over tiny bladder waits for no man.



I have discovered a few things about getting water out of the house.



1. You can get a few gallons out of the front door with a normal broom.

2. A dustpan is really good for scooping up water from flat surfaces.

3. Every house needs to have a bucket.

4. A mop is bugger all use for emptying out what is essentially a fishpond sans fish.

5. Floods really do leave the floor looking very clean indeed.

6. Your feet get shiny too.

7. If you have a nice wood laminate floor that has been laid on top of padding, that padding acts as a wonderful incontinence pad. Unfortunately, every footstep on said floor after the surface appears to be dry, will pump several pints of locked in water into the kitchen.

8. Wood laminate does not dry so well. The laminate part decides that it would much prefer to escape its confines, see some of the world and attempt to peel away.



It is two days later and I am still wandering around forlornly picking up soaked towels and bits of paper that were probably once really important but now more resemble grey porridge pulp. Tomorrow I get to visit my insurance brokers and give them the bad news. I am probably going to need tranquillisers for my next insurance quote after this:P



On the very bright side, all the cleaning up in the aftermath of this is going to burn off precious, precious ass fat, so for all the people sponsoring me, be prepared for me to weigh about as much as a flea after this is all over:D

Weightloss Challenge
07:21 Jul 19 2008
Times Read: 1,659

My scales finally moved in the right direction!



260lbs! 20lbs down:D All this work is FINALLY paying off:D

Weightloss Challenge
14:01 Jul 14 2008
Times Read: 1,686

272 *grumble*



Calves of stone and thighs of steel though. I am going to do a hardcore revamp of my food habits to see if I can break this plateau. Normally I would be thrilled to be gaining this much muscle, but I am on a deadline here.



Sorry for no update yesterday, I am caught up in a really huge painting project that I am also on a deadline for. I will try to be more on time next week. I was still painting at 5am this morning! I wish that burned up lots of calories. My right arm would be an athlete in its own right by now:D

Weightloss semi update
11:42 Jul 12 2008
Times Read: 1,707

Ok, I have discovered something quite alarming to me. Walking several times a day on the doom mill has not helped me lose weight yet. What it has done is given me calf muscles you could break rocks on. I was admiring them for ten minutes in the shower.



I am going to assume that once my body has finished deciding to be Schwarznegger it will get round to dropping some of the poundage. To do otherwise would be a breach of the laws of science and nature.



It would also prove my long held theory that the universe is fuelled by schadenfreude.



Weight update tomorrow, for better or for worse:) Just trust me when I say I am absolutely not slacking:)

Damn...
20:34 Jul 11 2008
Times Read: 1,732

I am having the WORST day! It started last night and has slowly snowballed into a big heap of slurry. I think I could probably be snappish at Bambi right now.



The drier managed to break this morning, with my fucking bedsheets inside it. I now have to lay on a blanket until I can rig up some kind of line through the house. I have to wait til the 18th for the new one to arrive.



Every single muscle in my upper body has decided to spasm all at once, nearly every person with a couple of notable exceptions I have had to interact with today has been irritating, some bastard decided to do a knock and run on my window, the phone bill was huge and the bank account is not.



Even the goddamn scales refuse to budge in the right direction. I have been working on it I promise. Occam was giving me moral support on the treadmill this morning, making me picture a really hopeful commissar behind me as I walked.



I am thinking of filing this day under "complete fucking bust" and putting my energies into tomorrow instead. I am going to the cinema for the first time in forever (assuming we can find non damp pants for the husband creature since his jeans were in the fucking drier) and I am considering a day of doing nothing at all. Maybe a book or something as I laze on my unmade bed:)

Weightloss woo!
16:52 Jul 08 2008
Times Read: 1,767

Zilaheteb is going to sponsor me $1 a pound which brings my total up to $300. I need to get cracking some more with the treadmill!



Talking of the doom machine, I found out today that the husband creature had set it up to be on a permanent 7% incline, so I have been doing way more exercise than I thought:D This would explain why I ooze off rather than step off when I am done with my workout:P

Think a lot before you buy an ocelot...
04:50 Jul 07 2008
Times Read: 1,802

If you ever own an ocelot,

You'll find that it gets lost a lot

And causes endless trouble when you

try to seek it out.

It hides in closets, sinks and drawers,

Beneath the stairs, behind the doors--Or

even in a coffeepot, emerging from the spout!



Before you buy an ocelot,

Remember it'll cost a lot

To buy the types of food that every

ocelot demands.

If you don't get him steaks and chops

And apple pies and lemon drops,

You're sure to have a most unhappy creature

on your hands.



When he's not fed, an ocelot

Gets hungry, mean and cross a lot

And doesn't do a single thing but sulk

and pout and fret

But when you feed your ocelot

(He sure likes applesauce a lot!)

You'll find he makes a most delightful,

happy little pet.





John Duffie

Weightloss Challenge
02:52 Jul 07 2008
Times Read: 1,815

272 today, but I am bleeding from the crotch and have enough water retention to actually resemble an inflatable sumo wrestler. I can either get a team of oompa loompas to squeeze out said water, or wait a week and have a more accurate weight.



I am too lazy to find oompa loompas. Come back in a week:P

Personality Test
02:46 Jul 07 2008
Times Read: 1,818

Ockham took this test earlier, and being a test addict myself, I decided to give it a go:) The results are not far off and I get a kick out of sharing a mind type with Stephen Hawking:)

Rational Portrait of the Mastermind (INTJ)



All Rationals are good at planning operations, but Masterminds are head and shoulders above all the rest in contingency planning. Complex operations involve many steps or stages, one following another in a necessary progression, and Masterminds are naturally able to grasp how each one leads to the next, and to prepare alternatives for difficulties that are likely to arise any step of the way. Trying to anticipate every contingency, Masterminds never set off on their current project without a Plan A firmly in mind, but they are always prepared to switch to Plan B or C or D if need be.



Masterminds are rare, comprising no more than, say, one percent of the population, and they are rarely encountered outside their office, factory, school, or laboratory. Although they are highly capable leaders, Masterminds are not at all eager to take command, preferring to stay in the background until others demonstrate their inability to lead. Once they take charge, however, they are thoroughgoing pragmatists. Masterminds are certain that efficiency is indispensable in a well-run organization, and if they encounter inefficiency-any waste of human and material resources-they are quick to realign operations and reassign personnel. Masterminds do not feel bound by established rules and procedures, and traditional authority does not impress them, nor do slogans or catchwords. Only ideas that make sense to them are adopted; those that don't, aren't, no matter who thought of them. Remember, their aim is always maximum efficiency.

In their careers, Masterminds usually rise to positions of responsibility, for they work long and hard and are dedicated in their pursuit of goals, sparing neither their own time and effort nor that of their colleagues and employees. Problem-solving is highly stimulating to Masterminds, who love responding to tangled systems that require careful sorting out. Ordinarily, they verbalize the positive and avoid comments of a negative nature; they are more interested in moving an organization forward than dwelling on mistakes of the past.



Masterminds tend to be much more definite and self-confident than other Rationals, having usually developed a very strong will. Decisions come easily to them; in fact, they can hardly rest until they have things settled and decided. But before they decide anything, they must do the research. Masterminds are highly theoretical, but they insist on looking at all available data before they embrace an idea, and they are suspicious of any statement that is based on shoddy research, or that is not checked against reality.



Alan Greenspan, Ben Bernanke, Dwight D. Eisenhower, General Ulysses S. Grant, Frideriche Nietsche, Niels Bohr, Peter the Great, Stephen Hawking, John Maynard Keynes, Lise Meitner", Ayn Rand and Sir Isaac Newton are examples of Rational Masterminds.







If you want to try it yourself, the URL is:



http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Shamelessly stolen from Requiem:)
00:22 Jul 07 2008
Times Read: 1,824

Get Your Cyborg Name

Rewritten Rhymes
05:18 Jul 05 2008
Times Read: 1,852

From a conversation with my friend. The first two are his, the last mine from when I was a child. I will leave you to guess at the originals, they are pretty easy:)





O proud left foot, that ventures quick within

Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.

Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:

Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.

Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,

A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.

To spin! A wilde release from heavens yoke.

Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.

The Hoke, the poke--banish now thy doubt

Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.



Three myopic rodents,

Three myopic rodents,

Observe how they perambulate,

Observe how they perambulate,

They all circumnavigated the agriculturist’s spouse.

She excised their extremities with a carving utinsel.

Have you ever observed such an occurance in your existance

As three myopic rodents,

Three myopic rodents.



Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific!

In vain do I ponder thy nature specific--

Precariously poised in the ether capacious,

Closely resembling a gem carbonaceous;

Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,

In vain do I ponder thy nature specific!

Weightloss Challenge
04:04 Jul 04 2008
Times Read: 1,885

I know I have not been updating and there has been a reason behind it. Since my landwhale medications have been kicking my arse, or rather padding it out, I decided to stop doing it until I had my treadmill of doom up and running. Now I seem to be back on track and have lost the medication caused gain. I will be updating on sundays again, but as a sneak peek, I was at 271 this morning.



Your money is definitely not going to be safely staying in your wallets even if I have to do a marathon every day to ensure it;)



For anyone who doesn't know yet, I am doing a sponsored get the weight off my fat ass for Jo's centre. My challenge is to lose 50lbs by christmas. I have already lost 9lbs, just so you know I am serious about this:D



If you feel like your wallets are too heavy, it is a good cause. If you just like the idea of my torturing myself on the treadmill of death every single day til christmas, that is a good cause too. So far I have $200 riding on this from some incredibly awesome people, so go on, make me suffer!

Another:)
09:50 Jul 02 2008
Times Read: 1,948

This was from a conversation with Jo and Ockham from I think the best night since my birthday. I love you both so much:)



Thank you for another epic thumbcat image Ockham *heart*

Look what Ockham made for me!!!
08:02 Jul 02 2008
Times Read: 1,966

This is so awesome and warrants the triple exclamation marks:D You rule Ockham!