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I think I am Hollow....I just feel emptiness....today was trying...sometimes I surprise myself of what I can tolerate and withstand....He was there today...no longer hiding....asked to be "my friend"....what does that mean anyways...told him didn't know what to say to him...asked him...How's your life been without me? Ugh...why the fuck did I say that...I am so fucked in the head. My mind was not in the right place....was thinking about the blades and the fucking towels, and my purpose again...trying once again to comprehend my fucking existence....explain it to me..somebody...because I just feel hollow.

Lying on the floor in the middle of my office with the lights out can't be healthy!



I am sick....self-inflicted significant emotional event-uitis. The worst kind of sick. The kind when you find yourself meddling into things that need not to be meddled with....stirred the pot...yes I did...and now I am sick with an incurable disease of curiosity....longing for more, but knowing what I may find may bring more pain and sickness beyond that of which my immune system may withstand...



I might as well see the wizard now...self-committ to save others the time and money down the road....at least I could rest...or could I? It's all too much to think about right now...why did I have to be so stupid?



because...I am sick!

so....yes I finally get a heart rate monitor...and ok...I do love Johnny Cash...but the heart rate monitor is pointless if my heart is broken and I can't hear the CD over the tears that I cry...it's not about the fucking gifts!



I long for some sort of emotion, some kinda touch that will make me believe that we are alright....that is the gift I have been wanting for so long.



as time continues to pass since our last private moments together...I become more and more cold and broken...the pain is agonizing...I can only drink to withstand it...but I fear the bottom of the bottle will come too soon.



what is wrong with me ....he can't even love me on my "Happy Fucking BIRTHDAY!"

Well, the pain is back....the gnawing within...no explanation from those strange beings who wear white shoes all year long..ugh..you know the ones who all have M.D. at the end of their usually pretentious family names...I thought that I was past all this and could move forward to address more discerning medical problems like my "fucked up head", but we are now into day 3 of constant pain. Learing at the little brown bottle, pacing back and forth and debating on whether or not its contents are really going to help...or perhaps something else in disguise. Completely delusional at this point, but still conscious enough to realize it....maybe it is from some foul sustenance I have continuously partaken in for too long....or more realistic..something that I have been deprived?

As I tossed and turned and battled with my sheets in an endless fight to slumber....it occured to me...maybe I am unbreakable...as I struggle for all this merciless pain to subside...I manage to endure it daily. He cares not whether my existence subsides...as liquid life moves toward the floor with a gravitational pull beyond my capability to control...I wonder again...am I unbreakable. My days have begun to run into the nights without a differential between the two. I mindlessess come and go with bloodshot eyes and an empty spirit...sure, there are those few moments in the day, when someone says something to stir me...or make me feel an inkling of appreciation for the very air I breathe...but the moments are so brief and so far between, it is not the sustenance needed to continue on in this fucked up world...or maybe I will just continue to be cursed...cursed or unbreakable?

...burning my face like flames of fury....painful and endless...the flood is here again...the drought of emptiness is over....the pain has returned...no where to go, no where to hide...heart racing as if I just finished my long run...but, no my Nike's have been collecting dust for nearly 2 weeks. I have let myself down again...I hoped that I could for once get back on track...but the more I try the more I seem to slip further into the depths of my Hell. The mind games have returned....stealing my thoughts into places that have no purpose...it's not fair...why can't I control my mind...my arms can't withstand the trauma and in the daylight I will hold my head in shame....I hope this time I will just drown from the flood.

...as the clowns run around in circles...so does my mind...It has become impossible to think coherently....I am overwhelmed with all the possibilities of life and death...the worldly problems compiling on my shoulders with a weight that my weak knees cannot support any longer. Why is that I find myself lost so often...just when I think that I will be ok..then poof! like something or someone is watching and taunting me with each step. My mind continues to devour information, but can't put things into the right place....it's as if it is a filing cabinet with an open drawer...and ooops, I left the window open...and things are flying all over the empty space. I can't continue like this...maybe those fucking drugs will help...who knows...I need to be in control...but I fear that I will never be....and then all the fucking judgement...God Damn it, can't they just leave me alone with my thoughts....then the fucking weak bitch that I am...fucking tears again..God Damn salty fucking tears....when will the ringmaster call it a fucking night?