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Mission Day. ...the culmination of all my work for the month. Will all the hours, the missed dinners, the time lost with my child, the incomplete sleepless nights, the missed runs, and an endless list of other opportunities passed by, pay off? I don't know how I can keep up these hours and this mindset. I feel like I could snap. And, there is the constant need to feed...no not in the physical sense...but, just my desire to visit my sanctuary daily. To take my overstressed and overworked mind to another place. I can't seem to find a balance between what is necesary and what is desired...always anxious to read the words that one has placed delicately to take me away from this world....only if for a moment. Well, tommorrow is the mission day. For a brief moment, I will have to set aside my thoughts and focus on survival at midnight...and just like Cinderella at the top of that hour, I will be wondering what destiny I shall fulfill. I am tired. I don't know how I will do it? I am not a very religious person, but somehow I feel the need for a small prayer. Goodnight world.

As I sit this morning, rubbing the sleep from my tired eyes, I wonder what this new year holds for me. I cannot fathom the thought that it will be worse than its predecessor. I really didn't accomplish much this past year. I managed to gain alot of weight...my running went down the tubes (although I WILL run today no matter what)...my job location changed, but the same stressful long hours remained. I found a few long lost friends online and have managed to discover a few more....even up through these last few days. Of course, I discovered VR, which has become more than I could ever imagine. Who needs therapy when you have VR? Reflecting back to those last few days prior to the discovery of this new haven in my life, I don't know that the keys beneath my fingers would be clicking away as they are at this moment. It is still a challenge to rise each day and breathe, but at least I have some place to go outside of my mind. I have been judged, ridiculed and punished, but again I survive. Where my life is headed still eludes my imagination. I have resolved that I must learn to endure the pain that is dealt daily and accept that which I cannot change....or I must find some sort of strength to say no more and move on as hard as it will be again. To my princess, I am sorry I am not the best mommy, but I promise to make it better for us, no matter what is takes this year.....maybe we will discover that obscured blue rose before we are broken.