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Sometimes I scare my own self....when I tap into things I know nothing about...randomly...without warning...and then it becomes exhausting trying to feed on the unknown parts...it's tiresome to have this within...help me escape it.

It was better today. :)

It's been a couple days now....i am really working hard at this....I am ready to do whatever is necessary to get better. I can't even maintain the simplist of relationships with friends...I have shut most everybody out at this point. It's hard for me to talk to most..I prefer to sit still and be quiet...it's the easiest for me. Although I melted down this morning, it was somehow cleansing to me. I know I can never tell them my thoughts, they would disown my presence forevermore. I miss my angels...they disregard my need and leave me lonely most nights. I long for some kind of sign that they will return and grasp my hand and pull me out of the very depths of hell that they have left me in. I am so numb to everyone...except the one who seems to have my heart...in his presence, I am lifted and realize that hope does somehow exist despite the everburdened days surrounding me. I am hollow without him and complete with him. But, I know that he is beyond my reach and I will never be able to fulfull that dream...he is my light...my everything...I wish things were different.

Think it's a metaphor

Till you feel the blade

Slicing and burning for you?

No

For me

To me



Such eloquent words speak reality

Something really bled

-no, it wasn't my "heart"



Open up for me

Open and show veins

So I'll know if I'm still real

See if I still feel

In the sugar-coated

Machine-gun-toting

Alone and floating

Place

It was a bad day once more....these last two weeks have been trying to say the least....somehow the jewels have emerged once more...Amber will be disappointed, but I will be better soon. I don't think it could get much worse. My head hurts and my limbs sting from sweat. I am sorry, I broke my promise.