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IcyRayne's Journal


IcyRayne's Journal

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1 entry this month
 

Ponders and Hurts

12:34 Oct 20 2009
Times Read: 676


I have been talking to my real mother over this last week,she finally contacted me.None can or will be happy for me they think I am setting myself up for heartbreak,noone understands that all I have ever wanted was my mother,she has never been in my life,she left me when I was 5,but I cant help it,it's my mama.I have never met the father of me.I have held 3 3 hour long conversations with her,this time I know she wants to be in my life.



My girlfriends Mother is another story,she wont leave me alone,I am backed into a corner,she has threatened yet again to punch me in my face if I take my baby to the doctor and tell the police I hit her first to have me arrested and the the doctors where she works backs her 100% percent,she is always threatening to have me killed. I can't take this anymore I am like a wide-eyed doe caught in headlights and the only way out is to fight with my fist.I am peaceful and don't want to do this but what am I supposed to do.I can't take it anymore from anyone,I am so positively angry and hurt right now.



My woman is ashamed to display our pictures on face book because of her boss,lol ashamed of me..why I think I am not bad looking,the pictures might be a bit much with kissing a bit but guys and chicks do it all the time,so my mind thinks she is ashamed of us because of what we are.I want someone to love me totally love me no matter what I am..out side of my little redneck county when we go to Tampa it is a different story,she is all over me,holding my hand,kissing me but here,she leaves it for the house and the bedroom..blah I am not that way..I love you I want to kiss when I want to kiss.



And the kids,one day I would love to pick them up and they have a good day,they put me through hell.



I lost 3 dear friends on here because of their selfish beliefs that I had no time for them,god they have no fucking idea,and frankly all the time I spent getting to know them was for nothing,so they can whine,tell people what they want about me..I know it has been done but to all those people..I lived my life all these years without and I will do it again..I am who I am..deal with it or leave me the fuck alone..and for the simple minded people it means..go away.



This has been a rant inside me for a while that had to get out,whoever reads it.,this is not a emo attempt to get sympathy,I could care less either way..A journal is where you display you wants and needs,happiness and sadness,not your oops I stubbed my toe on t he door kinda thing..I want no sympathy so dont bother.


COMMENTS

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twoforme
twoforme
17:20 Oct 20 2009

Rayne, you know my thoughts on all of this. And I think it is about time you let all of this out. You hold to much in and that is not a good thing. You know you can talk to me not matter what and I wont give up on the friendship that we have.



I am really happy for you and your mom and know that with both of you working on it things will turn out great.



I support you 100%





IcyRayne
IcyRayne
17:31 Oct 20 2009

Thank you so much for your spport,you are the only one who is unwavering in my life no matter,if I get cray,insane,irrational or psycho..you take the good with the bad at all times from me and NEVR let me down.



I love you alot.





LadyIsis
LadyIsis
19:34 Oct 21 2009

only one that is unwavering? I'm hurt. no not really. seriously though it is good that you are attempting to work things out with your mom. I'm sorry that your girl's mom is well you know the word taht would be written right here.



sometimes you just gotta vent and fuck all who take it the wrong way.



I'll always be here for you.





IcyRayne
IcyRayne
14:23 Oct 24 2009

Not you doll one bit,you know how I feel about you,you were my second friend on this site when I first got here.

You have never hurt or deceived me.I adore you and need to talk to you more,I try to leave myself out but god god god,how much more can a person shoulder.



I know I know but you know it only has gotten worse since this last rant.I am on my last thread of nerve here.



My woman tries to make it better but all I do is lash out at her.You ever watched that show Snapped..lol..just asking.





fuiguremeout11
fuiguremeout11
05:29 May 10 2011

the pain is someone what of ur not beilin nebody whants u..but the do i dont think ppl are ashamed but r scared..but u have to work throught that..and no ur not emo u just have issues of ur own..so u learn to deal with them and if none wants u as a friend then that might be somewhat the way u treated them..threatend or not u know whu ur are nd can be,,if they say u cant do it,,prove them wrong.








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