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Owing to some of the details of my history, I, until quite recently, have sought vigorously to avoid confronting my past or, as a consequence of this, to acknowledge the reality of my present. This tendency manifested itself rather notably in the form of my romantic experiences. For quite some time, I would throw myself helplessly into relationships with any men who would hold my interest away from self-awareness. Absorbing myself in their lives, their interests, ideas and bodies, I distracted myself from having to look honestly at my own. On some level I was aware of my motivations in seeking out these romantic partners, but I found no flaw fundamental to my thesis more compelling than my crippling fear of myself.



Eventually, however, a significant defect in my method presented itself. Any man who would allow me to center myself entirely around him without reciprocating enough interest in me to thwart my efforts at avoiding the mirror is an extremely self-centered, if not completely solipsistic, human being. As a result, these lovers, mere makeshift distractions, would inevitably follow some careless whim or other into the beds of other men and leave me behind without any sense of identity to cling to other than my dreaded own. The resulting devastation would plummet me into a seemingly inescapable chasm of anguish.



After coming out of the coffin, I started to honestly analyze the true nature of my interactions with others in general and my romantic partners in particular and decided that I had to break the pattern of denying myself an independent sense of identity. It was at precisely this point of epiphany that Daniel entered my life. He is fascinating and beautiful and it is, in fact, far easier for me to lose myself in him than it was for me to do so with any of my prior romantic entanglements. The difference, the absolutely vital distinction, is that he is just as curious about me, just as invested in my life, my interests, the beauty locked deep inside of me, as I am in his. Consequently, I find myself not lost in him, but lost in us, in our union. In that union, I can face my past and all of the pain therein because with his support I do not face it alone. We are strong enough. He inspires me to be better, stronger, more productive, to do whatever is within my power to inspire pride in him. I am endlessly thankful for the confluence of events that led Daniel and I to cross paths at just the right time for me to fully appreciate how special our relationship is and to admire how special he is without losing sight of the larger picture of which we are both a part.



Furthermore, the whole of the World is brighter to me for the strength our love bestows upon my vision. Language fails me in my efforts to describe the subtle and sublime way that my perception has changed. I no longer merely see those around me, I See them. There is a further dimension to the things around us, they are comprised of more than simple height, width, depth and persistence through time; they are made of Light; they are spirit given form. While the perception of such is a fundamental trait of my nature, the Light within all that has glimmered in my view throughout my life has amplified far beyond anything in my past. The gleam of essence that once shone for me now presents itself as a feverishly burning sun. All around me I now find the full force of the heavens, more brilliant in a single flower's blooming than I ever suspected possible in a thousand stars' burnings. It would threaten to overwhelm all my senses completely if not for my now infinitely enhanced Light, the Light that he shares with me, the Light that is the greatest gift I have ever received and that I rejoice in offering in return.

When I think of you, when I hear your voice or even hear your name, there's a part of me that only came to life after I met you that springs awake and makes me feel like I could do anything, overcome any obstacle, just to make sure I never stop thinking about you, never stop hearing you. In every one of those moments I know with absolute certainty, the sort of certainty I've never known for anything else, that I will always love you and I will always move mountains to make you smile so I can hear the subtle way your voice changes when you do. I would do anything to guarantee that, for the rest of our lives, when you say my name, I will hear that smile in your voice <3