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well again i find myself upset, ignored and alone.not physically but emotionally. its saturday, time for a nice night with the family. wrong!

why does his obsessions take my place? i have feelings! same ol same ol.

what about my feelings?

dont i matter?

you are hateful and negative.

you are pissing me off

cant you see

we cant grow if you dont put in your side your half

i love you

i hate you

i need you

i want you

i cant stand to be with you

i cant stand to be without you

you make me crazy

good

bad

in between

leave me alone ~ WAIT!

dont leave me alone

i have so many thoughts and ideas, so many moods with you........



yeah, same old song and dance



i just forgot to watch my step ~ and yours

i am alone. i am free.i am shackled. i am happy. i am sad. you are here, but why does it feel like i am alone? i look at you. i reach out to you. cant you see? you are my everything. my past, my present and my future. you make me happy and sad. you drive me insane and make soar above the clouds. you complete me and take half my soul away.

how can you be so many things? in so many ways? i give myself to you. and i run away....... so far away.

Love is a crazy thing. It can be wonderful, marvelous, exciting and hot. It can also be scary, cruel, and horrible. But every day we try to embrace it. I do. I look for it, I yearn for it. I found a love, it can be all those things combined. Would I give it up? Hell no. Would I push it away? Unh uh! No way



I have different loves, different ways of loving. They are all love ~ but not the same. I love one- in a way that i have never loved before. I have another that I love on a way but it isnt true. But I wouldnt give it up. I have friendship loves, and children love~ those never change.



The love I need and have is forever. It is so empowering that I cannot say no to it. I cannot live without it. I would kill to keep. It is mine. I will never let it go.

what is religion? why do we have to worship anyone? how can i say that my god is right and yours are wrong. there is no way to say. i am confused.

i am pulled in the direction of magic, but my life has been around christianity for so long that is seems wrong to look at any others.

it is a pull that i cannot explain, saying magic, craft, ~ come......

i have been searching for a long time~ to find nothing.no answers ~ no direction. only more confusion. magic is not evil~ not always as the light is not always good.

do i study here? there? read this? read that? dammit i want answers!



to be continued..........