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E, you are my best friend. i really care about you. thanks for cheering me up today. *squeezes*

you always make me laugh when i read your journal. i love your sense of humor. thanks! i REALLY needed that.

what a day!

first i get up early

to get into an argument with my kids. wtf? its not like we dont do the same thing every morning. its called a routine! so the arguing kept on til i was in tears driving to work.

work was fine.

then i get home and my cat is acting very strange. it is almost like she has had a stroke or something. i checked her to see if she had been hit by a car, but she felt ok. idk. her little head keeps drawing itself back. and her lil eyes stay in the same spot so it is kinda creepy. i pray that she will be ok.

she is important to me. she always greets me when i open my back door and when i get home for work. she is a nice companion. she meows all the time. it kind of sounds like singing,lol bt she is not singing now. she has ran under the neighbors house.



please be ok, KIKI . i love you



please let this day get better

why does things bother me so much?

why am i jealous?

why do i care?

why is my life so crazy?

why do i feel so alone?

why





i wish i knew

today has been ok. slept in, had some fun, went out for brunch at an awesome place, went shopping~ my favorite pasttime :P.

i am tired and sleepy.



have a new friend, valentine. he is a very funny,nice guy. i love his journal. it cracks me up.



i am missing *****. maybe ill catch them later. *shrugs*



lets go eat, im hungry lol

i went to the big city tonight. i saw a hooker! i cant believe it! LOL i can but it is unusual where i live. i had THE best time i have had in a long time.

we saw some culture and ate fondu! it was amazing! i have never had a 4 course meal like that.

this meal was to die for and they put it on plates that were medieval looking.

1- bread and cheese(rosemary,honey wheat and white bread with swiss cheese)

2- salad(ceasar)

3- meat and veggies (shrimp,tuna,chicken,pork,and steak

4- dessert (chocolate with crushed oreos, strawberries, bananas, rice krispy treats, pound cake

brownies and cheesecake YUM



what a night :) and i have pictures!

have you ever wished your life was different? think about it, what would you change? i think about this often.........

well today has been unusual. work was blah. i got home and found something with a friend, lol.

she left and i got a phone call. from my mom. which is not unusual. but this time she is upset. it seems that my dog killed her cat. oops. it seems that he is doing this a lot. this makes the 5th one. i am sorry. really. i have no one to give my dog to. he is a full grown part siberian huskie and part wolf. he is beautiful and sweet. but he is a cat killer. :( we cant all be perfect.



tonight seems to be long and boring. i am so freaking bored. there is nothing to do and noone to spend time with. so alone again. *sigh* i think it is my destiny. which fucking sucks......

i feel as though you dont like me. that you dont want me. i dont like this feeling.

stop hiding things from me. it really bothers me.

i miss you.

why do you hide things from me? it drives me crazy! it is like you do it on purpose. every time i try to find out you hide. it is like there is this part of you that you dont want me to know about.

like a different life

or ideas

or how perverted you really are



how can i trust you if you hide things. how can i believe what you say?



who are you looking at?

why do i even care?

sorry fucker!

stop hiding

be a man



if you would just share things with me i wouldnt feel so upset all the time.



i cant believe you are doing this again

i just feel like going to bed. i am cold. i am sleepy. i feel sad. but i cannot. i have to go pick up the kids soon.i just feel blah.

today has been a lil better. i went to work. it was not a bad day. just upsetting that vaca was over. it is very cold with snow flurries which bums me out greatly, it make my depression, anger worse. but at least i have been able to be on vr today. lol go figure.



the non friend that i work with didnt talk to me. i didnt suspect she would even though she gave me a look like " i need you to do that" but i ignored it. fuck her. she cant pick up the phone once over vaca to chat/text/ act like i exist/ i will not even talk to her. she can get her fix elsewhere.



oh well, today has been better. i have had almost 2 hours alone. which is completely wonderful. i didnt know how much i needed it, but i do.



maybe the kids will be good. maybe the hub will be home early. maybe it will be a good day. maybe.

i havent been on here in days. i have totally missed this site. i tried to stay away on purpose,kind of, but there was a need feeling there in the back of my mind. maybe it is my outlet. maybe its bc i can act or be any way i want and noone cares.

they accept me. how i wish that ........ nevermind. it wont happen any way.



i need a vacation from my vacation. how fucking sad is that? tomorrow i go back to work, i am not ready by a long shot.

i even thought that i would see a couple of my friends this week , ones from work, but they ignored me completely. thanks, bitches. i honestly try. go out of my way. for what? nothing but hurt feelings. well, i have decided to let it go and not talk to them and see how they feel. if they even care.

well, i am back . where i feel needed and wanted. i have missed you WF, E, Catseye, M &M, Gaulder, Vampchica,LKDS,nena

*this is kinda for WF*



TO DO



1-read Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter

2-be on VR more

3-spend some REAL time with my kids

4-try to think/be more positive

what a fucking week! i have been sick for days. my children have totally driven me insane. i feel like a zombie between the cold medicine,and the lack of sleep. i have coughed til i cant talk. my throat is scratchy. ggggrrrrrrrrr

i feel so drained, like my energy has left me for good. i am full of midol and cold meds.



it is chilly outside when the weather forecaster said it would be sunny and warm.

i crave the sun. warm and bright. i miss my friends.

i was supposed to chat with one yesterday and the day turned to shit early and i missed the whole day.

*grumbles angrily to self*

i am so tired of being sick!



routine:

go to bed~ cough

wake up~ choke

thru the day~ blow nose

sickly, watery eyes, runny nose, coughing, sneezing,

(this sounds like a commercial for Nyquil! lol)



go away! i dont want to be sick any more



*cough* *hack*

tonight was football practice in full pads. HE LOOKED SO CUTE!for an 8 yr old, lol of course he was last on the field but that is alright. we didnt know what we were doing, lol



it seemed like they had a hard time finding the right things to fit him but eventually they did. it was great. he got out there, they took him to the side to practice tackling. which he took to pretty quick. once he gets the speed, we are in business!



GO BABY GO! lol

i am thinking of deleting my entire journal and starting over. .....................

yesterday i fell asleep early and slept all night til this morning. but my kids/hubby woke me up a bunch coming in and out. trying to talk to me. i spent as much time with them as i could this weekend but they wore me out. between the friends staying over and football practice, *** and the *******, i felt dead. so i crashed.



but today is a new day, i hope they are in good spirits and ready to be nice all evening. football practice and Dr Suess night . busy busy busy.

I try really hard to be a good parent. Make them keep up their hygeine. Take care of them all of the time, when they are sick, well, happy sad, mad.They are being total brats. Ingrates!

OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

I cook, clean, wipe noses, help with homework, do so much. they have NO fucking clue how good they got it. they fuss, and moan and groan. i love them dearly , god knows i do.

i hope they realize one day before its too late.I am a good parent.

you know? fuck you. i cant even believe you. once we were together and i never believed you would treat me like this. but our own kids? why ? how? what makes you think that i would let you take them around a child molestor. you are even more stupid now than when we split.



what happened to you?





how could you with good conscience, seriously, to be out riding 4 wheelers and our son be riding with HIM?the child molester. i seriously hate you. you are the most selfish dick in the world.....

well me and *** made up . but who knows how he will behave later tonight. especially when it is going to be a very long day. i pray that this day turns out to be great.

i hate being upset all the time. and sometimes the depression is unbearable. i have a lot of thoughts and wishes at the moment but i am afraid if i write them down, they will never happen.

why is life so hard? why do we lose the ones that matter the most? dad, mamaw , jason.......

if jason were here, no, dont talk about jason. he is not here, he is in heaven. where he belongs. he is happy now, he is not sick and no pain.



focus..... i pray that the kids are good. good to me, good to each other. i pray the day is nice and pleasant.



take care of wendy,jordan and malena. travel safe friends.

you drive me crazy. i love you and hate you at the same time. why cant you just do as i ask? i told you to do something, so frikking do it! i cant believe how selfish you are. ggggrrrrr

you are so weird. first, you stay up the whole night, complaining you cant breathe bc of your allergies. but this morning you came to bed and laid there for 45 minutes knowing you need a new pillow due to your allergies. you act like you want to * but i couldnt, i had to take the kids to school. so i expect to * when i get back. but , while i was gone, you got sick from your 'allergies' and have thrown up. so now, you have no sleep, your allergies are bothering you and you dont want to * bc you think it will take away what lil energy you have left. wtf?

i know i have been sleeping a lot lately and not gave you * but it was just sunday when we *. now i am confused about your feelings. do you want me? are you upset? is it really your allergies? *grumbles*