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HA!!! MAYBE IM NOT AS CRAZY AS I THOUGHT. APPARENTLY OVER 30 PEOPLE HAVE READ MY RANTINGS. HOPEFULLY THEY GOT THE LAUGH I DO WHEN I READ THEM. FOR IM PITIFUL AND YOU KNOW IT. BUT THANKS FOR NOT POINTING IT OUT.







LOVING YOU STILL MY ONE IN MY MIND AN HEART

IT HAPPENED AGAIN. FOUND MYSELF FUCKING HOLDIN MYSELF CRYIN. AND ONCE AGAIN IT WAS CUZ OF A STUPID LITTLE SHOW. THERE WAS BLOOD, LOVE, AND KILLING. AND I JUST COULDNT HOLD IN MY TEARS OF DESIRE. TO HAVE A GREATER PURPOSE. TO HAVE A FUCKED UP LIFE WITH A PURPOSE. TO KILL FOR A REASON. TO BE COVERED AND SURROUNDED BY BLOOD FROM THE THINGS IVE DONE. AND SOME HOW I KNOW THAT IT WOULDNT MATTER IF I KILLED OR FOUGHT OR DID SOMETHING FOR GOOD OR BAD. THAT DURING AND AFTER WORDS ID FEEL THE WAY I ALWAYS DREAMED AND CRYED FOR. AND ID FEEL STRONG, POWERFUL, AND SOMETHING INSTEAD OF NOTHING. I KNOW I WANT TO DRESS IN BLACK BUT I DONT. I KNOW I WANT TO GET AWAY BUT I CANT, AND I KNOW THAT IF I DONT FIND A GREATER PURPOSE ILL DIE. NOT FROM MY OWN HAND, OR ANOTHERS, OR BY ANYTHING BUT THE SORROW I FEEL. IF YOU SAW ME YOU WOULDNT EVEN THINK THAT THIS WOULD BE THE FREAKIN 14 YR OLD GIRL THATS WRITING THIS SHIT. BUT I WILL KNOW. AND IM ALONE. FOR EVEN IF SOMEONE DOES LIKE ME THEY WONT BE THE ONE FOR ME. ILL KNOW THAT THE ONE I WANT DOESNT EXIST. THAT THE ONE I WANT IS DARK, LONELY LIKE ME, AND ALSO WANTS TO FIND THEIR PURPOSE OR WANT TO HELP ME FIND MINE. AND I KNOW THAT THIS ONE DOES NOT EXIST. ILL JUST BURST OUT IN TEARS THAT I TRY SO HARD TO KEEP BOTTLED UP, AND BE ALONE. RANTING ON THIS ER SOME OTHER SITE TO NO ONE. HOPING THE ONE I WANT WILL READ AND KNOW IM THE ONE. HA!!! IM SO FUCKIN STUPID. TO EVEN THINK THAT. JUST GETTIN MY HOPES UP SO THEY CAN BE CRUSHED.





LOVED BY FAKES, AN LOVING ONE THATS NOT THERE................................

SOME SORROWFUL KNEWS FOR THOSE THAT DO NOT EXIST. I MIGHT HAVE TO LEAVE THIS SITE. FOR MY "FRIENDS" SAW ME ON HERE AND THEY HAVE MADE ACCOUNTS TO MESS WITH THE "GOTH AN EMO PEOPLES" THEY ARE MAJOR STEREOTYPEISTS. AND EVEN THO I HAVE BLOCKED THEM, THE RISK OF THEM FINDING THE TRUE ME IS TOO GREAT. I CANNOT LET THE PEOPLE IN MY FAKE LIFE KNOW THE TRUE ME. FOR IF THEY DO ONLY MORE SORROW AND PAIN WILL FOLLOW AND IT WILL ALL BE IN ME. FOR THEY WOULD SIMPLY CALL ME A POSER, OR A SYCOPATH OR OTHER NONSENSE, AND EITHER CAST ME AWAY OR SIMPLY KEEP ME FOR THEIR AMUSEMENT. SO, I MIGHT HAVE TO SAY FAREWELL TO THE SITE FOR WHICH I AM STILL ALONE BUT NOT ENTIRELY.

TO HELP ME COPE WITH MY FEELINGS AND THE FAKE LIFE I LIVE I IMMERSE MYSELF INTO THE LIVES OF CHARACTERS IN BOOKS. I CANNOT RELATE TO ANY THO. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WISH THAT I TOO, COULD LIVE A GREATER PURPOSE IN MY LIFE, AND THAT THE SORROW I AM FEELING WILL REVEEL MY PAST AND OPEN UP THE FUTURE THAT I LONG FOR. I WISH THAT I COULD KILL FOR A PURPOSE. LIKE THE CHARACTER IN MY BOOKS. AND FEEL THE BLOOD ON MY SKIN. BUT I CANNOT TELL WHETHER I WOULD HAVE THAT BLOOD ON ME KILLING THE BAD, OR KILLING THE GOOD. AND I CANNOT SAY THAT I LEAN TOWARDS THE GOOD. FOR THE HATRED THAT FILLS ME LEANS TOWARD THE BAD AND SHALL FOR ALWAYS. OR TO HAVE SOME PART IN SOMETHING THAT OTHERS HAVE NO IDEA IS GOING ON. THAT I WOULD KNOW THINGS THEY DONT. AND THINGS IN WHICH THEY COULD NEVER COMPREHEND. FOR WHICH REASONS SHALL THERE BE A WEAPON IN MY HAND AND BLOOD ON MY SKIN?

I FEAR IT HAS HAPPENED AGAIN. THIS TIME IT WAS A MEER SHOW THAT SET ME OFF. I WANTED TO JUST FALL TO THE GROUND AND CRY. BUT MY OLDER SISTER WAS STILL ABOUT SO I JUST BOTTLED IT INSIDE ME LIKE I HAVE ON SO MANY OTHER OCCASIONS. AND I KNOW THAT DOING THIS WILL NOT HELP ME IN ANY WAY. ONLY INHANCE THE DREAD AND SORROW THAT KEEPS OVERFLOWING INSIDE OF ME. I KNOW I AM LONG OVER DO FOR A CRY. AND I THINK THAT MAYBE THAT IF I JUST CRY TILL MY EYES ARE DRY, THAT ALONG WITH THE TEARS WILL GO THE PAIN I FEEL. BUT I KNOW THIS CAN NEVER BE TRUE. FOR I SHALL ALWAYS BE ALONE AND FILLED WITH EVERYTHING BUT JOY AND HAPPINESS. THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO ARE NOT THERE.

HERES AN UPDATE ON MY RANTINGS BELOW. I STILL FEEL THE SAME WAY WHICH SUCKS. AND WITH RECENT SHIT HAPPENING AT MY HOUSE WITH MY DAD, ME AND MY BRITHER AND SISTER HAVE TO SEE A COUNCILER. WHICH IS FUCKED UP. I MEAN, I DO HAVE PROBLEMS(THO MY PARENTS ARENT AWARE)BUT, I AINT GONNA GO TALKIN TO SOME BITCH THAT THINK SHE KNOS EVERYTHING AND THINK THAT EVERYTHING YOU SAY HAS SOMEN DARK AND DESTURBEDE BEHIND IT. BUT SHE WILL DECIEDE WHICH OF US WILL HAVE TO GO TO MORE COUNCELERS. AND WITH MY LUCK ITLL INCLUDE ME. BUT MY BROTHERS THE ONE THAT REALLY NEEDS IT. HE SCREAMS "I DONT WANT TO DIE" AND THEN AFTER THE SHIT THAT HAPPENED SAYS THAT HE DOESNT WANT TO WAKE UP ANYMORE, NOW THAT SUICIDE COMMENT IS SOOOOOO WAY WORSE THAN MY BEING ALONE. CUZ I AM AND ALWAYS WILL BE. AT LEAST IM FACING FACTS AND NOT LIVING ON FALSE HOPES. WELL, JUS WANTED TO LET YOU KNO. EVEN THO NO ONES ACTUALLY GONNA READ THIS.

FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT HAVE READ THE BOOK PEEPS BY SCOTT WESTERFELD, I HAVE SOME INTERESTING NEWS.



I HAVE ALMOST ALL OF THE SYMTOMS OF BEING A PEEPS. ALMOST. I DO GET MAJOR URGES FOR MEAT. MIND YOU THAT THEY ARE NOT UNCONTROLABLE, BUT UNUSUALLY STRONG. THEN, ON THE ISSUE OF ACTUALLY HEARING THE BUZZ OF THE PARASITE INSIDE OF YOU, YES. I DONT THINK IT IS A PARASITE BUT I AM ALWAYS FOLLOWED BY A SLIGHT BUZZ ER RING IN MY EARS. THO I HAVE ALWAYS EXPAINED IT AS THE SOUND OF THE AIR. AND ON THE SUBJECT OF SEXUAL NEEDS ID RATHER NOT COMMENT ON SUCH A PRIVATE NOTE. SO, MY FRIENDS KID ROUND SAYING IM A CARRYER OF THE PARASITE AND GOT IT FROM MY CATS. WHILE I SIMPLY DISMIT IT. WELL, ONLY TIME HOLDS THE TRUTH.

COMMENTS

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HAERTOFAVAMPYRE
07:42 Jul 23 2009

*growls* your such a fucking idiot! get over yourself! geezz.

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POST COMMENT

sorry for ranting. im just getting it out here so that it wont slip out to any one who can do anything about it. my mom already wants to get me into counsiling cuz my familys fucked up and i act like it isnt. i mean, if i said this or collapsed crying in front of her i'd be off at a loony bin somewhere (even tho it would be better than here). so, thanks for ur silent listening. tho u dont even exist to me here. thanks.

NOW I JUST SOUND LIKE IM MAKING THIS SHIT UP. EVEN TO ME IT SOUNDS THAT WAY. AND ITS REALLY FUCKING STUPID THAT I WROTE ALL THIS IN ONE NIGHT. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOES ANY ONE MY AGE FEEL THIS WAY? I FEEL SO FUCKING ALONE. AND IF YOU DO FEEL THIS WAY I WOULDNT TRY TALKN TO ME. CUZ LIKE I SAID BEFORE, ILL BECOME AN ASS AND START TALKING SHIT TO TRY TO MAKE YOU LEAVE AND BLOCK ME. WHETHER I WANT YOU TO GO OR NOT. LOKK AT THIS!!! NO ONE FEELS THIS WAY. AND NO ONES GONNA READ THIS. IM JUST TALKING TO MYSELF AND THATS EVEN MORE FUCKED UP CUZ ALL ITS MAKING ME DO IS CRY. FUCK. IM SORRY. TO YOU AND MY PARENTS. WHO DONT EVEN KNOW I FEEL THIS WAY OR THAT IM FUCKED UP. REALLY. SORRY.

IM SO FUCKING ALONE. NO ONE KNOWS THE TRUE ME. NO ONE KNOWS THAT I EVEN EXIST. I SOMETIMES JUST WALK AROUND OUTSIDE HOPING THAT SOME ONE WALKING BY WILL TAKE A GLANCE AT ME SO I KNOW IM REALLY THERE. IVE TRYED TO BURY THIS BUT I SEE SOMETHING AND I CRACK FALL TO THE FLOOR AND START CRYIN. NO ONE ON HERES MY FRIEND. AND MY FREINDS OUT THERE DONT GET ME. CUZ I DONT LET THEM SEE THE TRUE ME. AND YOU KNOW WHY. CUZ OUT THERE IM NOTHING BUT A NOTHING. I CANT EVEN BE CALLED AN OUTCAST. AND HERE IM JUST SOME CRAZY 14 YR OLD GIRL. I UNDERSTAND THAT.............

GOD. NOW I JUST SOUND EMO ER SOMEN(NO OFFENSE). THATS JUST NOT ME. THIS ISNT ME. OR I TRYED TO IGNORE THIS ME. WHY AM I EVEN TELLING YOU THIS ITS JUST MAKING ME CRY. IM NOT EMO, OR GOTH. I LIKE THE BEATLES AND WEAR WHAT COLORS I FEEL LIKE(WHICH CAN INCLUDE BLACK JUS NOT ALL THE TIME). WAT TYHE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM JUST 14. AND I FEEL LIKE IM ALONE AND ALWAYS WILL BE. BECAUSE IM LABELED HERE IN THIS BODY THAT I WANT OUT OF!!!!! SO WAT IF I GET GOOD GRADES THAT DOESNT MEAN IM A GOODY TOO SHOO. BUT I HAVE TO ACT THAT WAY SOMETIMES OR ILL BE A FUCKING LITTLE POSER. I JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE. ILL BE ALONE CUZ IF SOMEONE EVER GETS CLOSE I ACT LIKE A FREAK ER JUST MEAN AND MAKE THAM LEAVE. AND I WANTED THEM TO. BUT I DIDNT. MY LIFE IS ALWAYS SPLIT IN HALF SO I CAN NEVER BE ONE PERSON. FUCK. THIS ISNT ME. OR I TRIED TO NOT BELIEVE THIS IS ME. IM FUCKING ALONE AND ALWAYS WILL BE. SHIT.

NOW I JUST SOUND LIKE A FUCKING CRY BABY. SO YOU CAN TELL ME TO FUCK OFF IF YOU WANT. YOU WOULDNT BE THE FIRST. ACTUALLY, I MAKE PEOPLE GET AWAY FROM ME. I JUST GO ON THE COMPUTER AND TRY TO FREAK PEOPLE OUT INTO BEING PISSED OFF AT ME OR BLOCKING ME. IVE DONE IT ON MYSPACE, CHAT ROOMS, HERE, AND EVEN FUCKING YOUTUBE. I DONT KNOW WHY. I WANT THEM TO HATE ME. BUT WHEN THEY BLOCK ME I DONT KNOW WHAT IM FEELING. SOMETIMES I LAUGH SEE HOW MANY I CAN GET TO BLOCK ME. OTHER TIMES I FEEL THAT I DID IT AGAIN, FREAKED OUT PEOPLE, AND NOW IM ALONE. AND ILL ALWAYS BE. I HATE MY SELF. NO I DONT. I HATE EVERYONE ELSE. BUT I SHOULDNT. BUT EITHER WAY ILL FIND MYSELF FUCKING IN A BALL ALL MESSED UP OVER NOTHING. THANKS FOR LISTENING.

CRAP. NOW I KNOW THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I KNOW THIS MIGHT SOUND REALLY FUCKING CHESSY BUT I FEEL A HOLE. IN SIDE OF ME. I DONT KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE. OR WHY ITS THERE. BUT IT IS. AND I WANT IT GONE. YET I DONT KNOW WHAT ILL DO WHEN ITS GONE. CRAP. IM REALLY FUCKED UP. BUT NO ONE KNOWS IT. ONLY YOU. AND I SHOULDNT BE FUCKED UP. OR SHOULD I ?! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME. IM ONLY FUCKING 14. I SHOULDNT FEEL LIKE THIS......

I THINK THERE SOMETHING WRONG. NO I KNOW THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. THERE MIGHT BE NO REASON, THAT YOU CAN SEE, BUT I CAN. EVEN THOUGH I SHOULDNT. NOT NOW. DAMNIT.