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When you lay your head down; in those coy moments before sleep takes you. When the fairies pluck their pixie dust and grant you that blissful black screen right before you shut your mind down. Sometimes.....just sometimes. You'll get to look right into yourself and get bitch smacked with some clarity.
I don't understand you humans. I understand motive; and want; excess; physicality; words; lust; love; death; but human beings I can't fathom. Human beings are fucking scary. I was born in the wrong era.
I'm not a good person. Nope. But I'm trying to play the part. A villain playing a hero; and doing a fine job at times. I must act. I give out the dollars to the homeless; I get up on the subway or train to let the elderly sit; I tip well; I make my bed; I eat ass; you know....all the things I guess I'm supposed to be doing.
If your aspirations are a tent and some fentanyl go ahead. If you feel like smoking crack until your lungs burst do it. If you want to take Xanax and black out for the next 9 years I admire the tenacity. Just do the shit alone. Kill yourself by yourself. Like not sticking a needle in yourself in front of kids. Or hitting your crack pipe on the Path. Doing that weird zombie lean in front of 7-11. You know the type: they're drooling, eyes shut, and are stooped over yet still somehow standing upright.
Idk where I'm going with this....and that's what I realized last night before I slept. I can stop hurting, just like they can, maybe they just don't want to, maybe I don't.
This ran long.
I want to buy a nice suit. With boots. And gloves. And a carriage. And a driver. And a date. And it's fall. And it's night. And we sit and gossip and laugh and watch the world burn just as it should.
I'll probably just eat ass instead.

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VvReapersSoulmatevV
23:41 Jul 23 2024

lol Why is this so real though? I can’t anymore with people.

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Gomez
04:50 Jul 25 2024

Im trying out here. I'm out in these streets. Lol.

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But he does fuck with you in sly ways. I read a lot of journals on here. I know I don't favorite a lot of them and that's going to change because I genuinely like hearing real stories or made up stories or just weird shit that someone decides to put out there in the ether. Some i've read for a good while now.
I go to a therapist. She's a wonderful if slightly innocent good natured woman. I don't get much from it. She's cute. Probably married. I don't know. I'm attracted to "alt" types and shes not. We don't have much in common. I pay for this weekly.
Point being is I think I get more out of hearing all of your trauma or just random stuff than anything my therapist has given me. Write on my friends.

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Lamadia79
16:03 Jul 22 2024

I just write because it gives me practice and its nice if someone comments because they like the story

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AlderxWolf
18:54 Jul 22 2024

@Lamadia79... I am always up for a good tale by the library fireplace glowing and a bourbon in hand, comfortably ensconced in my favorite leather chair. Thank you for all the great evenings.

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If I were a better poet I would write words that could encapsulate just what you meant. If I were a better musician my hands would blindly play the ache of your absence. If my art could only capture you as you were; if only once; there would be no reason to create anymore.
It has now been four years since your death. Four years. And boy did I break. Destroyed my very essence. If I didn't have a family to pick me up and glue me back; or stop me from killing myself; or just give me time; I certainly would be dead as well....and it wouldn't be from covid.
So I've started going out again. Dating. I've fucked it up once or twice but dating for me........it just doesn't seem as casual like it does for others. One person I really am sorry over. I just wasn't ready to say things like "I love you" again.
Back into the wild world of being single. I miss you; I always will. I have to move though. I'm not moving on. Just moving. A new story. A new life. A Change.

p.s. I did briefly see a girl who ended up stealing some things right out of my place. I didn't call the cops....but I probably should have. Should I have? IDK. I hear all these stories about people just making shit up to the police.

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OccultRanger
05:30 Jul 16 2024

I doubt the cops would do much other than keeping a semblance of peace in my experience. Besides if she's a desperate hype she'll be back.

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Baest
13:22 Jul 16 2024

You are a beautiful writer.. it is rare that i am captured.
i am sorry for your loss, good job.

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Gomez
18:05 Jul 16 2024

To Occult: I had never been in that type of situation where I had been robbed by a girlfriend. I've had gf's take things but they were trifling objects. This girl took my t.v., two computer, but the big one, the one that haunts me: she took Keir and mines wedding rings.

To Baest: that's a very kind thing to say to someone who is not a beautiful writer. I blushed. Lol. And thnx for your condolences. People don't realize that little words like that can change a person's day. 👻

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And I'm not sure I ever had any to begin with.
I throw myself into shit. Always have. I make other peoples dreams my own. I am fiercely opinionated yet can change my mind on a whim. I'm never serious but always mean what I say. I sin with a smile and all my generous acts I secretly want my flowers for. I'm hearing a lot. A LOT....of bullshit. "Let's make things better for everyone" are the same people that say "but not in my backyard".
I work best in a pair; we either ground each other.....or the opposite. Either way, what bliss.
Your stack of drugs is not impressive to me. Your lack of them is.
I'm from the wrong side of the tracks; though I grew up on the right side of them.
I'm doing everything I can to end this life. Without actually doing anything.
I want to peel my skin off and scream but I'm far too tired and my voice is shot.

It must be July.

Well what a shit show This country is. I'm not going to go on about it.
An ex-gf of mine texts me frequently. She has a new bf she loves and um....five? Guinea pigs. I'm envious....not because I want to get back with her or anything.....just cuz her life seems so much better than mine. It's probably not.
I'm on testosterone right now. Went from playing PlayStation; eating truckloads of sour patch kids and not having any sexual feelings at all; to pretty much wanting to fuck like a wild banshee. Its been quite a turn around.