The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

and it came in a set of words that i dont hear very often...



you look very nice... and then that smile, and those eyes... and suddenly i think there is hope, a possibility that maybe she might like me more then him... which is a strange thaught in its own right.... but then again she did come and sit to watch me play backyard ball in the snow....



so what to do?



in the words of a close friend....

"Stop Overanalyzing and just go with the fucking flow" lol aiight...

my fucking job!!!!



ant the two bitches that pretend to run it!@!##!$!

recently, i have been bottling up alot of shit that has been on my mind.... yeah i know stupid.



throughout my life i have forced myself into the thaught process that nobody is there for me but me... and anyone who says otherwise is lying, and looking for a seam to try and hurt me...



now through everything that has happened in the last couple of months, almost a year, it has been tougher now then it has been for a while, with my wife leaving, financial problems that seem to never go away, matters of the heart, being thrown back into the mix with my brothers, in the beginning but being torn away because of circumstance and need for money, now i can't see them again, the goals i have and things i want for the future seem so bleak right now, and my mind has started to drop bad things into my mind about trying out for the silverbacks in march, what if i can't do it, what if i fail again.... and i know i say it alot and im not the only person who feels it, but the loneliness is terrible, i want someone to share my joys and my fears, someone i can be with, someone who i can make feel better when she's not or to help me feel better when im not.... everything that has happened found its seem in my well protected fasade yesterday... and i may have hurt someone that was very very close to me that i care about alot... if not hurt just really pissed off.



and i know this apology holds little to no water, after what i did last night, but i do apologize.

I am trying so hard to fight passed these problems and feelings and shoot for the happy side of life... and i will not stop fighting no matter what i say, and i will get there eventually, i just hope that you will be able to put up with my shit until i get there.



and i know i had no right to say what i did... especially after the shit that i pulled, the whole time we've known eachother, but something i have to say is that i have told you more times then drunk or through a friend, those are two of the numerous times i have told you how much i care and how much i want to be with you!!

I have to you staight and sober, and i would have told you face to face but you told me not to.... and nomatter what happens i will always want you to be with me......



but for now all i can say is i am ashamed of how i acted last night, and for my comment before i abrubtly left.... and that i am sorry...

fucking eh... i just worked from 11.00am till 2.00am so yeah figure that one out..... bing times up your answer? thats absolutely right a long fucking shift... lmao, anyway it was of my choice... kinda... worked has officially 'fucked me' for the first time, i am labeled as a full time employee, so why is it that next week i am sheduled... hold for it...



4 shifts? and the kicker? three of them are under 4 hours long..... omg! bullshit!@#!##!



anyway today was fun... i work tomorrow 5 - 9 which in its self was supposed to be 11.30 - 9, before the bitch twins cut it in half and gave a part away... but im not bitter....

i just have $4000 more to pay to creditors who don't leave me the fuck alone... and why the fuck is my poor ass (poor as in broke) giving away hours to rich fucking highschool kids who need money to pay for the insurance for the BMW or Dodge Truck their daddy's baught for them... wait not even that... they need spending money to go out when they drive the BMW and Dodge trucks their daddy's baught and pays the insurance for..... goddamit...



anyway thats enough of a rant...im tierd and i gotta go to bed.. night all.

so what did i do today???



Well besides work i came back, and made dinner... a breadded chicken, blend of herbs and spices, and a touch of maple syrup.... then baked, so good... damn im good. lol.... it was so worth the burn.



anyway...

this weekend is football again, waiting for my brother to call to see if they can come to play...





i am in a state of..... strange hopefulness, and upon some... advice foom a very close friend of mine, i am letting go abit, or trying to... just going with the flow.



anyway, thats all for now.

so after my 24 hour stint in bed yesterday... for some unknown reason i was unable to even force my way out of bed... strange.



anyway today was boring but ok, wrote alittle, and watched some football.. laundry and chilled...



thats bout it, have an unquenchable thirst to create something in the kitchen...



I WANT TO COOK SOMETHING FRESH!!!



eh ill have to wait until tomorrow....

aiight my head hurts...

and today was a BAD FUCKING DAY!!!



i am so upset right now, i was lifting way more then i should have to relieve the stress and anger.

i have no idea what its going to take to calm me, but today i bitched out my manager... the GM... then almost rippd Doug a new face... Lisa the GM bewiddled me to the last straw today.... her constant stupidity, masked by her own thaught that she knows something, combined with her complete and utter lack of respect for everyone else, got me completely fumed... so when i had enough i told her so... quite loudly.

then Doug the jackass... joined in because he was having a bad day, so he decided to harp other people.... it took every ounce of strength and im proud of mysefl because he gave me the look that he wanted me to, if for no other reason then so he could leave, as he hates his job entirely..........



and then the rest of the day was.... painful to say the least.... goddamn it!!!!



FFFFFFF********CCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!



...sorry had to scream.....

the mind is a wonderful thing...

the heart is a pain causing thing...

the body is a useful thing...



and to think all three combined makes a concious being...

so i start my fast today...

a three day fast, i feel so disconected from my beliefs and rituals... my ex, stopped me from continuing my beliefs, she didn't see the nesesity, so i did the prays in secret but eventually lost my connection, its sad that i had to.. in order to not get attacked verbally by her and her family.

now that im on my own again, and i have rebuilt my pride and self strength, if someone wants to be with me they will have to accept all of me...

the confusion sets in, and the goals are set, there is nothing to stop me but me, everything i want lies here in this stiched and tatered thing called a heart... i have rebuilt it yet again.

this time it shall survive, i will survive, i will strive for perfection.



My Dreams depend on it,

My Love depends on it,

My Heart depends on it,

I depend on it.

i have been signing on really late for the past while... (working long hours then the gym)



for anyone disgruntled... i hope none... i apologize..... to a degree.



In june 2007 i was 370 lbs, with awaiting health problems... now as of today i am 278lbs, built more and with a better physicality.

I cannot wait for march... if i keep this pace i may even break my goal of 3/4 my prime.

If i make the silverbacks... i have an added opertunity to be scouted and possibly make a CFL or NFL franchise....oh yeah after the backyard game... Doug told me that i may not have to try out for just Defensive Line, but i could if in appropriate shape make it as a runningback or even a linebacker... fuckin eh!!!

as for darts tonight i score 3rd best for our team with a 51 average... nice.



as for matters of family... i might be going this weekend to play some road hockey with my brothers and family... hopefully everything comes through...



... matters of the heart.... hmmm.... well its in one piece... almost, besides that... yeah not gunna go there...



anyway thats all for tonight i am tierd.... darts from 7 - 11 and then the gym from 11.30 - 1.30... just got home 30 minutes ago... wow, when do i work tomorrow???

who ever said that nice guys finish last....



im a prime example.

so i've been writing... working on my novel... i am 800 words short of 20 000... i need someone to read it and help me with some ideas on what i can add.... hmmmm.....

COMMENTS

-

---

BloodWhite
01:00 Jan 14 2008

you know i am here for you my dear

---

POST COMMENT

today was good...

my dad threw my mom a party for her birthday, it was fun. I got my mom a card, all I could afford right now, and I think it portrayed the way I am feeling right now.... so it was good.



then we were watching the football game... goddamn patriots I hate them soo much.... bastards...



anywho... i can't wait to play football tomorrow and then... maybe road hockey next week... maybe...



oh and i got a new book... hopefully on suggestion of Christina... the black dagger brotherhood series. the first, im going to start tonight.



but thats about it for now.... night all.

so today was alright.



i worked another 12 hours.... ugh...

and did legs at the gym. As i was afraid i am not up to my "prime" but i will strive to reclaim my physical prowess... hopefully in time for the siverbacks tryouts.



other then that, my mothers birthday was on the 8th and tomorrow my dad is throwing a sorta surprise birthday party... so it'll be fun... then im playing football with doug and the guys on sunday... a pretty packed weekend if i do say so... it'll be a welcome change.



anyway goodnight all.

so today i worked 12 hours, then went to the gym and worked out did a tone day to tone the newly built muscle from yesterday, and then i ran for 40 minutes.....



i've noticed im pretty far back from my prime...

i was only able to bench 130 yesterday... not even half of my best weight... and i haven't done legs..(tomorrow) but i don't think ill be close to the 1200lbs from back in highschool... alot of work still to come... but ill get there.



anyway im kinda tierd going to go relax in my room in a bit.. maybe ill sleep tonight who knows.... prolly won't say anything more.. night all.

aiight today was my first day in the gym since my ex told me she didn't want me to go 4 and a half years ago... and it was awesome... i feel so great, i need to drop 30 lbs of excess fat, and rebuild it with muscle by march for football tryouts... i can sooo do this.



anyway work was work, and i didn't do much but work out this afternoon...



anyway thats about it.. i can't wait to go workout tomorrow...



i hope everything is ok with christina.... i haven't heard from her much since she came back... *sigh* i guess she has some stuff to do...

yes... so today i went to crazy joes and got a membership...

tomorrow starts my workout and mission to re tankify myself.



work was aiight went slowly and had some fun over the intercom and some jokes with everyone... shawn the bastard... jks.



anyway ill write more later if i remember anything interesting....

i payed HBC today...



they are gone... yesssssss!!!!



and i dropped some money on some other bills too... and i still have money left for camping... i have to remember to reserve the site on the 18th.....



today was awesome, with the relieving of a bill, and the unexpected event... and then even darts was ok.... and the weather was really nice... what a weirdly awesome day.

aiight this sucks... the internet is being.... blah... and my uncle forgot the password to the other profile that is on the computer.... that has all my music... my novel... and ll my pictures stored on it.... goddamn........

aiight so today was alright, i worked had some fun, oh and i was doing a voice... i have discovered i have a very good english accent and everyone loves it... lmao....



anyway i was taking drive thru orders and these two girls come thru and im joking and doing the voice and all this and they're playin along, and it was so funny, so they drive around and tell Kenzie... the manager at that moment, that i was the best order taker they'd ever had... so awesome...



anyway thats bout it... still need to find out about the gym.... and on a very happy note as of monday... HBC will be paid off!!!

I MIGHT BE ABLE TO PLAY FOOTBALL AGAIN!!!!!



i was asked if i would want to try out for a semi pro team here in London... tryouts are in may.... must get back into some major shape.

and alas....



it is four hours until the undetaking of another year... i am alone... yet it is peaceful.



only regret is that by the time i rounded up enough money... the LCBO was closed.... dammit.



i bought a movie... and will spend my night lying in bed.... and just now do i realize how sad that really is.... *sigh*



hopefully the new year will bring a little less hurt, hate, pain, problems, and maybe a little more hope.



anyway ill be back on later to wish a happy new year, until then....