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I am getting fucking sick of people getting mad at others for NO FUCKING REASON or a VERY stupid reason!

I thought she knew better than to fall victim to her own lacking knowledge in magic...

I geuss not...

First bad vibes..

Now stupidity has strucken a person that I considered a sister...

Cursing people out of jeliousy, or for breaking what she likes to call "girl codes" is fucking ridiculus!

If she doesnt quite I will do a spell to break her ability to cast curses for a LONG time...

I am serious..

This is her warning..

Try to do this again, I will cancel your curses.

You are driving yourself in to a heap of bad karma. I wont let you do that to yourself.. Even if I have to deprive you of your workings.



~Freak~

I love Ash.

Wow here goes my heart jumping randomly to an unpredictable beat.. PARANIOD!!

All because of what was..

Er..

I hate this way of thinking...

Plus I am getting fed up with people again.. Never good.. I always lose a friend when I get like this...

What the fuck ever.. Soon It will end?

yeah.....

Sure.......

FUCKERS!







I miss AshNight...

Poor baby was sick...

*kisses and hugs her*

I love you AshNight

~Freak

Other news...

Electronica is wonderful music.. For that little moment I listen... I feel numb...

=]

Ever have that feeling..

The one that feels like you have a rope curled around your neck.. and that it is being pulled tighter and tighter each day?

I cannot cry no matter how hard I try or NEED to... And that feeling is the result...



Ever have that feeling...

The one that feels like you have a fuse on your head, and a timer to when it will reach its end on your forehead. You cannot see your timer because it is on your forehead, nor the fuse because it is so short.

I randomly get upset or pissed at things I know I shouldnt.... and that feeling is the result....



Ever have that feeling....

The one that feels like your heart cannot beat to a steady rythem, that it feels like if it does it will be destroyed. You cant keep from being paraniod about a simple "friendly" I love you.. when said to the one you love...

I am paraniod constantly about things that are so fucking stupid to be paraniod about...and that feeling is the result...



All three of these feelings are tearing me apart..

All three of these feelings are playing off of fear..

All three of these feelings are seeming like they will never dissapear...



I wish I could give every one the joy and happiness they deserve.. Then just fade away.. With out any traces.. Scares... Tears... Just slowly rot into my own sick twisted mind....

That would be the only way to remove those feelings... The only true time I could be content....



I love AshNight..

~Freak13

I am so fucking sick of my fucking mind...

It is driving me mad. I stayed up last night with a paranoid feeling and tears.

I hate this...

I hate me..

I miss her...

I havent talked to AshNIght all day..

It makes all worsen..

I FUCKING HATE MY MIND!!!



I am going to cry tonight... This insanity hurts the people around me and I so misserably...





THREE DAYS GRACE LYRICS



Animal I Have Become





I can't escape this hell

So many times i've tried

But i'm still caged inside

Somebody get me through this nightmare

I can't control myself



So what if you can see the darkest side of me?

No one would ever change this animal I have become

Help me believe it's not the real me

Somebody help me tame this animal

(This animal, this animal)



I can't escape myself

(I can't escape myself)

So many times i've lied

(So many times i've lied)

But there's still rage inside

Somebody get me through this nightmare

I can't control myself



So what if you can see the darkest side of me?

No one would ever change this animal I have become

Help me believe it's not the real me

Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

Help me believe it's not the real me

Somebody help me tame this animal



Somebody help me through this nightmare

I can't control myself

Somebody wake me from this nightmare

I can't escape this animal



This animal [x7]



So what if you can see the darkest side of me?

No one will ever change this animal I have become

Help me believe it's not the real me

Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

Help me believe it's not the real me

Somebody help me tame this animal

(This animal I have become)



This about summons it up..

*off to lose it..*

~Freak13~

I love AshNIght..

Dear I am sorry you have some one as fucking terrible as I..

Words can not describe what I feel now.. This feeling is so complex.. It has positives and negatives... I cant make up my mind.. My body cant choose just one.. I am holding all these feelings.. All these thoughts... That are so contradicting..... Sometimes life is just to fucking confusing...



~I love AshNight~

~Freak13

I cant do or say anything right.....

I am fucking sick.. litteraly... I cant have one conversation with out pissing someone or even myself off..

I Should do what I did in 4th grade... Sew my lips shut..

This beauty that some see in me.. Would be better silent...

=X

I vow to talk much less...

~Freak13



I love her...

I feel as if I am not good enough though...

After being raised,

with every who is close to me calling me worthless, calling me hidious, calling me stupid, calling me names simular to that negative degree.. I am stuck with that view..

I am trieing to see through what they have implanted in my mind.. NOT for my sake but for hers...

She calls me beautiful, she says I am not worthless, she says I am smart...

For me to see what she sees in me is to the hardest degree of challenge.

I am trieing for her..

Yet it seems not enough.. Or not quick enough.. One of the two...

How can hatred towards myself change so quickly? I dont know... It hasent yet..

I have put myself at her mercy...

She wants me to see her view.. I want her to know why I have mine...

..........................................................



Other news..

I stayed home sick..

I am PMSing and sick.. plus all this stuff that is going on...

JOY!



"Situations in life are like knifes.If you grab them by the wrong side you cut yourself deep. You grab them by the handle you can use them for defence."



I keep grabbing them by the blade...

Never can I handle ANY situation correctly.



........................................................................



She is mad at me..

I am frusterated....

I feel like shit..



I love AshNight...

~Freak13

Then realized it was TOO brutally honest... So I hit the Edit button and hit Backspace... Then typed this shit...

My past dreams consisted of people trying to kill me or someone dear to me..

They still consist of the same thing... This time though rather than waking up with a racing heart... I killed the one trying to hurt me.. I felt the blade twist and grind against his bones..

I am happy.

I defeated my monster in my fucked up dreams...

The dreams keep repeating though... I geuss my personality and knowledge increase with in the past months have caused these dreams...

Well Blah is me...

I love AshNight.

~Freak13