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I've been taking a long, hard look at my recent history and wondering why I've been so frustrated, depressed and stressed-out. Of course, the obvious factors of becoming a mother, working retail, and having my father die unexpectantly all play a factor in it. But, there is something more...something ongoing and more subtle. I didn't realize what it was before, but now I think I have it figured out...it's been my own intentional non-conformity.



Normally, this would be a good thing. I'm all about not just falling into step with society and being some kind of trained zombie. But, in my case, it's been a hinderance because I've been excluding myself from certain groups I've made myself a part of almost intentionally.



Some examples can be found on the message boards I frequent. The three main categories of these message boards are parenting, pagan spirituality, and the "dark" or vampire forums. In each category, I've tried to make myself a part of the groups there, yet at the same time, placed myself apart from them by emphasising all of the ways I'm not a part of them. Sounds like shooting myself in my own foot, does it not?



More specific examples....

In the parenting forums I find myself placed apart from the majority because I am not a SAHM, I don't breastfeed (or fall into the category of "crunchy"), I have no liking whatsoever for reality TV, soap operas, and/or talk shows. I also have zero desire to have anymore children and think the whole birthing process is rather icky. Most of the other women I've encountered in these forums think pretty much the opposite.

In the Pagan forums...well, I'm not 100% Pagan. I'm agnostic with a few Pagan leanings...e.g. I occasionally do energy work with forms inspired by certain deities. I'm not a big tree-hugger or environmental activist. I don't believe in the Threefold Law, the Law of Karma, or the Wiccan Rede. I don't own any pets and I kill most plants on contact. Again....all of these traits are quite different than the average Pagan.

In the vampire forums...well, I'm not a vampire either and never claimed or had any desire to be one. I'm not a goth and I'm not all angst-ridden, suicidal and/or sociopathic (some might debate the last, though). I do wear black on occasion, but I don't have any tattoos or piercings (aside from the good old normal single ear piercing). I'm not a dom or a sub and I have a pretty normal life and normal job.



Offline, I work a pretty normal job in retail management. But even in that, I feel the need to stand out. Most of my peers are the types to climb the corporate ladder by brownnosing, backstabbing and just trying to out-professional one another. Me, I come across to most as having the demeanor of just "one of the troops" rather than a manager. I don't care about bossing anyone around or trying to make myself look good.



I don't know....it's strange how I feel the need to be a part of something, yet I push myself away from the very groups I wish to be a part of. I guess it's just that I feel that I'm lost some of my uniqueness and have to regain it in a negative way. But the first step to beating this is recognizing it....