Hope it makes you laugh on occasion :)16:32 Jun 20 2006
Times Read: 577
Deep Questions :
1 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5 Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10 What is the speed of darkness?
11 Are there specially reserved parking spaces for non-disabled people at The Special Olympics?
12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is
>it a hostage situation?
18 Can you cry under water?
19 What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
26 Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ........... they're still going to see you naked anyway.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005, WHEN??..
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work and still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home and accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12 You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have for the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no number 9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a number 9 on this list.
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING AT YOURSELF
Now for some British Royals:
As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.
When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla
retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince
Phillip's.
Because of the type of construction done following the Windsor Castle fire, the adjoining walls were made of plasterboard.
As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped On the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."
The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, But it was stuck fast.
"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody
tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!"
There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed,
"There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."
Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to
the throne.
At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy.
once a Navy man, always a Navy man. “
Dont Break in houses unless you stake it first :P
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score and then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed.."What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
This one i thought was funny :)
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty.
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye & yer husband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful!" And how is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!!"
One more about differences about Men and Women
1. NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go 4 shopping, to water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. FINAL THOUGHT:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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