07:45 Jul 11 2013
Times Read: 877
The person to whom this is addressed is not a member of the Rave. But nevertheless, those who read it should understand it well enough. To the person for whom I write this, though you will most likely never see this reach the light of day:
I don't love you, anymore. Not after what you did to me. You claimed that you would love me completely, as a whole, to the day you died. Obviously, that wasn't so. When I needed you to have faith in me, you walked away, because of something that I couldn't even try to 'defend', since I was without a means to do so.
You left me eight months ago, after we had been together for two years. The blink of an eye, for Me. But I know that for you, it was quite some time, since I obviously don't age like you do, nor do I see or feel time as you do.
For Me, a month can feel like a single day, at times. For you, a single day is evidently like the span of a week, if not an eternity.
Especially since you've abandoned who you once were, you've fallen too far for redemption, even deeper than I could ever make the attempt. You've forsaken who you were, because of the lies of others, claiming to you that I lied about whom and what you are, even though I saw it as strong as the daylight clamps down on my flesh like a hydraulic press given enough juice to blow the fuses inside.
You have always known that I can see what others can't. You have known that what I see, I have for longer than you've been alive. I've been able to see things since I was born, regardless of what state my mind or my eyes have ever been in. You have known that I can see the Souls of the Lost and Forgotten, the Passed and everything that lies inside. Such is what I am, and you never once doubted so, because you did, a few times, see things through My eyes. And you knew that I wasn't lying to you, when I showed you that. Unfortunately, that was some time ago, now, for both of us. But you never even doubted what I a,m, because you've watched it happen right in front of you. I had warned you about it, in the past, and you held no doubt in your mind of it, because you knew that something about me was more than just "different". Even back then, you knew that people called me "Monster", and you knew what I was capable of, and still am. Yet, you held no fear of me, and you told me that you would love me to the day you were put in the ground, even if I decided not to give you the youth that I have evidently come to embrace in an eternity of walking on this earth in another form.
Before I knew who you really were, not just in mind, but in Spirit, and in your physical body, you made me promise that I would never leave you, no matter what. I never broke that promise. I stayed by you, through Hell and High Waters. Even after I learned who you were, I kept my promise, despite how much I heard the voice in my head screaming at me, to leave you. I had promised to love you for as long as we were together, and I did just that. I didn't break my promise to you. You broke it, for me. So, in that regard, I should thank you. Though it was against my will, you freed me from a pain, the likes of which I haven't known in ages... the curse of being trapped in a relationship of love, based upon a promise from the mouth of a man who hates liars, hates to lie, and therefor refuses to do so... in that way, unfortunately, I am still a man of my word. But on the fortunate side of it all, I never had to break my promise. You decided to break it for me, though on the grounds of words from those that we both once trusted - people I no longer do nor can trust, due to their evident serpentine ways.
You seem to believe that I "can't live without you". Hell, you made the statement, yourself. I heard it as loud and as clearly as the ringing of the bells of a cathedral, in the midst of the so-called "Christmas Holiday".
It's funny, really. I don't remember the last time I was this 'happy', though, for Me, "happiness' is just a word create to describe a feeling of evident and supposed "joy" that is brought along by a said circumstance, creating a reaction in chemicals in the brain. (Strange. I sound like Nikola Tesla.)
As it is, I am making plans to go see the sister that I never knew I had, until I came across the Rave. People began telling me about how much she and I look alike, and the next thing I knew, I met her on video. Lo and behold, what people were telling me was entirely true. I even went so far as to do my own research into it all, and as it seems, I really am her brother. Funny, considering the fact that I grew up again, believing I was either an "only child" or simply that my true family had abandoned me. In that, I was wrong on both counts. But now, I've come to find myself making plans to go see her, to get to know my evidently 'older' sister, by whom I am seen not as "little" brother or "big" brother, but simply as the equal in more than one way.
Along with my plans to see my sister, I have come to strangely enough love another. A beautiful woman from the one piece of my past that had been shrouded in my memory, like placing a thick black veil so heavy that the mere thought of it almost seemed an illusion to my eyes and my mind, until I was driven to delve deeper into my own memories than I had ever gone, before; bringing myself back to the day/night I "came into the world" as what I am. And even further. So much so, that the very thought of the memory caused me pain that I couldn't describe. It brought me, completely to tears of both pain and joy, after I was left to my own thoughts.
In love with another, from my past, whom though I may or may not ever see that love returned in the same way, I love her nonetheless. Physicalities and lust set aside, as I feel they should be, I love her more than words can possibly accurately describe. And I am willing to 'live' and perish for that love. Why do I love her? Simple. Because though my love for her brings me suffering unlike any other, I have come to realize that I love that suffering almost as much as I love her... I know that regardless of whether or not I become what I once wanted, yet failed to realize my obviously already-fleeted capability of being so, I will still always be there for her, and I know that she remains loyal, even if only as a friend. That pain I am willing to suffer for eternity, if I must.
I've come to know that I've had a sister that I never knew, and I know that there is something linking us that can't be explained in mere words, either. And that is part of what brought me and my sister together. I can feel it in my bones alone. The other part is not one but Two-- our bloodlines, and our Kindred Souls. Confused? Maybe you should be. There are some things of which you are not meant to understand.
In short, what I am saying here, can all be summed up with this--
Consider This my parting words to you, 'young fallen child'... I have moved on, just as you said you have. But evidently, thus is only true for one of us. You seem to think that I can't live without you. But in all reality, it's the other way around. What makes it pathetic is the fact that you aren't willing to admit it, simply because you have been around the one person who teaches you to be lackadaisical and sedentary in your personality and more willingly deaf and blind than the man with whom I reside with his soon-to-be wife.
I've moved on, from you. I no longer love you, and that is that. Unlike you, I don't hide behind the silver-tongued lies and shells of others, to keep myself safe. I'm a soldier, at the core. I face my problems, head-on, and I don't give a damn if I have to tear down the walls of reality and life, itself, to accomplish my 'mission', whatever it may be. I refuse to hide behind words based upon social and personal malformation, spoken from the lips of those who can't even speak a word of truth to save their own lives.
A Demon from the deepest depths of Hell, though I am... I don't back down, and when I make a promise, I keep it. Luckily, you broke my promise for me. Having you leave me based on the lies of others only gave me the freedom I now know I truly desired.
Whether you want me back or not is immaterial, as is whether or not you want something from me, or what it may be. My standing statement remains -- It Will Not Be Happening. Period. I don't care if you want me back. Even if you come crawling back to me, on your hands and knees, begging me to take you back... it won't happen. I would choose to be in asylum for eternity, and deal with the love I have for another tearing me apart inside, before I ever take you back. You've fallen. Get accustomed to My rejection, now. Because it is all you will ever get. You are no longer what nor whom you once were. I won't live with someone who denies what they are, simply because they are told it is bullshit. You know where my knowledge and my understanding come from, and you know how far it goes. I may not understand this world, worth shit, but I can easily and very quickly put you down, in shame long before you ever even realize what happened. You walked away from Me. That only helped me to walk away from You, as I should have done in the beginning.
Hereto, and therefrom, I bid you a permanent, bittersweet and paradoxical farewell. Don't let the bitterness you've brought upon yourself be your impending doom, "daughter of Ra". I've buried you beneath the stones of memory. Now, Stay there, where you belong.
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