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I think I may have figured out where I am to go, when I'm done in the place where I currently am. Since, apart from my job, and my divorce, there is nothing here for me; once a year has passed since my return, it will be time for me to move myself along. However, I'm going to give it a little bit of time between now and then, to see just how I need to "play" things out, since, though I do tend to live day-by-day, I don't like to make what I consider to be "hair-brained decisions". But I do tend to be a slight "risk-taker", to a point. So, the finale of my time in this place will likely prove quite interesting, given the fact that I have to watch my ass around here.
The funny thing is that I've already spent numerous sleepless days and nights (if not weeks), since I came back to this place in the northern hemisphere, pondering where I would be choosing to go, after I've finished off what I need to do. And in all the irony, I've also encountered something that, while I didn't expect it, in the least... I can certainly feel the "call" of it, which only makes my will to keep going that much stronger, now. But... time, alone, will have to assist me in deciding what full "move" I make after I've gotten this damn divorce finalized.
I just know that I can't bring myself to remain in this place any longer than a year, given what I've been noticing of the surrounding environment. Too damn volatile, even for my taste.
Well, you have a goal in your life. I think u know exactly how you make your plans.
Kind of ironic... The timing of when this one came out...
11:27 Aug 31 2021 Times Read: 443
This actually came out at about the same time that I was working in security, and the trouble with marriage was starting to really rise. It was a big message to me, but of course... someone didn't like the message it gave me. Lol
Not like I really give much of a crap, considering I knew what was coming, anyway, and I did my absolute damnedest to drive the woman away, when we met, fours years ago. I still can't believe it took her four years to see that I was right, when I told her "I Am Not The One For You".
More like I was just stupid enough to ignore my own intuition - considering the fact that I knew we shouldn't have been together, in the first place. But I'm not going into specific detail in any of it.
Who said I was feeling "down"? Lol
When I posted this video up, it was just because I came across it in one of my playlists - for some reason, it was suggested in said playlist, even though I don't have it in any of my personals.
I didn't know you where getting divorced will you messg me sometime?
Yet another classic... And No... I couldn't resist it.
15:17 Aug 29 2021 Times Read: 463
Have to admit, it's along the same lines as "Never Let You Go", but it's not "Rick-Roll". Lol Besides, even the movie associated with it is a classic and a half... tell me I'm wrong.
Well, after what I saw just a little bit ago, I think it's definitely safe to say that I know exactly what I need to do with the place I'm being offered and remain sitting on the offer of...
No way in Hell am I taking over the place, unless it is to just turn it out and over. I actually decided to take a photo of this one, too, actually, and the sequencing in it all is absolutely twisted. I would say "spooky", but considering I've just learned that some things tend to be a sign of what's to come or a reminder of an equally or even more twisted facet... I can only say "absolutely twisted".
I deleted my prior entry about this, simply because of what I saw earlier, and I'm fairly sure that anyone who knows the significance of numeric meaning(s) will be able to understand this one...
18:50 (6:50 PM),
August, 20, 2021
This is the date that I had set my "kismet" to what it is now. Well, that's not even half of this entire thing...
Ready for the weird part of all this? August 20th, of 1994, was the day that the "twisted/dark" incident I mention happened at this house. Twenty-seven years ago, as of last week. If you're curious about what I mean by "dark incident", then you can either straight up message me and ask, or just read my old entries (I'm sure I left something in there about it, at some point). Most likely in my prior Personal entries.
Now, the exact time at which said incident happened, is equally weird. 18:50 (or 6:50 PM). And it was just after Midnight, that I found myself standing at the door to this house, said twenty-seven years ago. In fact, if I remember right, it was roughly a quarter of the hour aft, give or take.
Now, as I have said to someone that I've already come to hold more dear to me than anyone I've ever had in my life... IF I believed in such things as "coincidence", this kind of shit would fall smack in the middle of that. But frankly, given the fact that I don't believe in "coincidence" and that I've been debating on the idea of taking up the offer of taking this land over, for the past months since I returned... Yeah, I don't think so.
I've actually been wondering why, for the past week or more, I've been seeing what looks like a little three-year-old running around the house, with medium-length blonde hair. And then I looked back up at the old photos that hang on the walls here, and I realize I'm seeing the "spirit" of the boy who disappeared from the face of the planet, on this property, twenty-seven years ago. Call me "delusional", if you want. But there is no way that can be "coincidence". Not a chance in Hell.
I thought for years, that the kid just vanished without a trace. Now, I know something else entirely happened. So, I think I might know why the guy wants me to take the place over, and I'm not going for it, unless it's just to get rid of the place. I may be an old exorcist, but I know when an entity is fully attached to a place, enough that it doesn't want to let go. And this is one of said cases.
Either the boy that lived in this house is still here and doesn't want to go, or the land has held a hold on him for these many years. Either way, however, I'm not getting in the middle of this one. Something about it is just too fishy.
Go figure, I put FFDP videos up, and suddenly the damn page goes nuts on me... I should probably be used to that, by now, but screw it, I suppose. I guess I just wasn't supposed to put those ones up, or something.
I know, right? In terms of the metal genre, it ranks up there in my top five, for love songs. Lol
Just can't help this one, tonight...
02:10 Aug 23 2021 Times Read: 640
I know the song doesn't exactly match my mood or mindset. But it popped up on the TV, earlier, and I couldn't help myself. After all, it is a classic oldie (and I don't care who disagrees Lol).
Well, I've gotten one minute thing out of the way, in the direction I'm going. Yet there are so many more micro-steps to take, it seems almost ridiculous. But now, I have a new idea hitting me, that I just can't let go of; and I'm putting it in my poetry entries, once I have it done. But until then, I'm just working on it, in my physical journal, until I have it right, which may take a little while. But there is one person for whom it is intended, and when it's done, I think someone might be quite surprised.
Oooo I am Soo excited!!!! I can't wait!!! I hope the person it's meant for sees it!!!
History's Repetition...
17:58 Aug 17 2021 Times Read: 707
Yes, I deleted my last entry.
Now, don't get it "twisted", as they say. It isn't for whatever reason (or multiple thereof) I'm sure is likely to be assumed. More because I really don't care too much for it, when I see a repeating history. And that is actually exactly what I see happening, in one regard.
After re-reading my own prior entry, I realized that there was something that needed to be paraphrased, but frankly, I know I would've found it too much of a headache to do that, so I just said "fuck it" and deleted the damn thing. However, the one thing that I do think evidently bears the need for clarification (thanks to a certain someone who apparently likes to think she is "calling me out")...
At this point, however, the irritation is only beginning to cause something a little more... disheartening. So I'm just going to disconnect from it, to avoid the obviously rising drama that I already know is about to come from it. Granted, I know that my attempt to avoid it is going to fail, but it might be worth the shot. But frankly, I think that before trying to "call out" something or someone because you don't like what they say... you might want to be sure you know that you, yourself are in a position to do that. And yes, I also already know that there is bound to be a repeat, in this, too. But it does seem to be that when I try to speak in any fashion to that of a "normal" person, my words are always either backwards, themselves, or something gets fucked up in transition, anyway. And that is getting really annoying. And I'm just waiting to see the same manner of comment made to this as my last entry. Though the repetition really is getting old. Perhaps I should've just left things to sit as they were years ago, and not bothered to speak, in the first place.
I know I'm a 'madman' with a twisted view of things. But come on, already.
You should be able to express yourself in any way you want... That is the meaning of a website like this in the first place. Normal people make normal comments. U need to o find the *pearl* in the pig stall so to say. So fuck them and just do what you wish.
Be that as it may, the biggest reason I had deleted the entry prior to this was because I realized that my statement had gotten lost in translation. Besides, the scenario/situation is long-enough passed, already, that it doesn't matter, at this point.
As the old phrase goes; "water under the bridge".
It's a funny thing...
20:50 Aug 10 2021 Times Read: 794
It is a funny thing, to give up on something such as "love" - at least, in some cases.
Don't get me wrong, I know that there are obviously a great many out there who thrive for their love/lover/loved ones. But in some cases, something like that just seems... impossible. If you catch my meaning.
Admittedly, I have lost all of my hope for it, personally. And it may seem somewhat like a round or a "ring" of "self pity", but when one really thinks about it... what is love? Is it supposed to be an emotion? Perhaps just a word? A connection the word implies?
You see, in my time, I have learned that there are just some beings/individuals that apparently defy not only the laws of existence and sheer reality... but the very laws of what is supposed to be permanently ingrained in the mind's perceptions.
I gave up on things like "love", simply because despite how long I've been around, and how many times I've walked through the fires of Hell (both literal and metaphoric), I have only ever found one thing awaiting me, at the end of that "tunnel" and road. And it damn sure has never been "love".
Just earlier, today, I put a new piece in my "Poetry" entries - a very faint depiction of something of my own past, which, in all honesty, I do wonder just how many who read it will grasp the full meaning. Since slowly letting loose on the lyrical chains, so to speak, I consistently try to find ways to translate what goes on in my mind, on a daily basis. But the strange thing is that since I can't really feel emotion, anymore... it does get a little bit difficult to translate those things into appropriated words. At least, words that others would understand. And trust me, when I say that many years ago, my writing was absolutely brutal. Yet now, I find myself more... "jammed", so to speak, in the numbed state in which I have been for awhile, now, and I don't really know how to express emotion - even if I could feel it. And I will admit that, to a point, anyway, a small part of me does want to know what those emotions may be like. But in the same regard, most of me would just prefer to not hazard the chance of it, given what I have had to know for the past many years.
Again, some may think of it as "self pity". But if you really think about it, by the very laws of the mind, You Are What You Deny. So, is it really "self pity", when you don't feel? It is actually denial to think of it in that manner, believe it or not; simply because those who try to label such a thing as "emotional numbness" as "self pity" are the ones actually trying to avoid thinking about what goes on in their own heads. It's kind of a contradiction, really. And yes, I am more than well aware that won't make sense to some, and I honestly couldn't care less. Lol
Remember, in addressing one like myself, you address someone/something that was once as "mentally correct" as you may perceive of yourself. But after having walked through an existence that, frankly, I know of no other who would survive even a fraction of it... I kind of wonder just how much most people can really handle, when they only view the "monster in the closet" that actually lies within the Self that you might call "perfectly fine".
If you really know yourself, then you don't often feel the need to judge another. Yet I see so many, these days, who feel so inclined to throw the stones of judgment, as though they, themselves, are "pure of heart". But very few ever stop to consider the fact that perhaps it is in one's own vanity that they create a monster, and project it upon others they judge, who become numb from the suffering, when what could have been done, instead, would easily prevent the creation of a "monster" to the mind of the world people see around them.
In short, a small fraction of my personal view is simple: One person does not typically create a monster, nor choose to be one. The world creates monsters, in each and every action, and those "monsters" only become true monsters, because they are fueled by a hatred fed by the very world that created them. And people wonder where psychopaths and homicidal murderers are born...
You know, some days, I really do think that I know way too much for my own good.
One of the best answer i have read, Love explains why we are here on earth. Love can be of different forms and ways.If a child was not loved by their parents or anyone they turn inward and become emotionally stunted or worse.Love between humans serves the purpose of being on this planet.When one is forced to live without it,they become disenchanted with life no matter how they try to look at it. Even loneliness of a hermit is not a richly rewarding life by loving standards.
It doesn't matter to me...no matter what you say, I will always have faith that you will find "the one" for you. Love is the greatest driving force there is, the greatest power, next to fear and anger. You can't deny it. It drives us all and we are all meant to be in love and be loved. I believe that with my whole soul. I know there is someone for you...
Not Really Sure, On This One...
15:24 Aug 09 2021 Times Read: 820
As of late last night, I have begun to strongly ponder where I want to go in the next year or so, after I have things set completely straight, again,
Frankly, there is little of anything holding me where I am, at present, though I am simply waiting until I actually have things fully together before I decide to do anything.
The place where I currently am, well... I lived in this place for around twenty years, and it was never anything more than one demented scenario & situation, after another. And frankly, the ended up driving me to some pretty bad situations, over that given twenty years. Eventually, things just got bad enough that I was actually given a choice of leaving or having to face something pretty damn drastic, which... obviously, I'm sure everyone would be able to guess what I chose to do. Needless to say, however, given that I was never really one meant for most social interaction, I ended up still finding myself in some pretty... interesting situations, even in my time away. I found myself consistently (and unwittingly, I might add) "playing superman" when I should've just kept along my way. But of course, morality always got in my way, on that one.
Now, however, I just find myself wanting to go somewhere different. Preferably, a place with some sort of meaning to it or within it. But at present, I'm not fully sure where I want to go, beyond that factor.
Obviously, I'm more than well aware that things everywhere have become rather "edgy", over the past couple of years. But frankly, I'm less concerned with that than I am simply with the "change of scenery". I don't mind the idea of going to a place where I've already passed through, before, but I am trying to find some options to weigh out...
Easier said than done, when I've been to and from so many places. Lol
Really, I just want to find somewhere that I actually feel "at home", even if I've already been there before. But there are some places, even in the U.S., to which I will never go (the West Coast and Louisiana being among those places).
I lost my taste for Louisiana when I found out an old friend of mine was arrested (and convicted) for something he didn't do - he's still locked up, now - and that's also where my wife decided to leave me. Suffice to say, if I did go there, I would immediately sense everything, and know where everyone is. Don't feel like dealing with that one.
As for the West Coast, well... I'm already not much of a fan of the tropical areas. And a good chunk of the West Coast, that I have seen, at least, is just that, unless you're talking about everything between Northern Cali and the highlands of Washington.
You will end up where you belong even if you have to take some other roads to get there.
Goddamn dreams... Getting Weirder and Weirder... And I'm STILL Groggy From it.
04:14 Aug 09 2021 Times Read: 843
You know, it's one thing when you seem to constantly have old nightmares constantly reverberating through your head, and eventually get accustomed to them. But then, something weird seems to happen, and suddenly, the dream world seems to mix with the physical, to a point of having you waking up, look at yourself, through the darkness of your quarters, and asking "What The Hell Is Going On"...
I finally managed to get a little bit of sleep, this morning, and already had back-to-back dreams, almost as weird as they come. But lying down to close my eyes for a little while, this late afternoon, since I was still feeling groggy, well... apparently, that wasn't the best of ideas, or something else is going on that I'm not getting, because this time, the dreams were really fucking strange.
Mind you, about two or three months ago, I began seeing someone in my dreams that had me waking up sweating bullets (almost literally), and those particular dreams seemed to subside for awhile. But what seems really odd is that now, I lie down, and back-to-back, I get hit with sights of things that I don't recall having seen before, for one. And for two, every part of me is standing there, looking in pure befuddlement and confusion, as apparently, am I, Myself.
Now, I'm accustomed to having weird dreams, sure. But not quite like this.
Originally, these dreams began as seeing the person; a brunette female, faintly smiling at me, before looking off into the distance, whereto I am in the midst of combat, using a blade that I know for a fact doesn't even exist yet (because I was the one who designed it, and I know exactly what I designed it to be made from - mind you, I still have the blueprints from it, which, that alone, is kind of weird, but I won't get into it now), while I'm using the blade with one hand, and using my other, bare hand, literally like a bear would - clawing through everything, around me, while I'm slashing with said blade.
Now, the weirdest part of THAT dream is simply the fact of the person I saw, smiling at me; since I also know damn well that I have yet to meet said individual, and... frankly, I'm pretty sure the chances, alone, are slim, at best. But that one, I'm fairly certain I've figured out. What is confusing me, Now, is the Latest, that just hit me, earlier. And boy, this one is Fucking WEIRD, To BOOT...
All I can really say is that it involves a strange "closeness" that I am far from used to, yet it also involves the Real me. Meaning, the side of myself that I don't typically talk about, simply because most like to assume it's no more than "crazy talk". Well, this one, however, I'm still trying to get enough of a "grasp" on to explain it, just to Myself, before I try explaining it to anyone else. But then, in all honesty, I'm not even sure I should be putting this in Here, considering I'm pretty damn sure it's not going to be easily understood by many (If any one, at all).
But, of course, once again, my brain starts kicking into a level that I don't recall having been to in a long time. And admittedly, that actually kind of messes with me, on a strange level.
The REAL YOU being one of a few YOUs?
Sorta how if a mirror breaks into three huge chunks...the pieces glued back together....back to ONE mirror yet still is three pieces.
Ya that happens to people.
The Breaking.
If by "breaking", you mean a sense of "self-fracturing", yes, I can understand that fairly well. But I'm more accustomed to being that one "weirdo" to whom everything else strange under the sun happens - I'm not accustomed to crap like that, so I'm still caught a little "off", so to speak.
Not that it really matters, but...
00:40 Aug 06 2021 Times Read: 912
I'm not going to make a big "rant" about this - I would rather just keep it to the point.
It doesn't really matter for anything, but I'm really beginning to wonder just how mature some people are, when they just 'block' a person, out of the blue. I think people fail to realize or remember the simple fact that I am an asshole to the bone, and that factor won't be changing any time soon. However, I'm not without my senses, or a "strange" sense of humor.
If you really feel that 'blocking' me will really do anything, then that's your prerogative, I suppose. But remember that it does a lot more to actually have the nerve to say something "to the person's face", so to speak. I don't care if you are in the same general vicinity as they are, or is you live on opposite ends of the galaxy. Keep in mind, that if I have a problem with someone, I have absolutely no trouble in speaking my mind. And I have a much greater respect for those who would do the same, no matter how much it takes for them. If you have to bite your tongue with ME, of all people, or hide behind something else, when I make no attempts to hide, then there is something very wrong, there.
This being said, pal, You are only the second person I can think of who has chosen to 'block' me, when you could easily just say something straight to me, be it privately other out in the open (which I would give even greater credit for), to get whatever problem you might have with me out of the way and into the open. I respect those who share the same respect for me. That being stated, if I speak My mind, I expect others to do the same, even if whatever they may have to say isn't something I like. Plain and simple.
So, I will wait and see just what kind of person you really are. And I really hope you're the individual of fortitude that you claim in your over abundance of "publicizing" it.
And keep in mind, no names will be mentioned here, unless you to whom I refer want it done. If you really have a problem with me and you don't want it to become known by others, then that's fine. Just message me and say it, and I will respect you enough, just for approaching me about whatever the problem may be. Until then, buddy.
Well, the character is either a "drama queen", or can't handle my sense of humor. I know I've made my kind of humor quite obvious, in the time that I've been back to the Rave, and I've since given people more than ample warning that my sense of humor is kind of "strange". But again, it doesn't really matter much, considering I still have no idea what I may have done to warrant a 'blocking'.
But that also isn't saying much, considering someone else had blocked me a month ago, for simply speaking my mind. Lol
"Don't wear your heart on your sleeve" would be the moral of my words, there.
The What, Why, and Furthermore (this one may likely see editing or addition as time progresses)
12:32 Aug 03 2021 Times Read: 935
Here is an interesting taste of irony... since my recent 'denouncing', I suppose you could say, of an emotion that clearly only caused me what seemed to be unending amounts of Hell, I thus, obviously, decided to redo my profile photo, a little bit. And quite an interesting thing occurred in the process of doing the photo.
Mind you, one obviously can't really tell by simply looking at it, but I actually had to use the flash on my camera, and it still barely showed. So, of course, the only thing I was able to do was raise the lighting of the image, which, of course... still didn't really do much. Lol The image was still, naturally, dark. Much darker than it probably "should have been". Now, I know that my eyes are typically a very pale tone of blue. But the funny thing is that as I delve into my deeper and 'darker' Self, I tend to have an interesting effect on things. One of which being that my eyes will turn a much darker shade, often times, appearing almost as a "storm cloud" tone of their color; which, in and of itself, is a slight taste of irony, given the fact that there is an interesting thing to note about those with eyes of any shade of blue. If someone needs any clarification of that, then yes, I will give it, but it would probably be better if you did your own research into it.
But in all of this irony, I find it funny that in giving in to my own "insanity", madness, inner darkness, whatever you want to call it... the eyes are still showing exactly what I am opening up, as they seem to darken to their oldest and deepest shade.
When I said earlier, in my "kismet"... ... "unleashing the 'demon' "... I didn't just mean that in metaphor. The metaphoric meaning is only the start.
In case the latest piece of my evident "lyrical opus" is of no indicative, I've decided to just say "fuck it" and let my true chaos simply flow again. It seems that's the way I am supposed to be, anyhow, so I need to stop fighting it. I have always been a naturally "chaotic" creature, to the bone, so there really isn't much point in me trying to hide or hold it back, when everything I know and see only wants to bring it all out of me, in the first place.
So, I suppose, if people want to see what really lies within this evidently... "twisted" mind... then I will only warn you to be careful of where you tread, because if you venture too far, I can guarantee you probably won't like what you see. But for those unprepared to see it, then I almost feel bad for you, because there is much more to know about this monstrosity than what you can possibly fathom. So, I suppose, it's time to let the gut-wrenching thoughts of the inner demon out to play, and this time, I'm not putting him back in his cage. In fact, I've decided to say "fuck it all", and erase the cage from existence.
COMMENTS
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Cavenblair
19:50 Aug 31 2021
Well, you have a goal in your life. I think u know exactly how you make your plans.