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*For warning this is not a plee for help or pitty it's just to get my feelings out.



So I have to admit I wasn't the perfect soilder. I spent most of my time in the army in a mental hospital. And I think I need to go back in. I'm thinking of admitting myself again. I don't feel stable in the least bit. I keep thinking of ways to harm myself. I recently went by an old lovers profile and though she hasn't been on this site in months I went back to an old journal that she wrote. I've read it before but finally decided to come up with the words sort of. I still love her. But in our confusion she found someone else that she loves. Her lover is in fact my slave. If I still have ownership to call her that. ......ack.....I don't know what I want to say I can barely type right now. In her journal she wrote that she only infauated with lust for me and now she has to tell me. Bullshit. She was never going to tell me she just waiting for me to read her journal in the fact that I did. I feel like an asshole. At the same time good fucking riddens. And at the same time what the fuck!!!! She never ased how I felt. I constanlty asked her, her feelings. But she's very personal and doesn't just open up. In a way I just want to tell her to grow up. She clams to hide behind masks but I can see right through every single one. See that's the thing I don't tell people how much I know. So in the fact that she waited for me to read her journal I'll just wait until she reads mine. I say a lot of things I don't mean. I said a lot of things that made it seem like I was over it and telling her to move on. Everything just seems overwhelming and it doesn't help that when I came out of the hospital they didn't give me any medications to take with me but they gave me a list of all my medications and tolled me to take them as perscriped and didn't give me any. So I've gone cold turkey off some pretty heavy medications and I'm a little fucked up in the head. Before I left and actually throughout the begining of High School I hid behind songs of justice, partying, letting it all out, and hate. While I was alone singing my songs of refuge I became louder, obnoxious at some times, and funny. Life of the party. And then I found some happiness outside of my Anger loaded fun and I change dermatically. While I was away I got into my old swing. But I'm still different. It's been auwfuly hard for me to reajust to everything. I feel like I'm going to walk up and be back in basic. Now I must say that I did complete basic and I went into AIT (advanced individual training) for about a good month and a half before I went into the hospital the first time. I admit I broke down as soon as I got back to Bas. I dont' know what I'm saying. I guess I should end this



I wish She could listen to this song with me...

The Doors.