background for James Fairweather 13:53 Aug 24 2010
Times Read: 568
1032 London
Written in English
Today is the first day I decided to follow through with this stupid idea of a journal. I keep asking myself why? Is it to keep me sane?, to keep track of this crazy thing called my life now?, or maybe it’s a hope that one day after all of this is done with and I’m long gone, someone will find this and not make the same mistakes I have. A long shot I know but hell I’ve been lucky before.
It’s a good thing I was put through a proper education by that son of a whore who ran the compound or I wouldn’t even be writing this now, hell I wouldn’t even know what to think of my situation. Here I am stuck in a bunk in the bottom of a warehouse waiting for orders from that immortal basterd who calls himself a Ventrue. Well for the viewing audience that may ever get the chance to learn from my mistakes you can call me James Fairweather, and this is my story.
My short life started about 35 years ago back in a rot hole in the port side of Thames, my mother was a whore and my father a sailor or at least that’s what I have been told by those that knew her, I was raised by a friend to the family so to speak. Well you could say that is a bit of a lie, I was raised by the landowner of half of that damn rot hole all on a whim, potential he said, HA, he was in for a surprise when it turned out that he was right for ounce in his god forsaken life. At the age of eight I turned out to have a real knack at tinkering out a few things and even better for that old basterd I was good in a scrap. Looking back on it now I should have figured there was someone else pulling the strings but when you’re a kid you don’t think to hard on stuff like that. The basterd that ran the compound was whitely a fat basterd that raised potential killers and thugs or as he liked to call them proper killing machines, he scooped me off my birthing bed before my dear old mum had a chance to do more than say my name, from there on I was property of the sneaky basterd. On the bright side he made sure I was trained in proper schooling and such. That I knew how to behave and more importantly he thought me how to kill.
Looking back at it the training was easy till I was twelve, it was then that things got dirty, till the age of twelve we were thought how to behave in front of the boss and his colleges, we were thought how to kill for the boss, how to die for the boss and how to live for the boss. Only problem I saw with the training is that we never knew who our boss was, none of us knew who we would serve only that we were born into it and there was no way out other than death. After the age of twelve they give you your first test in killing, for you see the last four years before the test you are given this dog, a wonderful pet and friend that is the prime of the prime who could kill any basterd in a heart beat given the chance. Well you see they let you get to love this dog as he is your only family, the only person in the world who isn’t trying to rob you of your freedom. And then after you turn twelve, well they take the dog and they but something in him that makes him savage, that makes him a killing device, and they throw you to the dogs so to speak, and you have the choice to fight or to die. Needless to say I choose to kill rather than be killed.
Time travels by so fast when you are going through training it seems, the day in day out routine of waking before dawn and fighting till your fists are blood red and all that stood in your way were gone. Well it was around the time I was 15 that I was deemed ready to be sent into the fray so to speak. And I was able to meet my Boss for the first time, a Mr. Storm as he would always like to be called. He spoke to me as if I was a piece of meat at first, but I could tell he was putting on a mask in front of me and I wasn’t sure why, he went on at length about how I was to be of service and that any sign of weakness I would be cast aside. It was around this point that I took a big gamble that looking back now I see that it was a foolishly big gamble because he could have snapped my neck in a heart beat, he was about to continue talking when I pulled my wrist dagger and spun around the table that was between us and I held my knife at his throat and said “I have been raised to fight and serve, unless this speech is to kill me before I prove my worth? please show me were to aim my blade.” Mr. storm looked me dead in the eyes and he did a strange thing, he started to smile this wicked smile and said “You are a strong one in will to say the very least, lets see if that will keep you alive in the ring young one.” I followed Mr. storm down the halls till we got to a warehouse main room were there was a arena set up in a pit and standing there in the pit was another male with a look of hatred in his eyes as he saw me. Mr. storm walked me to the edge of the pit where the crowd was starting to form, just a few people really. And he leaned over to me and explained that fists were the only weapon to use and the winner would walk away stronger than before. It was then that he pushed me into the pit and as I came out of my roll to break my fall my face was connected to the fist of the other male who hit me like a ton of bricks. It was only later that I found out he was ghouled to another Ventrue at the time. The fight was one sided for the fact that this basterd was a brick wall in the sense that he hit like one and was just as though. But I managed to get one thing on my side that he didn’t have and that was a good head on my shoulders, and I was far more clear headed than this bloke. I managed to get to the point were my bloody fists were starting to do some real damage to him and as I was about to deliver the finale blow when Mr. storm called me back from the hit. As I was climbing out of the pit I noticed two things, first the crowd was full of real handsome blokes and a few wonders of women, but they all seemed dead in one way or the other and all of them had the look of a killer in their eyes. As I was fully out of the pit Mr. storm handed me this drink of dark red stuff, later to be found out it was blood. I felt better after taking it though and Mr. storm only smiled as he saw me drink the whole thing.
Well after that bout with the ghouled bloke I was chosen to be the fighter for Mr. storm till I was beat or killed. And it was from there that I began my carrier as a fighter for clan Ventrue, at first it was just normal fights were winner take all and they pulled you out at the end of it. But after I had turned 21 I was accepted into the ranks of the chosen ghouls were I was put into bigger fights that would tax every bit of my skill. But as well as being sent to fight mortals I was soon to be fighting kindred as well.
My first fight with a kindred came shortly after my strength was up to par with what Mr. storm wanted, the fight was a short one in the sense that it didn’t take more than 50 seconds but it seemed to take forever for myself and I had to do my best not to get knocked out by the lick I was fighting. And after I managed to knock him down with my last hit, a hammer was thrown to me by another ghoul at Mr. storms request and he gave me the ok look for the finale blow. It was after I took his head off with a well placed blow that could have killed a horse given the chance that I was sent to very rigorous training yet again, and this time it was to learn about a new type of opponent and that was kindred that the clan Ventrue wanted killed. I learned about so many different things and in the end I was sent on my first missions to kill enemies of the clan and enemies of Mr. storm.
Well by know you have to be wondering how I got my last name seeing how I was taken from my mum before any information could be given and not to many whores on the Thames have last names even. Well you see Mr. storm was a funny one when the mood struck him and I guess he got tiered of calling me James, he always said that name never fit me. So one day when a fight broke out in the barracks that he kept us in I was the one who got fed up with them first that could knock them both out, and when we had to report the event to storm I found out more about him when he told us he all ready knew and was keeping an eye on his investments. He asked to speak with me privately afterwards and told me that he was going to give me a last name because any self respecting person needs a good last name for the work to put a Mr. in front of. He looked at me with those dark eyes and he always did find it funny that I would never back down in this kind of stare down. “ I know the perfect name for you, I see that temper deep down in there even if others do not so what better name than fairweather. I always did like parodies.’ now I myself have no problem with this name and it is always nice to have something other than one name that is very popular in London.
I know better than to speak of the missions that I have had, hell just having this could get me killed. But I think it is good for the soul or what ever is left of my soul for me to speak a little of it. Well other than the basic idea of my job I was also sent several times as a servant to other Ventrue to be a fly on the walls at times, a dangerous job to say the very least when any member of the clan of kings and make you very dead very quickly. Well one job that keeps striking out in my mind was the one in Ireland were I had to do a simple hit and run mission. Simple right? Well it turns out that the bloke that I was to showing the pearly gates had about half the town blood bonded to him. And when you are in a town filled up to your ears in ghouls intent in keeping their blood bank alive you can tell me if it is a wonderful idea, needless to say I somehow managed to survive that dreadful day and the only scars that are left are the ones on my soul for that sick basterd seemed to only want to ghoul the innocent.
Currently I am waiting on my monthly supply and my details on my next mission. The impression that I got from this letter means I may be at it for a while. Ah the old man is here, well if he sees what I have been up to he will make me forget my own name for a week, so for now this is my story and I may never get the chance to write to you again.
1504
Paris France
Written in Latin
I cant believe I have found this old book yet again , it has been ages since I have seen this book, I swore I thought it lost when my safe haven was found. I am sure that the viewing audience would like me to clarify a few things so that they are no longer confused and I seem to have a few spare moments until sundown so I shall take this moment to enlighten you as I have heard a few seers say in the past.
I believe that it would be folly for me to pick up my story strait were I left off for there is no book large enough for me to bore you with the countless things that have happened to me, so I shall give you the small version based on my biased opinion. I shall pick up with the most important thing that has happened to me in the past few centuries, I fell in love.
Of course you are most likely saying I am full of it or that I don’t deserve something so great to happen to a killer like me, and frankly I would agree with you for the most part. But the truth of the matter is there is a girl who has chosen to live her life with me for better or for worse. Her name is Victoria Winters and she is from Paris but her family resides in Germany. I met this angel on what I guess you could call a vacation from working for the clan as I am under negotiation at the moment. If you are at all confused by that last statement I understand, you are most likely not aware of how ghouldom works but it is a lot like slavery in many senses of the word, for you are bound to another individual and your life is subject to their mood at the time. And I am currently being used to repay a debt to a Brujah from Germany as I write.
The matter itself is one that means little to me, but a great deal to my regnant . Do you remember that male youth at the beginning of my tale? Well he was embraced by Mr. storm and is still under the accounting and as such all his fuck ups turn into his sires problems, well the young lick decided he could handle a few things a bit to big for himself alone and he ended up having to be saved by said Brujah. Now needless to say the matter is highly embarrassing for his sire for now he owes the Brujah a Mr. Raven a life boon in exchange for saving the young lick from three very upset kindred that were about to breach the laws of destruction. Now normally the matter would linger for a century or more for most elders like to sit on such a heavy debt till the opportune moment, but something unorthodox happened at the last gathering. After he was saved by Mr. Raven, me and this young lick had a few words so to speak, for it is one thing to mess up when your neck is on the line but it is a completely different thing when you mess up with Mr. storms neck on the line, so in our little conversation I lost my temper so to speak and beat the unloving life out of this neonate, and in the middle of our discussion Mr. raven saw the exchange and decided to dig through my mind to find out more about the situation. After prying me away from the limp body. He found out about my job and my training, but even more importantly he found out about my views. And he learned the back story of how the only reason I have yet to be embraced and a member of the board is the fact that I am far to useful as I am and so Mr. storm had to settle for this undeserving lick to handle his petty affairs as I was to finish my mission list before I was to be embraced.
Well Mr. raven had a sense of justice it seems for he decided to cash in that boon early for a piece of property that is in the possession of Mr. storm. Aka me.
But that is nether here nor there for the true purpose of this entry is about Victoria, I wont write far to much for it is never a good thing to write down about ones you care about. But I feel as if I have to write of her so you understand a little more about myself and how even though this situation called a life that is far over due to end, can still provide a miracle from time to time, well for safety purposes I shall be brief and I will also need to report to my new “Boss” but Victoria is an angel from up high and has the purest heart I could ever imagine and to top it off she has the temper of a saint, the woman is far to good for me and she is going to be my wife if you can believe it. I don’t care what boss I am under, it will be a cold day in hell if they try to keep me away from my dear Victoria.
Well Mr. Raven is on his way back and he has a shit eating grin on his face, I better wrap this up and maybe one day I will pick up this book again to say hello to the viewing audience.
1632
Berlin Germany
Written in German
I cant write for long. Its taking all I can not to go kill something right now. Victoria is gone, she died in front of me. I wasn’t able to stop what happened to her I could only sit there and look at her face as that look of horror over took her. She aged faster than any mortal or immortal should ever be able to age and she turned to a pile of ash in front of me. I swear if I ever find out who did this I will gut them like the coward they are.
My dear sweet Victoria, I will miss you more than you will ever know.
1705
London
Written in Latin
I am not sure if I should write this down or take it to the grave. But I was just made aware of the most terrifying thing I have ever deemed think about in all my years of life. I found the true reason why Victoria died that night so long ago. She was killed in cold blood in what that bastard called science. He killed her to see how I would react. To see what I would do if you can believe that. If it wasn’t for his ability to stop me dead in my tracks with those strange powers of his I would have ripped his heart out to avenge her. He just appeared through and after telling me I was a test subject and how he had been ever so slightly pulling strings in my life to test me from time to time, that I was simply a tool to him, and when I lashed out to hit him he simply teleported around me warping time he said. He told me that by all rights he could kill me then and there but he decided to spare me for all the wonderful knowledge I had helped him gather in the ghouled and kindred mind. The things I learned that night will haunt me for the rest of my unlife. And the only thing keeping me sane is the knowledge that his kind is far to busy to truly use their time on me.
1832
Berlin Germany
Written in German
I seem to keep coming back to this god forsaken book to write of this poorly written story of mine it seems. Well I guess I should get right to business and speak my mind of what is truly drawing me here, Becker.
The little worm of a Ventrue who suffers more from mental afflictions than some malks that I know of, he seems to hold a grudge against me that finally came to fruition about a year back. Well if you cant guess this from the story do far Becker is the man I first ran into in that pit from so long ago, in fact the little scar above his left eye is from my fist if I remember the story correctly, and that little peacock never forgave me for that.
Well it came to my knowledge that he wanted to publicly humiliate me at a gathering were me and my sire were both attending the welcoming into the ivory tower of my brood mate and I believe he miscalculated the political savvy of my sire when he did so for my sire found out very quickly what was in the works and sent me to Mr. Storm to make sure something like that never happened again.
I arranged a meeting with my Former Boss very quickly after that gathering, it turns out that he holds no ill will towards me at all and he is truly sincere about that bit of information if you catch my drift, for you see I have never betrayed the trust he laid down to me when he told me all those dirty little secrets that he entrusted to me for I was his prime candidate for the embrace. So after a very pleasurable meeting of equals for the first time, I brought up the matter of his childer trying to undermine not only mine but my sires reputation and I found out that this was news to Mr. Storm for he almost lost his appearance of control for a split second and that would have been the first time in almost a thousand years that he had succumb to his beast. Well needless to say he regained his composer and summoned his childer before him while I was still present to be sure that a punishment was dealt out and in this sense I was still favored over him in Mr. Storms eyes. Using the power of his blood and will he made very sure that Becker would not try to publicly attack my sire or me again and that any matter we had to settle would be settled the same way when we first met. Alone in combat. Mr. Storm saw the flawless beauty of the simple duel between two individuals and he made sure that his childer would adhere to the rules laid down by him. And with that Becker left us alone with a look of hate filling his eyes and I am sure his soul. The conversation after his departure was simple and pleasurable and he did the one thing I never imagined him to do. He gave his condolences to me for the loss of my wife. It was something small and far from his personality but he was sincere and it truly made me feel a sense of respect to him for somehow dredging up the humanity to truly care for his former ghoul and confidant.
1972
Berlin Germany
Written in Latin
I saw something that made my hearts blood pump with something other than rage for the first time in a longtime. I saw Victoria, or what I thought to be Victoria. I am getting ahead of myself though and let me start from the beginning of the tale. I was informed by Mr. Storm of a werewolf of questionable morals causing trouble in Walberg’s domain and that he would like me to take care of it from the problem so that his family wouldn’t be bothered by such a thing. After being debriefed by Mr. storm I waited in the room next to this individuals room at a hotel on the fringe of the domain. I heard him enter his room with a female and then I heard the words “I normally hunt my prey but you walked into the trap so easily that I couldn’t refuse, I will have to send the prince a thank you card.” normally I would have waited till he was asleep after his meal to strike as charging in then would possibly lead to not only the victims but my death as well but something in my soul told me I would regret that choice for the rest of my days if I took that route. And so I rushed to the other door and using my overly sized silver hammer proceeded to crush the wolfs head in. when the deed was done through I looked up and was almost speechless to see what I thought was Victoria standing there with a look of fear on her face. Thankfully I regained my ability to think and realized that although there were similarities she was nothing like the Victoria I knew and loved. I simply looked at her seeing that she was a kindred as well and told her that she could claim it as she would need it more than I did. I rushed back to my side of the domain and I was in shock for several nights for now I couldn’t get her image out of my head. A part of me wanted to run back and protect the girl that reminded me of my lost love the other part wanted to run to the far end of the earth so I would never have to see her ash in front of me ever again. It was shortly after the next gathering that I found out that she was a clanless named Isabel heartly a former member of clan Ventrue that Becker had embraced and scared off with his ignorance. It was at this point that I felt a kinship to this girl. Someone who was taken into the folds of clan Ventrue and now lives a life away from the clan because of the their past.and somehow the fates have made me remember with great detail the love of my life through this girl. I truly wish sometimes that it was easier to live this life without her here but ever since she was killed it has only become harder. I guess that I will never truly be at peace untill I am ash as well.
1995
Berlin Germany
Written in latin
I return yet again my dear friend, to write of my story in the burned leather bound book that contains the only shred of truth of my life. Me and Isabel have taken to traveling again for that son of a whore Becker may be honor bound to not try and ruin me but he finds no barrier stoping him from trying to turn her life to hell. He decided to pray on her only weakness. Her heart. She is an individual that was betrayed by someone who she dearly trusted and the rat basterd waited till she thought she could trust again till he set off another trap for her. Normally I am able to see the people under his employ before they get top her and manage to harm her politicaly or socialy but this time his agent was keen to avoid my attention untill he was safe in her company. That basterd sent someone to lure her into a trusting relashinship again only to have her drugged and wake up next to him in bed.
Now I normally will grant individuals a little bit of leeway when they are ballsy enough to do something and get away with it but this heartless basterd crossed the line far to much and far out of his place.
I receive a phone call from Isabel and hear her crying saying she didn’t know were she was and that her sire was near by and a whole mess of things she probably didn’t even mean to say. And all I could do is rush out and find her using the gps on her phone to find her near Beckers private home. After hearing everything that had happened to her I arranged a meeting through Mr. Storm for me to get a private visit with Becker. And Mr.Storm agreed to see the event as he called it. And it all started with him being pushed into the same style pit that we first met in. and it ended with him in torpor at my feet and Mr. storm helping me out of the pit and us discussing the future together.
2010
Jefferson city MO
Written in latin
I have a feeling that this may be my final log in this damned old book. And I am sure that the viewing adiance would love to know why that may be. Well I seem to have entered a domain that truly has no love for my kind of personality, I first enterd this domain under a request by my sire to help handle a encampment of sabbat in St.louis city and when I arrived in the domain I stayed because of a few individuals and I almost lost it by a few other individuals. Well first let me explain what is going on so that the one reading this understands. First off there is a toreador prince by the name of gilbert and he is fit for his job like any other prince of his family that I have seen and he has a 2nd that is a member of my family and the domain itself seems to be recovering from the former prince. Well out of everyone in the domain I seem to have no problem with anyone there until I get interrupted in a clan meeting by the sheriff. Now normally a person gets a hint and leaves when they enter a room full of Brujah and get asked to leave by a few angry Brujah, but this lick seemed to think she was better than everyone else in that room and that she deserved to be there even more so than myself. Now when I have a neonate tell me that I am to young to know what she can do to me, there is something wrong with that picture. Now granted, I pushed a button that I knew was probly a sore subject but in my defense she was proud of her new clan and her power and I was upset. And I told her to go fuck her sire. The little lick then decieds that she has to dominate me to sit down to prove a point and that is what broke the straw. I haven't been dominated since I was a ghoul under the employ of Mr. Storm and this little lick managed to make me sit down for a second after I saw the fear in her eyes. Now most would assume that after she left the room after I called her a coward for having to resort to powers to settle that argument that the matter would simply go to the harpy and be done with but no. she frenzy's in the hall way and barges back into the meeting and we managed to get her calmed down again.
Well at a later date I found out she was the princes beat stick and that he gave her that much leeway that he allowed her to strip me of a standing when I jump in to help protect a member of the court from an attack. It was at this point that I had real proof that she wanted me dead. The matter was only increased when she admitted to me later at midwinter that she wanted me dead.
But I digress for the real reason I am writing this entry. Isabel.
I think I may have found a place that she can truly start to feel at home gain , there are members of my family that are starting to accept her into the fold with great ease, and of course a few that are not but that was to be expected. She seems to be making friendships again and it truly helps my old heart to see her doing so.
But she is planing something that may not end well for us though and I dare not stop her. She is planning on luring her sire in on request from macorgan to prove that she is truly severed from him and she will provoke him into losing his temper to prove herself to him. And normally I wouldn’t care on that for I will simply set it up so he is forced to leave yet again. But with this domain the way it is I fear that this may be what gives sahsa the chance she has been looking for for her to take my life. The rules between me and becker are very clear. Any problem we have with each other will be handled in private by a duel and if we are unable to fight ourselves then a champion my be picked to represent our interest. He has yet to prove himself a coward enough to do that but I always prepare for the worst. And I am sure that after this long he may have finnaly learned something that may help him in a fight. For the first time in my unlife for a very long time I fear the chances of me not being able to be around to protect Isabel are increasing. All of these years I have avoided telling her my past and every time she asks why I choose to help her I can only tell her most of the truth. That I care for her as family and I would never leave her to fight her demons alone. I just cant bear to tell her that I refuse to see a love one turn to ash in front of me again. It would be more than I could take.
And as such if this is truly the last time I get to take to pen to paper and Isabel if you are the one to find this.
I am sorry for not telling you before, but I could not bear to see you judge me because of my past. And know that you have been family to me since the moment we met and that you are truly the only one who has brought true peace to me in a long time.
2010 march
Jefferson city MO
Written in Latin
I seem to have been mistaken my old friend, I survived the past few months with no danger to myself as of yet. Well I am sure you would like me to explain more and I have no problem with that, it may help me get things sorted out if I write it down in this old book.
Well to start things off I was made the 2nd to the prince of MO and at that time I started showing him the ways to stand up for himself and how to take the chains that bound him off of his neck. Well needless to say the people who put those chains there were highly upset. And a change of seasons was called. Gilbert has taken part of Mo and has renamed the domain he controls to be the domain of St. Louis and he has left the rest of Mo to those who would take it. And far be it from me to allow individuals that are not under the banner of the ivory tower to claim the domain of Jefferson city, so I have claimed domain and now reside there as prince with Isabel as my 2nd. Tryst has moved to MO and so has dizzy.
I look at my two childer and think about how different they are and it slightly worries me to see them in the same room when I can tell they are clearly plotting against the world. But I digress in this entry my mind seems to be a thousand places at the same time lately, the domain has its little problems, such as Bali and infernal sedates that are hell bent on summoning demons under the Elysium, I have an archon throwing cinder blocks at my head at gatherings and I still have Sasha to deal with. And I now have a new problem to deal with on a nightly basis. And its Dmitri, the old bastard is trying to make me frenzy every chance he gets and he is testing the waters to see what he can get away with, it makes my head hurt after a gathering and I am very tempted to put him down before it gets to bad.
Isabel is still being her normal self although she worries far to much for her own good. And tryst is starting to open up in this domain and I am not sure to be worried or pleased, and dizzy is getting into it up to her ears as normal but I suspected that when she informed me she was moving to the Midwest to give her something new.
Tonight archon boru is hosting a st. patty day party at his pub, so it should be interesting to say the very least. And hopefully I shall be able to write the out come of tonight later in these dark nights.
Till then I will let the ages claim this story yet again.
2010 march
Jefferson city MO
Written in Latin
I seem to be coming back to this old book more and more lately but I guessed it cant be helped, everyone needs a place were they can relax and express what they are feeling without fear of judgment, and the only way someone will read this is if I am gone and ash. The gathering last night was a stressful one to say the very least. The night was normal until Joseph showed up to seemingly take care of one of the problems I have been having. Turns out it was all an act to a degree and it lead to a rift to me and dizzy for the night, because she was under the impression that I wasn’t keeping Joseph in the loop so to speak about her lose of standing. I was more than a little upset to hear that my sire was not receiving my messages, but I was at a lose when I heard how dizzy was dealing with the misunderstanding. It tore my heart out to hear her denounce me in front of the family. And not because it was throwing dirt in my face. It hurt because I truly saw hate in her eyes when she said that to me, she truly believed I had betrayed her. Isabel was able to help though. God bless her soul I don’t know what would had happen if it would have been left to me and Desdemona. I swear the moment I find who was stopping my letters I shall make sure they pay for the trouble they have caused.
I also write in this book because of a feud between my childer, dizzy and tryst are at each other necks and I think it is over an overblown mistake between the two of them. Tryst is sure as the night is dark that dizzy is out for my life and dizzy believes as the day is bright that tryst is a traitor to the family in some way or the other. A part of me wants to step in and settle the matter myself, another part of me knows that I have to let them settle the matter themselves.
I hope that it proves to be the right choice. Till next time my old friend.
2010 march
Jefferson city Mo
Written in Latin
I cant believe I allowed myself to lose it. I lost control to the beast tonight. God I feel like a fool for allowing myself to be in that situation. Dmitri and Sasha and tesi and dizzy, all of them trying to decide the fate of my domain., the look in his eyes when he spoke to me, the sound of their voices when they spoke. All of the things that were going on feed the anger that I could not control.
Five hundred years.
Never have I allowed myself to fall to my clans weakness. I have always been able to control myself. I failed. And I don’t think that is the only part of the night that I have failed. When I had gotten my control over myself again, the only thing that hurt me when I came out of it was the look of disgust that Desdemona gave me. No one in that room mattered, but I lose control of myself and the only thing I see around me when I enter my right state of mind is the judgment of my childer. I thought that at least she would understand.
I don’t know what I am going to do, but I must do something soon. I am in the situation were I must make a decision fast. My domain is falling beneath my feet, my childer is siding against me and my enemies are uniting, while my allies turn against me.
I have to talk to Isabel, she will know what to say, she always has been there when it seems like the world is falling around me lately.
I am disgusted with myself because of tonight. Hopefully the ones I care for will see it in a different light than me. But the reality of the situation is never what I would like.
March 2010
Jefferson city MO
Written in Latin
I unstaked Desdemona tonight. She was attacked on her way home to prove a point by an assamite.
I shall make him regret choosing that course of action, but that is a different matter. We have worked out everything that was wrong, we are able to look at each other with trust yet again. And she asked for only one thing. To learn.
The pride I felt for that request was beyond anything I have felt lately. It saddens me that she had to suffer to get to this but she has come to me asking for the one thing I have been wanting to give her.
I want her to soar and be protected and with this knowledge she will be. It shall scare her to learn the things that should be left to the ages. But it shall protect her as well.
Isabel I know was listening in on our conversation and god bless her for trying to hide the fact so poorly.
The sun is rising but I will state simply that the future may be dark but I see a ray of light hopefully.
March 2010
Jefferson City Mo
Written in Latin
I cant keep my mind away from this book it seems. This week has been a very hectic one that seems to be opening my eyes to several things I could have sworn would never happen. Well I have come to the conclusion that Desdemona shall forever view me as a over worrisome parent in many senses of the term. Thank god I have Isabel here to help me with this kind of situation or else I would be even more lost than what I am. I seem to becoming more and more reliant on her for matters of the heart. I am not sure how I am meant to feel about the matter but I shall not complain about her company. This burned old book holds some of my deeper secrets, so I shall share a bit more of them by saying that I truly do believe that there is a bond there that I didn’t know was there, and I am not sure if I could bear to have that bond broken.
I only hope I can keep his bond safe even if it costs me everything.
March 2010
Jefferson city Mo
Written in English
I cant fucking believe IT. That rat bastard killed her, my Desdemona is dead because of his fucking orders. I am doing everything I can not to kill everything around me. I allowed him to get close to her. I allowed her to die because I wasn’t there to save her. I allowed it to happen because I thought I could trust that bastard not to do something so fucking stupid. That god damn Irish bastard will die if it’s the last thing I do in this god forsaken world.
I cant get the thought of her with that look she had when I unstaked her after that night she was attacked. she was scared. She cried on my arm as she shook in fear. And I allowed her to leave. I cant believe how stupid I was to let her go. I keep seeing victorias face. As she ashed in front of me. I cant get that look of fear out of my mind. The same look of fear. The fear of the unknown and the fact that I couldn’t save her then. I keep failing them. Ever since she came to the states she has moved away. It wasn’t because of anyone other than me, I have allowed those who are close to me to die. I am going to kill that man. And anyone else who was involved. That inhumane bastard made me think he loved her. Then kills her on a whim, and then has the audacity to claim her as family. I need to kill something.
April 2010
Jefferson city Mo
Written in Latin
An update my old friend on what has been going on the last few nights. Other than the fact that others have now read this terribly written story of mine, I have found out that Desdemona is alive, her death was faked and
She was only in torpor for the nights that I mourned. Buru is faking his death to avoid what he has done and there is now no other reason for me to hunt him down other than the fact that I think he is a low life that cant be trusted. Not enough to kill a man but enough to beat the Irish out of him. What draws my anger is the tears I saw that night. I see those tears and there is nothing I would not do to stop them. Its funny in a sense that me a person who can shrug off the attempts to control me by almost any means loses my control when I see those blood red tears drift down that face.
Maybe I am losing my touch
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