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have you ever had a dream? have you ever been so close to that dteam that it was a matter of reaching out and grabbing it.

i was there. right there... but fate would have a different view and like a cruel joke it waits till i get my hands around it then rips it away and laughs.



i really don't know what i'm goingto do. the military was my life, and most say it still is, but i don't want that. I had a dream, a future and now its gone... but what it comes down to is a night of heavy drinking, a flash back into a distant land that i thought i left behind, and a coversation i don't remember.



nights like that never happen... bu when you go back to iraq in your min, you might as well be there because everything is real... the sights, smells, feelings.... only difference is that everyone is the enemy. it's like having a blind pulled over your face and there is nothing you can do about it but let it play out.



but this time was different i called someone.. smeone i trust, who made me feel safe, who i love. and i just hope i didn't fuck that up.

i don't remember what i said but i remember hearing her voice. it was like an angel calling out, trying to pull me out of the darkness.

i feel to ashamed to look her in the face let alone speak to her. because i don't want her to think any different of me. i love her mre than anything. i waited a year to tell her that and i dont want to screw up what we got.......



PTSD... fuck it... it runs my life and constantly fucks it up.... so fuck ptsd and fuck iraq.

here i am again... gonna try to do this journal thing... seeing that i already have on i have to keep up with i will try my best to keep up here.



lets see.... its 6 in the morning so 1: i hardly have anything to write about and 2: its way to early to tell how the day is going to go LMAO. just hope i get to talk to my baby... there are many people who may know here on here but i will never tell.. though it's not hard to figure out



still trying to work on this whole... being constantly active on here to... getting better.. so peace out people