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My cousin Jason died eight days ago, his funeral is tomorrow. I just read his obituary, it saddened and angered me. First time I have had the guts to do it.

It saddened me because it means that he really is gone. That still hasn't set in yet. I haven't even been able to cry. I am so afraid of loosing control of myself because his death scares me. It could have been me, or anyone of a thousand other people too. We all do stupid shit when we are drunk. His stupid little mistake cost him his life. It doesn't seem right. Just like the rest of us, he just wanted to have fun.

I wish of course that he hadn't died at all, but I am glad that I can at least put his life, and death to use as to not make a mistake like that. "Moral of the story? Don't play with guns, especially when you are drunk, Kiddies!" Its fucking rediculous.

We are supposed to honor the dead. How can you honor them when it seems like yesterday you were playing hide and seek with them in your grandmother's backyard?? Or you were on a weekend get away with your grandma, two of our other cousins, their friends, your friend, Jason, and his friend. We went swimming at the beach and a crab pinched his toe. Jason came running out of the water like he had just seen a ghost. I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself. I was 10 and he was 8. With all of us kids there he didn't live that down for a couple of days. The crab didn't even leave a mark if I remember correctly. A couple of years later, I broke my knee. I stayed at my grandma's house because our hallways were too narrow for me to get through with my crutches to the bathroom. He would bring me water, and stuff. Always thought that was sweet. When his little sister was born, his parents brought everyone up to Reno. Jason, Jessica (his youner sister) would sing to the baby. He could immitate Cookie Monster perfectly while singing "C is for Cookie, thats good enough for me." JennaLee loved that, she would just laugh and laugh at him.



His obituary angered me because it said when he was born, where he went to school, who he was survived by, and the funeral plans. It said nothing of how he lived. It said nothing of his school accomplishments, such as sports, clubs, associations. It didn't say how he died even. Just said he did. It didn't say how a year ago he traveled to Africa to help a village of people.

It didn't say that he was getting ready to go to graduate school. It didn't say how he left behind a family, a long term girlfriend, or many friends that all love him.

It amazes me how in the fucking blink of a fucking eye, my younger cousin, is gone. He was born, he grew up with his own mind. He worked, he loved, and he tried to make the world a better place. It is mind numbing to know that he drunkenly shot himself. I am hoping it was accidentally.

It is a horrible thought to think that to someone we are the whole world, but to the world we are at most a paragraph on a page at the end of our lives. People deserve better than that!!! Jason, with as intelligent, kind, fun, and over all a good human being, deserves better than that bullshit!

My biggest regret though with him is that as we grew up we grew apart. Mostly due to my physical distance from the rest of my family. I really didn't get the chance to know him as an adult.

Sometimes I just wish I had that last couple of weeks left. That I knew ahead of time, even if I couldn't stop it, I could at least get to tell him that love them.

For now I guess that he is resting in the "SummerLands/Heaven/Your Personal Better Place" and he is learning from this life's experiences. When he is reborn, I hope that I have the oportunity to look into his eyes and know that it is him. That way I can at least let him know I love him.

So this is probably going to be another bitch session, so for those of you who are reading if you don't want to hear me complain: Stop reading! Please don't msg me (as happens on other sites) about my bitching.

Awhile ago, roughly 2 months I hurt my back. Quite badly in fact, couldn't stand for more than three min. without crying and shaking. Well it has been getting better, but whenever I work it starts hurting again. Don't get me wrong, I like pain, but only to a certain extent. Pain so intense that you vomit isn't fun. Well in order to deal with this pain I have been taking a rather rich version of vicadin. 10mg., of pure hydrocodone, no tylenol. For you pill poppers out there, you know that can be pretty intense. At times the pain in my back is so intense that the pills don't even seem to touch it. Well I have been taking them almost daily and I am a little afraid that I am developing an adicction. When I am not on the pill high I feel like something is wrong, and when I have nothing better to do, I crave it. The only time that I don't want to be on them is when I am not bored, or I am drunk. Honestly though I can say that they are fantastic stress relievers. I am thinking about going cold "turkey" on them but I am afraid of being in a lot of pain all the time. I think I need to see a Dr. about my back, and maybe about the pills too. I just don't know.

So there is this guy, (fuck how many complaints have started out like this)! Awhile back he and I were starting a relationship but when I started to return the affections he was giving me, he said that I was getting too "clingy." Well he and I now have a mutual agreement that we would be fuck buddies and friends. This guy lives a couple doors down from one of my closest friends so I see him a lot, and we are kind of a clique. We my friend "W" 's next door neighbor knows a guy that likes me. Next door neighbor's friend calls me and I happen to be standing next to my fuck buddy. Well once my friend finds out I am talking to a guy that would like to get to know me better he starts hitting on me. Kissing, biting, spanking, and even undoing my bra in public (the worx pretty much.) Well the new guy guy ("L" for privacy sake) comes over and starts talking to me. I am at "W" 's place, drinking, and being social. My fuck bud won't stop, fucking mad cock blocking me. To the point where "L" goes to his car to get his cell phone, and while he is there my fuck buddy starts kissing me, and all that GOOD shit again. Here I am trying to get him to stop so I can at least give "L" the respect he deserves as a human being. "L" btw is actually an alright guy, smart, artistic, cute, a little older, and hard working. I know that "L" had to see my fuck buddy doing this shit. I didn't tell "L" the dynamics of my fuck buddy's and my relationship because it isn't a boyfriend/girlfriend thing (more or less by his choice) so it doesn't matter. Well my fuck buddy starts telling "L" some of my weird shit like how ticklish I am, and where. I have just met "L" like less than an hour ago!!!! my knees happen to be extremely ticklish, and it makes me squeak, (I squeak when I laugh too hard) which my squeaking turns my fuck buddy on. I do the quasi-logical thing and bend over my knees to keep them from being tickled. What does my fuck buddy do? Mother fucker unsnaps my bra, again, right in front of "L'!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!

By this time I am getting tipsy (10 beers and vodka) so I am trying to keep my temper under control. After all I am also trying to make a good impression. Well I get up to go to the bathroom and there isn't any T.P., I yell for "W" to bring me some and who brings it instead? My fuck buddy. He even waits a few feet outside the door, and when I come out he grabs me and starts up on the making out again. Mean while poor "L" is like five feet away on the front porch, probably listening (I hope not).

Now I have never been able to say no to my fuck buddy, and he knows it. I have stupidly told him that I have honestly never been more attracted to someone.

Well we go back outside, and my fuck buddy puts this comment out there that goes something along the lines of this. "I just want to see if you react because I am sexy, or what." He is saying this while staring at "L" with this look that pretty much says "yeah I'm fucking her, and you aren't. I have her wrapped around my little finger. You don't stand a chance."



I am so embarrassed by his behavior, and deeply angry. We are supposed to be friends, and don't people generally want their friends to be happy? I haven't talked to him about this yet because I am afraid of what he will say. I just wonder that if the situation was reversed if he realizes that I would do everything in my power to uptalk him. I would try my hardest to make her see that he is an absolutely wonderful person. Why would he stab me in the back like that? Why would he embarrass me like that?



The only conclusions I can come up with is that he hates me. Someone told me (I needed vent to someone come on!) that it seems to her that my fuck buddy seems to be realizing that he has feeling for me stronger than what he initially thought. That having "L" there brought them out and he acted out the only way he knows how.



If anyone reads this could they at least message me and tell me their point of view. It would be appreciated.