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What do you do when the thing you loved most died? What do you do when that thing was your whole entire life and it's gone forever? I'm empty. I hurt so muc. I hate the way I feel. Why did he have to leave me all alone? I miss him SO MUCH! There's nothing I nor anyone else can do. He's gone and I'm still here. I can't imagine doing anything normal ever again. Eating, sleeping, going to school, talking to friends, even breathing is hard for me. I'm over. My whole life is gone. He was my whole entire life and no he's gone. I want to die. I want to not have to feel this anymore. I really can't go on like this. This is the worst thing ever. I'm empty. There is a huge hole in me that can never be filled. I hate this. I'm not even me anymore. Do you wanna know what's even worse? I'm going to have top tell everyone about it, it's gonna keep being brought up over and over. I don't want to forget him, but I just can't deal living without him. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this! I can't stop crying. A black whole is swallowing me up and noone can make me better. Noone can make anything about this better. I can't picture myself going on without the thing I loved most. I'll never be the same again. I'll never be okay. My life is over. All of it. Everything. Over.

So I'm starting to come out of my depressive state again. That's good I guess. When I become depressed, and that's kind of often, it lasts for a long time. I don't know why I become so depressed, I just do. My depression is usually triggered by something small, so I fear that if one thing goes wrong, this happiness I'm feeling will fade. Let's hope I'm happy for awhile.

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BleedingEmbers
19:22 Oct 18 2011

If your not happy then im not happy so lets both try to keep each other happy

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I really don't want to grow up.

I don't want to be on my own.

I don't know anything about my life.

People keep asking me questions and I just don't know how to answer any of them.

I just want to be alone and concentrate on the now.

I'm under pressure to be someone I'm not, someone perfect.

I just want to freeze time, like as much as I don't like where I'm at, I have a feeling it will get worse.

One of my friends has been changing, slipping away.

She isn't as she used to be, slipping away.

She's so different now, slipping away,

I'm afraid of what's going to happen to her, slipping away,

I don't understand how this happened, slipping away,

I miss the old her, slipping away

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BleedingEmbers
19:24 Oct 18 2011

Hey is this one about someone in specific?

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DyingRose
19:33 Oct 18 2011

not you, don't worry!

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I don't know what comes over me.

I'll be with my friends, having a really good time and then things just change.

Someone will say say something that bothers me and I'll snap.

When I do, I just want to cry.

I want to run away and hide and just feel all the pain, sadness, and hurt that is radiating through me.

Then, while I'm feeling all of this, I'll look back at my friends and see them happy, joking, and laughing with each other.

I'll be jealous.

I'll be jealous of their happiness and feeling of carefree.

That makes me even worse then and I just want to drown in my sorrow.

Either my problems are really bad, or they are really good at hiding theirs.

I wish I was good at hiding mine.

Everyday it's the same thing. I pretend to be happy. I pretend to be a good daughter. I pretend to be a good student. I pretend I care. I pretend that at any moment I won't run away. I pretend I have a good life. I pretend nothing is wrong. I pretend things are normal. I pretend like I'm not dying on the inside. I pretend that I don't wish my life would come to an end. I pretend that my family loves me. I pretend that my friends actually care about my problems. I pretend that darkness isn't consuming me as I write this. I pretend that I enjoy my life. I pretend that I don't hurt inside. I pretend that I'm not suffocating from the wave of hate that is directed at me. I pretend that I don't hear the mean things they say about me. I pretend I'm confident. I pretend I don't have problems. I pretend that there is always a tomorrow. I pretend that I don't want to cry every single minute of my day. I pretend that people understand me. I pretend that my feelings are not causing my death. I pretend. Everyday I pretend and I'm sick of it. I help others with their problems and mine get ignored. I'm sick of it, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of pretending.

COMMENTS

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BleedingEmbers
17:23 Oct 12 2011

im with u and here 4 u talk to me if u need too. u know where 2 find me...well usually anyhow...lol

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philosopher
23:22 Oct 13 2011

That sounds absolutely exhausting. Perhaps you ought to consider not pretending anymore.

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